Advice from my iboats friends

[Carphunter]

As some of you may know, I quit my job of 18 years about three years ago to pursue a dream of being an outfitter. Well, I found I was able to make some money, but not near enough to support my family, so I am back in the workforce as a maintenance director for a local parks department, (not really what I want to do with my life).​

My problem is that during this transition of switching jobs, and trying to figure out just where I belong, I have apparently endured a mid-life crisis. A couple of years ago, I started having trouble sleeping, and it felt like I had "butterflies" in my stomach all the time. I began worrying about everything, but mostly my job. I am 39 years old and have the best wife and kids anyone could ever ask for. I have struggled with what I should be doing with my life. I thought about going to school to be an elementary teacher, but am afraid of the cost and time commitment. I feel as a father I should be saving every penny for my boys future, and not be so worried about mine. I thought about going into business with a friend of mine who has a small "fab" shop, but don't really know how committed he is to doing that. I know many people who go to work everyday and they don't really like their job, and I think, maybe thats just how its supposed to be. I can be miserable if it means a better future for my family.​

I struggle all the time with past decisions. I should have went to college earlier in life; should have chosen a different career; should have done this; should have done that, ect. How do you get over things like this? I know I can't change the past, but I still worry about it. I have an appointment to talk to my doctor about my "problems". It embarrasses me to no end to think that I have to discuss possible "depression" with my doctor..................I should be stronger than that. Has anyone else ever gone through any of this? I have days where I don't worry as much, but I still worry way too much, and this has gone on long enough. I just want to be happy again. I never used to be this way.​

Anyway, sorry about the rant, but it helps to get this off my chest.​

 

[Limited-Time]

Re: Advice from my iboats friends

It's time for professional help. At least for the short term. Struggling with what you should have done in the past is only useful if it gives you direction for the future. You cannot change your past decisions or actions. I would sit down with my wife discuss where I'm/we are at and where we want to be. Then lay out a plan to get there. I'd also pay a visit to my Doctor and review whats going on and the possibility of some short term help.

 

[jcsercsa]

Re: Advice from my iboats friends

Hay no problem , I think we all go threw the should have , could have , would have !! I was just thinking the other day if i would have been smart when i was a teen , i could have been retired next year , with the semi-conductor plant , when i was in school they sent us out on different job for training and this place was was part of the heating and air conditions classes , well they were talking about giving me a job, well i was more worried about partying !!

I went to collage and again i was more worried about partying , getting some !!! lol I meet my ex there and had two great kids , [that i have custody of ] so if things didnt go the way they did i wouldnt have them !! then i meet my wife 8 years ago , right after that like a little over a year , she had to have her female parts removed !! [ didnt want to even try to spell histormacy ] lol we talked about if we could have had kids !!

I dont know where i am going with this i guess , it just that life takes a lot of turns , I never thought i would be cutting meat , but its a ok job, I do like working with people , and its steady , I am great at it !! we had the most in gain in sales here last quater in the zone !! 28 stores !! sorry had to toot my own horn there !! but there again if i would have taken the job in high school I would have made twice as much money as i am now !! glad my wife has a great job !!!

I think that its in our nature to worrie , think it makes us a good parent, a good husband , and a good friend !!

ok I guess i ranted here long enough , if it is really getting you down there is no shame in talking to the doc about it , it can only help and rember we are he also , if you need to vent or something else just give us a yell !!!!!!!!!! John

 

[Shizzy]

Re: Advice from my iboats friends

I went through a rough patch about 6 years ago. divorce, debt, lost my job, lost some relatives, etc. the best thing I did was go talk to my doctor and go see a counselor. after a few sessions with the shrink and a very low dose of "happy pills" I got right back on track. I only needed both for 3-4 months. It turned out what was bothering me was more then the current issues. the best part for me was being able to go talk to someone who isnt going to go tell your secrets.

 

[JB]

Re: Advice from my iboats friends

A lot of mid-life crisis is about "if only". You are a bit young for a real mid-life crisis, but it could be.

I agree with LT. Get some professional help. My suggestion is a career counselor. Ask him/her to assess your "motivated skills". They will reveal what you will be most successful at and the happiest doing. It might take some specialized training/education to get qualifications needed.

You have plenty of time to plan, organize and execute a new career. I made major career changes at 26 and 48 and didn't earn my Ph.D until I was 60.

 

[tashasdaddy]

Re: Advice from my iboats friends

i've been thru it many times, but what i learned is, worry about what you can change, and accept the things you can't.

