I really need help on this one

[one more cast]

About 12 years ago I met and married a girl with 1 1/2 year old twins. The twins had some contact with their father so I never adopted them.The boy was really close to me, we did everything together. About 5 years ago I divorced the twins mother. It was a bitter split up so she stopped me from seeing the kids with an order of protection. Now the catch, I live 1/4 mile up the road from my X and yesterday the boy(now 14) came up to me and started talking to me. He wants me to take him fishing,he wants to ride my four wheeler and do things like we used to. The last time I tried to talk to him was about 3 years ago and his mother called the cops on me and and I was told to stay away from the kids.Today I asked him if his mother would let him go fishing with me and he said he wasn't going to ask her but rather just tell her he was going fishing for a few hours. I think he is going to end up in trouble with the law if he doesn't get some parental guidance but If I try to help I am the one that is going to get in trouble. I can't just sit back and watch this young man go downhill,If I push him away it will chrush him and none of his family wants to get involved and there is NO way to reason with his mother, Its HER way and thats final.(and thats why we split up) I hope someone can help me out on this one. Thanks.

 

[JB]

Re: I really need help on this one

Tell the boy that he must have his mother's okay.<br /><br />Let her explain it to him.<br /><br />It's too bad, OMC, but it is the law.

 

[OBJ]

Re: I really need help on this one

JB is right OMC.....no matter how you feel inside about the boy or how much you would want to help him, it's the law, I'm sorry to say, that will have the final say. Only other chance is to ask the mother if it would be OK. Maybe explain to her the benifits to the boy.<br /><br />Much luck to you....and the boy.

 

[one more cast]

Re: I really need help on this one

Thanks guys, I guess I knew the answer all along. Its just not the answer I wanted.

 

[TwoWatt]

Re: I really need help on this one

with an order of protection.

Yep. You sort of answered your own question right there. <br />I agree with JB & OBJ. I would talk with the mother. No matter what differences the two of you had it shouldn't affect the boy if he wants to hang out with you. Just think of the other things (trouble things) he could be doing. The mother should be grateful to you. <br />But for now, I wouldn't have any contact with the boy, it will only make things worse.

 

[BoatBuoy]

Re: I really need help on this one

I realize the friction level between you and your x may be formidible, but do you think a minister or other person she respects could talk to her and serve as intermediatery to come to some reason?

 

[Skinnywater]

Re: I really need help on this one

........boy(now 14).............I think he is going to end up in trouble with the law if he doesn't get some parental guidance but If I try to help I am the one that is going to get in trouble. I can't just sit back and watch this young man go downhill,If I push him away it will chrush him and none of his family wants to get involved and there is NO way to reason with his mother,

That was a major reach out. <br />I'd not violate that order either.<br />However, I'm not so sure I'd let this drop so easy. That boy maybe in a great position to persuade his mom into reason.<br />OR<br />Maybe you and the boy need legal council.<br /> A court will listen to a 14 year old young man.

 

[aspeck]

Re: I really need help on this one

Agree with Skinny here. A 14 year old that is looking for a role model has a lot of say. Proper legal advice maybe the route you have to go, but Boat bouy had some good advice. If you can't talk with the ex, try to mediator that she will trust. If that doesn't work, try a lawyer or judge.

 

[one more cast]

Re: I really need help on this one

She is an evil woman,she used to tell her kids she could not stand them because they look like their father.Never once have I heard her tell them that she loved them. When I left she told me she would never stop me from seeing the kids and yet that is the first thing she did.If I knew that was going to happen I would have stayed until the kids were grown.Can't turn back time so I think I will talk to the Reverend. I'm also worried that when she finds out the boy was talking to me he will get in trouble for that.My new wife if very supportive of me and wants to do whats best for the boy.So that helps alot.<br /> Thanks again,<br /> Steve<br /><br />EDIT: SkunkedAgain, The order of protection has been expired for quite some time,It is now common practice (and bull !@#$@) to get an order of protection slapped on you as soon as a divorce starts. mine even said I had 3 handguns in my posession but was not a considered a threat. Also I would like to add that the girl was never real close to me and she seems to have done ok, She is getting good grades in school and spends alot of time home with her mom.However I did hear that she wants to go live with her dad.

