Is this a form of abuse?

[SS MAYFLOAT]

My wife hasn't had a good relationship with our youngest daughter since she moved in with her boyfriend. Her boyfriend is not welcomed at our house and never will be. He is very dominate over our daughter and controls her. His influence is driving this problem as well.

Its been almost 2 years now. Last night the oldest daughter called and somehow it got mentioned that our youngest is telling our grandaughter that she has no grandma. The oldest daughters boys tells the grandaughter that she does. The GD is 5 yrs old and is getting very confused on what her mom is telling her and what her cousins is telling her.

I find this as a form of mental abuse. Mywife is all broken up lately due to her youngest daughter doing this. I told my wife that time will heal wounds. In this case once the grandaughter gets older, she will draw her own conclusion about her mother not being honest with her. To me,,,,it sounds like the makings of a problem child.

Also is there anything about the rights of a grandparent getting visitation rights?

I just hate this kind of stuff,,,,,,just aint right at all.....

 

[WillyBWright]

Re: Is this a form of abuse?

Sorry to hear about your plight. The sequestration of your daughter from you is a frequent symptom of domestic abuse. That generally continues through the generatons. I wish I had better news. The only reason I have any knowledge of it is my own experience with my stepdaughter. Fortunately there are no grandchildren yet, but I see the same pattern formulating as you are suffering. Unfortunately a grandparent's rights are terribly limited and there isn't much you can do. But lack of communication never helps. This of course is my expert observation as a certified marine mechanic.

 

[Vlad D Impeller]

Re: Is this a form of abuse?

You're damned if you do and damned if you don't, this has to be heart wrenching for you and the rest of your family, however this may be something that only time can address.
If i were in your position, i would stick to my principles and not give in to their *** for tat little games.

 

[LadyFish]

Re: Is this a form of abuse?

No doubt its bad wrong of her to lie to your grandaughter about your existence however, I don't know of any laws that protect against someone lying. The same goes for there being no laws against you benning your daughter's boyfriend from your house. Both actions only create family fueds that lead to years of grief for everyone involved.

 

[aspeck]

Re: Is this a form of abuse?

Yes, it is a form of abuse. No, there isn't much you can do about it - except work on the relationship between mother and daughter. From the sounds of the circumstances, that might be hard, but hang in there.

Have a friend whose daughter "disowned" her. She would not talk to her mother, return all cards and letters, unopened, to her, and told everyone that her mother died long ago and wanted no part of what was left of her ... The grandkids knew the stepmother as the only Grandmother they had.

For almost 20 years the daughter was very hard - oldest of the 4 grandkids was 12 years old when they were introduced to their grandmother for the first time - and they had a blast! It took a long time for the healing process, and the mother would not compromise her values or beliefs, and that very strength was what brought the daughter back. Don't give up ... never give up. Do what you can to repair the relationship, and time will heal. Will be praying for you and your wife and daughter.

 

[rwise]

Re: Is this a form of abuse?

Her boyfriend is not welcomed at our house and never will be.

I wont ask why, it doesn't mater. What does mater is this is who she has chosen to be with. As a parent we wish we could help our children choose their mate, or at least eliminate a few (shotgun comes to mind here ). You do not have to like him, just put up with him tell she see's the light. When he is not welcome at your home then she will feel unwelcome as well, not good. The best thing you can do here is to bite your tounge (for now) and let the young man (I know he probably doesn't fit this discription ) into your home. Then she can start to see his bad side, right now it is hiding behind you.
Good luck SS just got my daughter away from this type of guy. I will never understand why girls go after the bigest POS around

 

[RCSConstruction]

Re: Is this a form of abuse?

I wont ask why, it doesn't mater. What does mater is this is who she has chosen to be with. As a parent we wish we could help our children choose their mate, or at least eliminate a few (shotgun comes to mind here ). You do not have to like him, just put up with him tell she see's the light. When he is not welcome at your home then she will feel unwelcome as well, not good. The best thing you can do here is to bite your tounge (for now) and let the young man (I know he probably doesn't fit this discription ) into your home. Then she can start to see his bad side, right now it is hiding behind you.
Good luck SS just got my daughter away from this type of guy. I will never understand why girls go after the bigest POS around

Quoted for truth.
Damn good response.

 

[Limited-Time]

Re: Is this a form of abuse?

