A few funnies

[SpinnerBait_Nut]

"Lingering Memory"

An elderly gentleman was telling his friend
about a new restaurant he and his wife recently
visited.

"The food and service were great!" he said.

His friend asked, "What's the name of the place?"

"Gee, I don't remember," he said, "What do you
call the long stemmed flower people give on
special occasions?"

"You mean a rose?" asked his friend.

"That's it!" he exclaimed and turning to his wife,
asked, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant
we went to the other day?"
_______________________________________________
"Age vs Strength"

The strong young man at the construction site
was bragging he could outdo anyone in a feat
of strength.

He made a special case of making fun of one
of the older workmen. After several minutes, the
older worker had enough. "Why don't you put your
money where your mouth is?" he said. "I will bet
a week's wages that I can haul something in a
wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you
won't be able to wheel back."

"You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's
see what you got."

The old man reached out and grabbed the
wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding
to the young man, he said, "All right. Get in."
________________________________________________
Two minister pass on the way to do their Sunday
service. One drives. On rides a bike.

One Sunday the driver see his friend walking.
He stops and asks, " Where is your bike ? "

The reply, " I think one of my flock has stolen my
bike. "

After a moments consideration: " Preach a strong
sermon on the ten commandments and stress
THOU SHALT NOT STEAL ."

The following Sunday he is on his bike . The
driver pulls over and says,

"I see our plan worked. "

"Not exactly . When I came to THOU SHALT NOT
COMMIT ADULTERY, I remember where I left my
Bicycle! "

 

[stan_deezy]

Re: A few funnies

Thanks for that, I just remembered where my watch is!

 

[Dunaruna]

Re: A few funnies

Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, 'I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent.' 'Thank goodness,' said an elderly nun at the back. 'I'm so tired of chardonnay.



A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. 'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen
to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the! salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!' The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?' The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'

 

[kenmyfam]

Re: A few funnies

Funny !!!!

 

[Navy Jr.]

Re: A few funnies

How to bury doctors:

A well-known cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service.

Following the eulogy, the heart opened and the casket was rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point one of the mourners burst into laughter.

When confronted about his behavior, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral. You see, I'm a gynecologist."

At that point, the proctologist fainted.

 

[zach103]

Re: A few funnies

HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA all of those are greattttt

 

[redeye1962]

Re: A few funnies

A lesson on how consultants can make a difference in an organization.

Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant, 'Steve's Place,' and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.

It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket.

Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired, 'Why the spoon?'

'Well, 'he explained, 'the restaurant's owner hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all of our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour.

If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.'

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare. 'I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now.' I was impressed.

I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly.

Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, 'Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?'

'Oh, certainly!' Then he lowered his voice. 'Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the restroom.

By tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%.

I asked quietly, 'After you get it out, how do you put it back?'

'Well,' he whispered, 'I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon.'

 

[redeye1962]

Re: A few funnies

A guy is sitting at the bar just staring at his drink for half an hour when this big trouble-making biker steps next to him, grabs his drink, gulps it down in one swig and then turns to the guy with a menacing stare as if to say, 'What'cha gonna do about it?'

The poor little guy starts crying.

'Come on man I was just giving you a hard time,' the biker says. 'I didn't think you'd CRY.' 'I can't stand to see a man crying.

'This is the worst day of my life,' says the little guy between sobs. 'I can't do anything right. I overslept and was late to an important meeting, so my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car was stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife in bed with the gardener and my dog bit me. So, I came to this bar trying to work up the courage to put an end to my life, and then you show up and drink my poison.

 

[redeye1962]

Re: A few funnies

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.



I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.



The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.



So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.



When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.



She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too' And then the fight started.....




********************************************************************************



My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging



her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.



My wife asked, 'Do you know her?' 'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend.



I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'



'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?' And then the fight started.....




********************************************************************************



I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car.



You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... he was a DWARF!!!



He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!'



So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?' And then the fight started... .


..............................................................................



A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy



with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old,



fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'


The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.' And then the fight started.....

 

[redeye1962]

Re: A few funnies

Sorry, I had a few

 

[levittownnick]

Re: A few funnies

None of these are mine, most are old, but I'll pass them on anyway.
Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."