 

[Bob_VT]

Re: Advice from my iboats friends

Go to the book store and get this book "Who Moved My Cheese" and read it...... takes about a whole hour. It might help and I have told others about it too. Great story and it may help.

 

[modernrocketry]

Re: Advice from my iboats friends

I hear ya!
I'm on a really crappy project right now -- I hate the work every day.
We all do the 'if only' stuff. I have lots of fancy pieces of paper from big expensive Universities and I think, 'if only'
My home life is good, although we have ups and downs -- I have learned to accept them as normal and not try to "fix it"
My son is a pain in the behind at the moment -- I was searching for a home waterboarding kit to remedy this, but none are available. His current phase will pass. I remind myself that boys are easier than girls... I think.

Every once in a while I look this up:

Work like you don't need the money
dance like no one is watching
sing like no one is listening
love like you've never been hurt
and live life every day as if it were your last

I also do one other thing that helps; I go to my 'holy place' during lunch. So today, I'll take a long lunch and have a very nice cigar on the bridge deck of my big boat. There are years of memories on that big piece of fiberglass; it reminds me why I do it.

 

[gonfishn]

Re: Advice from my iboats friends

Four years ago i opened my own furniture store. Anytime you are going out on your own or trying something new you will have the symptoms you are having now

There is always doubt about what you should have done or not. That comes with the territory. Unless you own a business you have no clue what we business folks go through. Folks who work for others have a built in cocoon. Meaning that the employer takes care of you and at the end of your shift you go home to your families and pretty much are done with that side of the fence. On my side of the fence i basically have to live it to be successful in the beginning 24/7.

You changed your direction what you were doing. This does not make you a failure. If ya get knocked down get back up and do it again. You don't need professional help. What you need is to get your confidence back. Remember when you stared your guide service. Remember how excited you were to be going out on your own. Thats what you want to capture again. It ok to be uncertain or have doubts about what you did or should have done Thats what separates us from the dreamers and doers.

Look I am gettn ready to open my own mattress factory this weekend. I have been told that i am crazy to do this with the way things are. Those are the dreamers who are secure and are not risk takers. I may fail but by burning all my bridges behind me i have to go forward. Way I look at it i came into this world with nothing and i am ok going out with nothing. But if i am right those nay sayers will still be still stuck in the dead end job and i will be doing alot more fishn in the years to come. I can always manage a store or what you you are doing now. This way you can regroup your confidence. I do know that Carphunter is to radical to stay down for very long. Stay positive no matter how bad it seems. Even call me if ya need to. Stay away from those who are negative on your future dreams and you will be ok.

 

[Ross J]

Re: Advice from my iboats friends

You held down a job for a number of years and then went out on your own. It's little wonder you may have felt the way you describe.
The security of employment with a good employer is usually far more inportant than the stress associated with the job.
I agree it can be hard, I love what I do but have to put up with arses for bosses. It's a bit like sucking nectar through a hangmans noose!
The decisions dealing with families and responsibilities associated with them are always foremost in our mind and your description of the feelings there are most understandable, there's always the fear of failure when going into buisiness.
This feeling will always be there weather or not you make it big or just manage to make ends meet.
You are a brave man, to make the decisions you have took guts and you have my respect for that. To print it here also takes guts and again you have my respect for that too.
Now for the hard part, do you want help coping with the emotional aspects, or support for the unknown future?
Assistance is only a phone call away and would be my choice, there's very experienced folk out there who can and will help you. They understand where you're coming from and can empathise with your situation. You'll be amazed what they can do even though you may not feel that initially. Give them a go and let somebody walk alongside you for a while.
Ross

 

[arboldt]

Re: Advice from my iboats friends

I changed careers when I was ~40, also. I've said my only regret was not doing it 20 years earlier. However, when I look back I always can feel I made the best decision I could with what I knew then and the particular circumstances I was in at the time. So don't beat yourself up, just ask 'what do I do now?'

Suggestions:

1) Your doctor may be a good start to deal with anxieties.
2) Your pastor or someone in your church may help, provide guidance, insight, and accountability / structure. Even better for dealing with anxieties.
3) You're in Indiana, right? There should be a branch of IVY Tech not too far away. A career counselor there should be able to help you identify and prepare for your next career (The FtWayne branchhelped me).
4) Get a copy of _What Color Is Your Parachute?'_ by Bolles and visit his http://www.jobhuntersbible.com/

 

[INJUN]

Re: Advice from my iboats friends

The best treatment for me is to go fishing, alone. It dosen't make them trouble go away but it sure helps. I once told God my plans and He laughed.