 

[hayhauler]

Re: I really need help on this one

If the order of protection has expired, I would still tell the boy that you're more than willing to take him fishing, but not behind his mother's back. She may be an evil woman, but condoning his doing things behind her back won't help him.<br /><br />He can't grow up to be a man of character by lying to his mother, and your supporting him in it is not in his best interest. You be the man though, if he has a hard time confronting his mother, you write her a note or send her an email letting her know that the boy has contacted you and is seeking to spend time with you. I suggest a note or email, because it sounds as though she has a listening problem.

 

[one more cast]

Re: I really need help on this one

I agree, I will not do anything without her knowledge. If the boy comes by today I will explain this to him and tell him if he wants to spend time with me I will do everything in my power to make it happen.And once again,Thank you all, I really appreciate all the help in this matter,

 

[cajun555]

Re: I really need help on this one

OMC, I don't have an answer, but I do agree with the other post. Remember when we were 14, It was very trying times, so much peer presure from the wrong friends. A good Fatherly figure to lead the young lad on the right path is what your ex needs to wake up and realize. Enuff said, wish you the best. Keep us posted.

 

[tylerin]

Re: I really need help on this one

I'm certainly glad I'm not in your shoes OMC Had it been me, I would have taken him fishing. My logic would be "how much trouble can a man get into for taking a boy (that you helped raise) fishing. Its a screwed up world we live in. Good luck OMC

 

[Skinnywater]

Re: I really need help on this one

She is an evil woman,she used to tell her kids she could not stand them because they look like their father.Never once have I heard her tell them that she loved them.

And you need to switch tactics here.<br />You need to seriously work on rising above all this hostility. It isn't useful to you in this situation.<br /> <br />Concentrate hard on the goal of becoming a father to this kid again. <br /><br />I envy this road that has opened to you. Take it with renewed vigor and embrace the difficulty.

 

[one more cast]

Re: I really need help on this one

I never did or ever would put kids in the middle. I don't and won't say anything bad about their mother to them.I was just trying to show the type of person I am dealing with. My only concern is the welfare of the kids.I can only imagine how the kids felt having there "Dad" yanked out from under them. When I left I did tell them that I would always be just up the road if they needed me.I'll post back as soon as I have some more info.

 

[bernieb]

Re: I really need help on this one

It wouldn't hurt to stop by the local police chief and mention your ordeal .The x just may blow it all out of proportion you know.If you do get with the boy ,be sure to take some "fun time" pictures ......you just may need them.

 

[Link]

Re: I really need help on this one

Originally posted by aspeck:<br /> Agree with Skinny here. A 14 year old that is looking for a role model has a lot of say. Proper legal advice maybe the route you have to go, but Boat bouy had some good advice. If you can't talk with the ex, try to mediator that she will trust. If that doesn't work, try a lawyer or judge.

One More Cast <br /><br />If I had posted right after JB or OBJ I would have said the exact same thing.<br /><br />But they didn't know that "The order of protection has been expired for quite some time"<br /><br />Which is why I did a reply with "" to aspeck's post<br /><br />Best of choices.<br />If your ex can't deal directly with you<br />And you don't want the boy to get in trouble with mom. With him asking<br />Then try a 3rd party she trusts. (this I would try first) As I think you said you were going to try.<br /><br />If by the grace of G*d you get to take him fishing, instruct him not to go home bragging about the great time he had! You know where that would lead to. <br /><br />I didn't really add anything new to the replys but just wanted to add my support to you. And if everything goes south there are other options. <br /><br />Link

 

[one more cast]

Re: I really need help on this one

Well so far I've called the probation dept.,the family court judge (can't get involved), and Monday I have an appointment with my lawyer but its not looking good.

 

[rwise]

Re: I really need help on this one

All I can say is hang in there! My x hid my dauhgter from me for 12 years so I can relate.

 

[dogsdad]

Re: I really need help on this one

If there was some way to get that boy in front of a judge so he could tell the judge what he wants...sorry I don't have any bright ideas. I sure hope you have an inspired thought or two.<br /><br /><br />-dd-