Dang sheety situation there SS. People change with time, there will come a time when the granddaughter learns the truth. She will want to know her grandmother, it?s human nature. For now if the wife wants to reach out to the family I think rwise is on the right track. But if your not comfortable allowing the guy in your home perhaps you can meet on neutral ground for short period of time to start with. Say lunch or a sit down cup of coffee.

 

[Andrew Leigh]

Re: Is this a form of abuse?

Divide and conquor, how's that for a new approach, the trojan horse approach. I agree wholeheartedly with rwise.

The more you are against the man your daughter has chosen to be with the more your daughter will resent you and resort to odd behaviour, particularly behaviour that will favour the boyfriend. For the moment forget who he is and what he's done, if that is at all possible. Focus on the big picture which is to return normality to your daughters life. It would appear as if your daughter believes that you as parents have abandoned her by not supporting her decision to be with this man and therefore her response has been a typical one from people who are hurt .... hurt back ..... hence the "you have no grandmother" statement. I must confess that I am not partial to the approach of using children as a pawn to support an argument. This is pretty much a *** for tat spiral that will continue until someone decides to break the pattern.

Challenge yourselves as parents to break the pattern, befriend them as a couple. This will allow your to regain the confidence of your daughter and grandaughter, at the expense of tolerating the boyfriend. One you have the trust element back you can begin to subtly suggest the "truth" to your daughter or you may well find that he may not be as bad as you think. I'll bet my mother-in-law warned my wife about me ..... 17 years ago.

A wise man said to me "If you keep doing, what you've always done, then you will always get the same result". By implication to change the result change the method.

Good luck, hope you have a successful outcome.
Andrew

 

[SS MAYFLOAT]

Re: Is this a form of abuse?

Here is why her boyfriend is not welcome in our home. This is the same guy that borrowed my bucket truck to haul scrap. I told him "NO" pulling of anything. He went against my wishes and tried to pull a post out of the ground that was encased in concrete. From what my SIL told me he broke the chain on the first try, then he doubled the chain. That is when he jerked my hitch of my truck. I used the same hitch to pull my 27' 8500lb boat. All he could say that I was lucky it broke now instead of when pulling my boat. I got mad a bit and became calm after about 15 min. Doesn't do a person good to stay mad. He then got PO'd at me and kept mad for the next day or so.

He then says that he would pay for it. I asked him how since he hasn't paid anything on the $850 he owes us. Being parents that want to help, we had been paying for a cell phone for them to use.

Two days after this incident, my wifes asks him if he wishes to continue the use or the phone or not. He got all PO'd said I put her up to asking for the phone back. My wife said that I didn't have anything to do with it since it was her phone and in my wifes name. She just wanted to know if they still wanted the phone or not. He then slammed the phone on the ground in which pieces went flying. One piece cut my wifes arm and the SOB said she was lying about that. Geeesh this guy is a welfare case and looks for nothing but handouts.

Later on afterwards he told my SIL that he had no intentions on paying us back. (another reason the wife and I are in credit card counseling). BTW this POS also brags on how his girlfriend is his slave. She works and pays his bills.

This guy hates us as much as we dislike him. With the threats he has made on my wife and threats as to kicking my butt,,,,,,I'm sorry,,,, but NO way is this guy ever going to be welcome in our home.

His influence on our daughter is what is really aggravating. BTW he is NOT the biological father of the grandchild. Our daughter won't even try to get support from the father. I don't this is right either, because the real father has the right to know he has a daughter. Just ashame that things go on like this.

Sorry for being winded, but I don't like seeing my wife upset over this matter. We should have called the police over the incident with the phone, but didn't because of our daughter. Wonder if there is a statute of limitations on filing charges?

Thanks for the help,,,,,,,,,SS

 

[stevieray]

Re: Is this a form of abuse?

No help, but thanks for the reinforcement for my decision NOT to reproduce.

 

[SuperNova]

Re: Is this a form of abuse?

Sorry to hear your plight SS. But if your really love your daughter and really want to know your grandaughter, your going to have to open your hearts enough to forget and forgive past infractions. That doesn't mean you have to like or trust the boyfriend, in fact quite the opposite; it allows you to keep a closer eye on him and stay in touch with what exactly is going on in your daughters relationship. Remember, keep your friends close and keep your enemies closer. This will also help you have some influence over your daughter and be in position to step in and help her if it gets bad. Just don't trust him or lend him anything anymore; lesson learned. We all have to tolerate jerks from time to time, you have to keep an eye on the big picture. Which is family doesn't shut out family regardless of poor decisions made by either party. As rwise said, by shutting him out you are shutting her out. What you want to do is make him believe you're his best friend and gain his trust and confidence. Then you can strike effectively when the time is right. And you'll get to enjoy your daughters and granddaughters company in the meantime.
--
Stan

 

[Haut Medoc]

Re: Is this a form of abuse?

