I don' know if this has been posted here or not. I just received it today and thought ya'll might like it.<br /><br />c/6<br />Hooty<br /><br />Enclosed is an actual letter sent to a bank. The bank manager thought it<br />amusing enough to have it published in the New York Times.<br /><br />Dear Sir:<br /><br />I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to<br />pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have<br />elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of<br />the funds needed to honor it.<br /><br />I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire salary, an<br />arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years. You are<br />to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for<br />debiting my account $50 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to<br />your bank.<br /><br />My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me<br />to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally<br />attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am<br />confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, prerecorded faceless entity<br />which your bank has become.<br /><br />From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person.<br />My mortgage and loan repayments will, therefore and hereafter, no longer be<br />automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and<br />confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate. Be aware<br />that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to open such<br />an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I<br />require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages,<br />but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about<br />me, there is no alternative.<br /><br />Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be<br />countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her<br />financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be<br />accompanied by documented proof.<br /><br />In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she<br />must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than<br />28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses<br />required to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they<br />say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.<br /><br />Let me level the playing field even further. Press buttons as follows:<br />1.- To make an appointment to see me.<br />2.- To query a missing payment.<br />3.- To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.<br />4.- To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.<br />5.- To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.<br />6.- To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.<br />7.- To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is<br />required. Password will be communicated at a later date to the authorized<br />contact.<br />8.- To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.<br />9.- To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be put on<br />hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.<br /><br />While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will<br />play for the duration of the call.<br /><br />Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an<br />establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement. May I<br />wish you a happy, if ever-so-slightly less prosperous day,<br /><br />Your Humble Client<br /><br />Judy