**************************
In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."

**************************
On a Septic Tank Truck:
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels

**************************
At a Proctologist's door:
"To expedite your visit, please back in."

**************************
On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."

**************************
On another Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."

**************************
On a Church's Bill board:
"7 days without God makes one weak."

**************************
At a Tyre Shop in Milwaukee:
"Invite us to your next blowout."

**************************
At a Towing company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."

**************************
On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."

**************************
In a Nonsmoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."

**************************
On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."

**************************
At an Optometrist's Office:
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."

**************************
On a Taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."

**************************
On a Fence:
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!"

**************************
At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."

**************************
Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."

**************************
In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

**************************
At the Electric Company
"We would be delighted if you send in your payment.
However, if you don't, you will be."

**************************
In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up."

**************************
In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."

**************************
At a Propane Filling Station:
"Thank heaven for little grills."

**************************
And don't forget the sign at a
CHICAGO RADIATOR SHOP:
"Best place in town to take a leak."

 

[redeye1962]

Re: A few funnies

Last weekend I spied something at the pawn shop that tickled my fancy.
(Note: Keep in mind that my "fancy" is easily tickled). I bought
something really cool for my wife.

The occasion was our 18th anniversary and I was looking for a little
something extra for my sweet girl.

What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Taser gun with
a clip. For those of you who are not familiar with this product, it is a
less-than-lethal stun gun with two metal prongs designed to incapacitate
an assailant with a shock of high-voltage, low amperage electricity
while you flee to safety. The effects are supposed to be short lived
with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, but allowing you
adequate time to retreat to safety.

You simply jab the prongs into your 250 lb. tattooed assailant, push the
button, and it will render him a slobbering, goggle-eyed,
muscle-twitching, whimpering, pencil-neck geek. If you've never seen one
of these things in action, then you're truly missing out--way too cool!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two
AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was so
disappointed. Upon reading the directions (we don't need no stinkin'
directions), I found much to my chagrin that this particular model would
not create an arch between the prongs. How disappointing! I do love fire
for effect. I learned that if I pushed the button, however, and pressed
it against a metal surface
that I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between
the prongs that I was so looking forward to. I did so.

Awesome! Sparks, a blue arch of electricity, and a loud pop!

Yipeeeeee!

I'm easily amused, just for your information, but I have yet to explain
to her what that burn spot on the face of her microwave is.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it
couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, etc., etc.

There I sat in my recliner, my dog looking on intently (trusting little
soul), reading the directions (that would be me, not the dog) and
thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood
target.

I must admit I thought about zapping the dog for a fraction of a second
and thought better of it. He is such a sweet pup, after all. But, if I
was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a
mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I
wrong?

Was I wrong to think that? It seemed reasonable to me at the time.

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my glasses
perched & ;delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand,
Taser in the other. The directions said that a one-second burst would
shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to
cause muscle spasms and a loss of bodily control; a three-second burst
would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out
of water.

All the while I'm looking at this little device (measuring about 5"
long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference, pretty cute really, and
loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries) thinking to myself, "No
friggin' way!"

Friggin' way - trust me, but I'm getting ahead of myself.

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.
Those of you who know me well have got a pretty good idea of what
followed. I'm sitting there alone, the dog looking on with his head
cocked to one side as to say, "Don't do it buddy," reasoning that a
one-second burst from such ! a tiny l il' ole thing couldn't hurt all
that bad (sound, rational thinking under the circumstances, wouldn't you
agree?).

I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the hell of it.

(Note: You know, a bad decision is like hindsight-- always 20-20. It is
so obvious that it was a bad decision after the fact, even though it
seemed so right at the time. Don't ya just hate that?) I touched the
prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY*********!
DAaaaauuuuuuMN!!!

I'm pretty sure that Jessie Ventura ran in through the front door,
picked me up out of that recliner, then body slammed me on the carpet
over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal
position, nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, soaking wet,
with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position. The dog
was standing over me making sounds I had never heard before, licking my
face, undoubtedly thinking to himself, "Do it again, do it again!"

(NOTE: If you ever feel compelled to mug yourself with a Taser, one note
of caution. There is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap
yourself. You're not going to let go of that thing until it is dislodged
from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.. Then, if
you're lucky, you won't dislodge one of the prongs 1/4" deep into your
thigh like yours truly.)

SON-OF-A-***** ;that hurt! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as
time was a relative thing at this point), I collected my wits (what
little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My glasses were
on the TV across the room. How did they get there??? My triceps, right
thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had
been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. give or
take an ounce or two, I'm pretty sure.

By the way, has anyone seen my testicles? I think they ran away. I'm
offering a reward. They're round, ! kinda hairy, and handsome if I must
say so myself. Miss 'em; sure would like to get 'em back.

 

[avenger79]

Re: A few funnies

you know as funny as that is to read the even better part is that you know someone has tried it.