eeboater
Commander
- Joined
- Jul 19, 2004
- Messages
- 2,644
I saw this on Officetally.com... Absolutlely hilarious!!
Source: http://www.officetally.com/exclusive-dwights-original-list-of-vp-demands/2/
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My fellow Americans and select Canadians,
My name is Dwight K. Schrute. Recently, it was brought to my attention that a Presidential candidate has selected me as his Vice President ? or as I prefer, Assistant President. I was not surprised by this information, because I am the only suitable choice. As this country?s second in command, I will be cunning; wily; exceedingly loyal to my superiors; and will not hesitate to use heavy artillery. However, unlike my predecessor, I will not fire it off in a friend?s face.
As for Mr. Jonathan McCain: I will accept your offer, old man. But before I do, certain terms must be agreed upon.
? I may borrow Air Force One whenever I want. I am not required to refill the tank. When piloting Air Force One, I am only to be addressed as ?Iceman.?
? Effective immediately, Jack Bauer is promoted to Secretary of Defense.
? I demand full government financing of research programs into the beet as an alternative energy source. Beet juice is cheaper than gasoline, better-tasting and only slightly flammable.
? My bunker must contain a foosball table and be zombie-proof.
? Secret Service members are to be armed with guns, nunchucks, throwing stars and flamethrowers.
? I would like a flamethrower.
? From now on, the National Anthem will be replaced with Van Halen?s ?Panama.?
? My current employer, Michael Scott, has asked for an advisory position, a la Karl Rove. I am not adverse to this; however, it is not a deal-breaker. The rest of my coworkers are to be placed in an internment camp. And the entire city of Scranton should be surrounded by a wall and converted into a futuristic prison.
? I want to see an eagle fight a falcon. Whoever survives is our nation?s mascot.
? No more tours of the White House. I distrust schoolchildren.
? All pictures of Abraham Lincoln are to be removed. He is creepy.
? J.K. Rowling should be required by law to write a new Harry Potter book. If she refuses, I advise torture.
? All of the above items are negotiable. Except for the flamethrower. Basically, if you get me a flamethrower, I?m on board.
In conclusion, I consider it an honor and a privilege to serve the American people. I will display complete loyalty to my President. I will take a bullet for him and even provide a quality foot massage. But if, say, Barack Obama values that loyalty more highly ? I?m going wherever they value loyalty the most. Make me an offer. And America ? at 3 a.m., when the phone rings in the White House ? I won?t even hear it. I?m an extremely sound sleeper.
Vote Schrute!
Dwight K. Schrute
Assistant President in Pending
Cc: Michael Scott, John McCain
Source: http://www.officetally.com/exclusive-dwights-original-list-of-vp-demands/2/
---------------------------------------------------------
My fellow Americans and select Canadians,
My name is Dwight K. Schrute. Recently, it was brought to my attention that a Presidential candidate has selected me as his Vice President ? or as I prefer, Assistant President. I was not surprised by this information, because I am the only suitable choice. As this country?s second in command, I will be cunning; wily; exceedingly loyal to my superiors; and will not hesitate to use heavy artillery. However, unlike my predecessor, I will not fire it off in a friend?s face.
As for Mr. Jonathan McCain: I will accept your offer, old man. But before I do, certain terms must be agreed upon.
? I may borrow Air Force One whenever I want. I am not required to refill the tank. When piloting Air Force One, I am only to be addressed as ?Iceman.?
? Effective immediately, Jack Bauer is promoted to Secretary of Defense.
? I demand full government financing of research programs into the beet as an alternative energy source. Beet juice is cheaper than gasoline, better-tasting and only slightly flammable.
? My bunker must contain a foosball table and be zombie-proof.
? Secret Service members are to be armed with guns, nunchucks, throwing stars and flamethrowers.
? I would like a flamethrower.
? From now on, the National Anthem will be replaced with Van Halen?s ?Panama.?
? My current employer, Michael Scott, has asked for an advisory position, a la Karl Rove. I am not adverse to this; however, it is not a deal-breaker. The rest of my coworkers are to be placed in an internment camp. And the entire city of Scranton should be surrounded by a wall and converted into a futuristic prison.
? I want to see an eagle fight a falcon. Whoever survives is our nation?s mascot.
? No more tours of the White House. I distrust schoolchildren.
? All pictures of Abraham Lincoln are to be removed. He is creepy.
? J.K. Rowling should be required by law to write a new Harry Potter book. If she refuses, I advise torture.
? All of the above items are negotiable. Except for the flamethrower. Basically, if you get me a flamethrower, I?m on board.
In conclusion, I consider it an honor and a privilege to serve the American people. I will display complete loyalty to my President. I will take a bullet for him and even provide a quality foot massage. But if, say, Barack Obama values that loyalty more highly ? I?m going wherever they value loyalty the most. Make me an offer. And America ? at 3 a.m., when the phone rings in the White House ? I won?t even hear it. I?m an extremely sound sleeper.
Vote Schrute!
Dwight K. Schrute
Assistant President in Pending
Cc: Michael Scott, John McCain
