Re: Chili with taste?
For your reading enjoyment.<br /><br />If you can read the whole story without tears of laugher running down<br />your cheeks then there's no hope for you.<br /><br />**Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to<br />the first two judges, the reaction of the third is even better.<br /><br />For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is.<br />They actually have a Chili cook-off about the time the rodeo comes to<br />town. It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome <br />.<br /><br />The notes are from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was<br />visiting Texas from the East Coast:<br /><br />"Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off.<br />The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened<br />to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the<br />Budweiser<br />truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges<br />> (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, So I accepted".<br /><br />Here are the scorecards from the event:<br /><br />Chili # 1 Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili<br />Judge # 1 A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.<br />Judge # 2 Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild<br />Judge # 3 (Frank) Holy shat, what the heck is this stuff? You could<br />remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the<br />flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.<br /><br />Chili # 2 Arthur's Afterburner Chili<br />Judge # 1 - Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.<br />Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken<br />> seriously.<br />Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what<br />I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who<br />wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer<br />when they saw the look on my face.<br /><br />Chili # 3 Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili<br />Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.<br />Judge # 2 -- A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers<br />Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels<br />like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now.<br />Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now<br />my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting sh t-faced<br />from all of the beer.<br /><br />Chili # 4 Bubba's Black Magic<br />Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.<br />Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish<br />or other mild foods, not much of a chili.<br />Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was<br />unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out tastebuds? Sally, the<br />barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. bii iatch is<br />starting to look HOT -- just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an<br />aphrodisiac?<br /><br />Chili # 5 Linda's Legal Lip Remover<br />Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,<br />adding considerable kick. Very impressive.<br />Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must<br />admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.<br />Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead<br />and I can no longer focus my eyes. I far ted and four people behind me<br />needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her<br />that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from<br />bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if<br />I'm burning my lips off. It really pithes me off that the other<br />judges asked me to stop screaming. S' crew those rednecks.<br /><br />Chili # 6 Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety<br />Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of<br />spices and peppers.<br />Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and<br />garlic. Superb.<br />Judge #3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with<br />gaseous, sulfuric flames. I shat myself when I far ted and I'm worried<br />it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me<br />except that sl *t Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't<br />feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my arse with a snow cone.<br /><br />Chili # 7 Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili<br />Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.<br />Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can<br />of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am<br />worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he<br />is cursing uncontrollably.<br />Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I<br />wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world<br />sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with<br />chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava<br />like shat to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what<br />killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, its too painful. Screw it,<br />I'mnot getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in<br />through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.<br /><br />Chili #8 Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chili<br />Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too<br />bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.<br />Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balance chili. Neither mild<br />nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed<br />out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not<br />sure if he's going to make it. Poor dude, wonder how he'd have reacted<br />to really hot chili.
<br />i worked at one back in hi-school, and i still love their chili. its made with the patties that come off the grill after drying out (alittle). wendy's are anal about having moist patties, so after @ 30mins, if they haven't sold, they got taken off grill, put in pans and later are boiled in the huge chili pot(i'm talking a 20gal SS vat on hinges 