Sad tale......
You do have legal rights as a grandparent......
You can get the court to force visitation, if you really want it..... ​

 

[SS MAYFLOAT]

Re: Is this a form of abuse?

Having that animal in my house would be like WillyBWright having GWB as the best man at his wedding.

Even if we did decide to have a go at it,,,,just knowing his temper is enough to say no way.

This guy can't even get a decent job due to his past criminal record. He put his uncle in the hospital in which he almost died. A felony assult (on his uncle), 3 domestics, and assult/battery. It would be like putting a piece of meat in a lions cage and expect the lion not to eat it. He beat the crap out of his ex wife, has struck my daughter once that I know of, and have witnessed him screaming at the top of his voice in my grandaughters ear. My wife as witnessed him pulling her hair and lifting her by one arm. Its sad because this happened about 2 years ago and now we don't know if it is still going on or not. We think it is and that is why she stays away. She knows we will no longer keep things from the authorities.

This time last year she was seeing another guy and started coming around. Her boyfriend made a threat to the other guy and my daughter,,,,so she is back with him. Like I said he is very very controlling. BTW,,,it is okay for him to see other women and my daughter seems like she has no choice but to tolerate it.

 

[snapperbait]

Re: Is this a form of abuse?

SS... I volunteer my services to take this dude out SHARK NOODLING!.......

 

[SuperNova]

Re: Is this a form of abuse?

Sounds like a tough situation. No easy answers. You need somebody tougher and meaner than this guy is to go talk to him and set him straight.
--
Stan

 

[aspeck]

Re: Is this a form of abuse?

Got any friends in law enforcement who would be willing to have a bit of a chat with him?

 

[SS MAYFLOAT]

Re: Is this a form of abuse?

Got any friends in law enforcement who would be willing to have a bit of a chat with him?

Sure do, since the shooting in the ER where she works, the hospital now has a full time officer that stays in the ER. I asked her to ask the officer some questions.

I don't understand why my daughter is acting this way. We don't harass them at all. My wife is has been patiently waiting for her to come around. She doesn't want us in their lives, but telling your child a big lie like this? If it wasn't for the oldest daughter being in touch with her, we wouldn't know nothing. I would actually prefer it that way.

My wife just reminded me that it has been a bit over 2 years. This is the 2nd year without anything for Mothers Day from her. Even Carl (my son that gave her a real bad time) called my wife on Mothers Day.

My best half is taking her anatomy classes and doesn't need this aggrivation. She had to repeat one class because of Carl and another time for the oldest daughter.

In the past 6 months I've had 2 beers. That was on New Years,,,,,,,,,I'm just afraid that a few (six packs) and maybe I'lllll,,,,,,,nope,,,,,,,,,,he is NOT WORTH IT!

 

[Rob454]

Re: Is this a form of abuse?

Also is there anything about the rights of a grandparent getting visitation rights?

....

i feel for you. To answer your question a big NO. As long as the parents are alive there isnt much you can do legally. I asked my friends dad cause he called me to go fishing and he is a family lawyer and I happen to be reading your post. he said he had a case similar where the GP wanted visitation rights and they went to court. the court basically said youre SOL the parents choice stands. the GPs were heartbroken. Turned out a few years later blood is really thicker than water and the GP got to see their grandchildren.
IMO she will come around. this guy may not be around forever but family will still be there
Good luck
Rob

 

[Plainsman]

Re: Is this a form of abuse?

To answer the question for the thread name, I'd say no. And I agree with Haut, there are avenues legally, that you can go ask for as biological grandparents.
As for your daughter and the boyfriend, the best advice I have is try to talk to your daughter, even if "bribery" is needed to get her to your house alone.
I do agree with you that the jerkoff boyfriend has no place in your house, or anywhere near you or your wife. But I would also say that if the boyfriend must be there, I'd invest in a few can of Pepper Spray and be sure that you and your knew how to use it and not be afraid to use it.