 

[modernrocketry]

Re: Advice from my iboats friends

So today, I'll take a long lunch and have a very nice cigar on the bridge deck of my big boat.

The Cigar was good and for a fleeting moment, I knew the secret of life.
If I'd only had pen and paper handy.

Hang in there!

 

[avenger79]

Re: Advice from my iboats friends

I know exactly where you are. You have what others would consider a good life but it just doesn't seem to bring you the happiness you had hoped for at this point in your life.
I went to college albeit a little late, and still have a job I hate. It pays well and supports the family so I stay. Next year my son graduates and I will figure out what I want to do then.
How old are your kids? Do you have time to go to school and change your career and still get some saved back up to help them? Do you know what you really want to do? Are you really unhappy at work or just a little sad that at 39 you're not a rockstar living the great life with unlimited funds and tons of girls? May seem like a rude question but many guys have that feeling. They thought life would be more "exciting" and suddenly at 39 or 40 realize that they are just normal people. They're not going to reinvent the wheel and when they pass few people will even notice other than close friends and family.
If you have an idea of what you truly want to do in life then go for it. Go to school and get the job. You'll be happier there so you'll be better at it. If you're better at it you'll make money at it and be able to help your kids get to school as well.
Never hurts to try and better yourself.

 

[Kiwi Phil]

Re: Advice from my iboats friends

I got to go along with gonfishn, except for one small point....I would go have a chat with my family doctor.
He is the person to do a basic assessment of you, and I think this would be a vital move at this point.

Been there, done that. The Dr was excellant...and have followed his advice since.

Cheers
Phillip

 

[mickjetblue]

Re: Advice from my iboats friends

I think it's time to get over the "wishy washies" of the past,
and get on with the present and the future.

You have a decent job, and a great family, which is much more
than many other guys have. Be thankful for all the good that you have,
and for their sake and yours, get on with life!


_______________________________________________________
You can lead a duck to water, but that doesn't make him a sailor.

 

[Carphunter]

Re: Advice from my iboats friends

Thanks for all the absolutely great advice. I realize that I have some "problems", and I am going to the doctor for help. Its not near as bad as it used to be, so hopefully I'm coming out of this funk. I know I have a great family, and I know that I have a good life, thats why I can't explain some of the problems that I've been having. If I could just turn it off, I would, but I haven't been able to do that. I never used to be this way, so I can't explain it, and unless you've gone through it, you really wouldn't understand.
avenger, my boys are 12 and 14. I don't really know if I have time to go to school, and still have the time to save up money for them. I have absolutely no desire to be a "rockstar" living that sort of life. I could not be any happier with my "home" life. My wife and kids are the greatest, and I couldn't live life without them. They are my world. Being a normal person is just fine by me, ...........but I certainly am not normal.
Thanks Ross J for the encouraging words. Thanks gonfishn for the offer to contact you if I need to, wouldn't want your significant other to fall in love with my sexy voice though. (see, I haven't lost it completely).
You have all given some great advice. This is the first time I have printed out a thread so I could keep it with me and read again.
Thanks again, and I'll keep you posted. (Hey, its October 1st, time to pull out the bow and do some serious deer huntin.)​

 

[aspeck]

Re: Advice from my iboats friends

Keep hanging in there, Carpy! Just a few things you need to know:

1. You are in my thoughts and prayers.
2. I am available anytime.
3. Hunting and fishing are great therapy.
4. Glad you are seeing your Doc ... your clergy can be of help also.
5. Keep the wife involved in what is going on in your head. It sounds like she has been very supportive and your rock ... make sure you stay on the same page.
6. We have all had the "what if's". But the past is over and cannot be changed. Today is where you are and tomorrow is where you are going ... so don't sweat yesterday, it is over. Your wife and you can decide where you are going tomorrow, and how you will get there. Enjoy the ride.

 

[Carphunter]

Re: Advice from my iboats friends

Your my hero Art,..........................Thanks.​

 

[Tyme2fish]

Re: Advice from my iboats friends

I believe that all of us harbor doubts and regrets and how we missed opportunities in life. Several years ago at my annual visit to my doctor I asked him to perform a depression questionaire for me. I failed (or passed ? ) and was put on an anti-depressant. I have since gotten off the medication but it helped while I was in need.

Carphunter, we are "neighbors" in Greenville and as a retired pharmacist I may be able to help you with any questions you may have on anti-depressants or just to chat. PM me with any questions or just to chat and I'll give you my phone number. Beats the heck out of typing!!

Hang in there neighbor, you have friends here at iboats.