Bubba Claus Is Coming To Town!<br />> ><br />> > A new contract for Santa has finally been negotiated....Please read the<br />> > following carefully.......<br />> ><br />> > I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer be<br />> > able to serve Southern United States on Christmas Eve. Due to the<br />> > overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract was<br />renegotiated<br />> > by the North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. I now serve only<br />> > certain areas of Oregon, Nevada, Washington, Montana and California. As<br />> > part of the new and better contract I also get longer breaks for milk<br />and<br />> > cookies so keep that in mind.<br />> ><br />> > However, I'm certain that your children will be in good hands with your<br />> > local replacement who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His<br />side<br />> > of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering<br />toys<br />> > to all the good boys and girls; however, there are a few differences<br />> > between us. Differences such as:<br />> ><br />> > 1. There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba<br />Claus.<br />> > He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads: "These<br />> > toys insured by Smith and Wesson."<br />> ><br />> > 2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave<br />an<br />> > RC cola and pork rinds [or a moon pie] on the fireplace. And Bubba<br />doesn't<br />> > smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have an empty<br />spit<br />> > can handy.<br />> ><br />> > 3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs<br />instead<br />> > of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer<br />one<br />> > time, and Blitzen now overlooks Bubba's fireplace.<br />> ><br />> > 4. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen ..." when<br />> > Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on Wallace, on<br />> > Martin and Labonte. On Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliott and Petty."<br />> ><br />> > 5. "Ho, ho, ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" And you also are likely<br />> > to hear Bubba's elves respond, "I her'd dat!"<br />> ><br />> > 6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does have a<br />> > Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words "Back off" The<br />> > last I heard it also had other decorations on the sleigh back as well.<br />One<br />> > is Ford or Chevy logo with lights that race through the letters and the<br />> > other is a caricature of me (Santa Claus) going wee wee on the Tooth<br />> > Fairy.<br />> ><br />> > 7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th Street"<br />and<br />> > "It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your negotiated viewing<br />area.<br />> > Instead, you'll see "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas" and "Smokey and the<br />Bandit<br />> > IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol<br />cars<br />> > crashing into each other.<br />> ><br />> > 8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure you,<br />the<br />> > wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presents<br />> > under the tree.<br />> ><br />> > 9. And finally, lovely Christmas songs have been sung about me like<br />> > Rudolph The Red-nosed Reindeer" and Bing Crosby's "Santa Claus Is Coming<br />> > to Town." This year songs about Bubba Claus will be played on all the AM<br />> > radio stations in the South. Those song title will be Mark Chesnutt's<br />> > "Bubba Claus Shot the Jukebox" and "Grandma Got Run'd Over by a<br />Reindeer."<br />> ><br />> > Sincerely Yours,<br />> ><br />> > Santa Claus<br />> > (Member of North American Fairies and Elves Local 209) 
<br /><br />Taz
<br /><br />Taz
