stan_deezy
Lieutenant Commander
- Joined
- Oct 18, 2003
- Messages
- 1,539
Picture the scene: Inverkip Marina, Firth of Clyde, West Coast of Scotland. Lovely summer day, slight breeze blowing, ideal sailing weather.<br /><br />Our "hero" for this tale has just bought his first sailboat, 18 ft fibreglass, small motor. Hero drags wife, two young kids and the family dog down to see the boat. He looks at the road atlas (!) in the car and decides that they can see the town of Rothesay on the Island of Bute in the distance across the Clyde. Hero decides that, despite having never sailed before he will take the "crew" and sail to Rothesay for the day.<br /><br />To give him his dues he did make it there without any problems (as far as we can tell). They tie up, go shopping, have a meal, have a few drinks and then set sail on the return journey. This is where things start to go wrong.....Hero has forgotten that he now has to tack to get up the Clyde and it takes a LOT longer than he thought. Night descends and he tries to keep the lights of the marina in view.<br /><br />Hero sees a flashing white light on his starboard side (he is heading North) and it appears quite far offshore. He is unsure what it means because it doesn't show up on his road atlas (go figure!). He decides to pass it to Port (ie he goes between the light and the shore). It is the marker for a sewage diffuser head.<br /><br />The boat grinds to a halt on the sewer head and is stuck fast. Our hero can see the lights of a cottage close to the beach only a few hundred yards away and decides to swim to shore to get help (VHF doesn't work because there are no batteries on the boat).<br /><br />Our hero jumps from the boat with a large splash, straight into the middle of all the lovely fresh sewage 
and swims to shore. He makes it safely and looks around to wave to his wife but "einstien" hasn't done his maths.....he weighs 23 stones (320 lbs) and was on a small,light boat. The minute he had jumped overboard the boat had lifted clean off the sewer head and now the boat is sailing back down the Clyde ! Hero had left the sails up <br /><br />His wife is standing on the deck screaming (she doesn't know how to sail), the kids are crying, the dog is barking.<br /><br />Our hero runs to the cottage and hammers on the door. The old lady who owns the cottage opens the door, smells the sewage and slams the door in his face thinking he's a tramp! <br /><br />He tries flagging down cars but everytime they stop and get a whiff of the sewage they drive off <br /><br />Finally the police stop and manage to get the story from him (someone had reported a madman hollering at passing traffic!). We get the call and proceed in our Landrover (our boat is already tasked to another shout).<br />We spot the yacht sailing merrily down the Clyde, dangerously close to shore and a ferry jetty! Luckily we manage to fire a line through the rigging, and haul it into the jetty. Wife, kids and dog all safe but shaken and the boat was put up for sale the next day......<br /><br />Some shouts you just can't help but fall about laughing at
and swims to shore. He makes it safely and looks around to wave to his wife but "einstien" hasn't done his maths.....he weighs 23 stones (320 lbs) and was on a small,light boat. The minute he had jumped overboard the boat had lifted clean off the sewer head and now the boat is sailing back down the Clyde ! Hero had left the sails up <br /><br />His wife is standing on the deck screaming (she doesn't know how to sail), the kids are crying, the dog is barking.<br /><br />Our hero runs to the cottage and hammers on the door. The old lady who owns the cottage opens the door, smells the sewage and slams the door in his face thinking he's a tramp! <br /><br />He tries flagging down cars but everytime they stop and get a whiff of the sewage they drive off <br /><br />Finally the police stop and manage to get the story from him (someone had reported a madman hollering at passing traffic!). We get the call and proceed in our Landrover (our boat is already tasked to another shout).<br />We spot the yacht sailing merrily down the Clyde, dangerously close to shore and a ferry jetty! Luckily we manage to fire a line through the rigging, and haul it into the jetty. Wife, kids and dog all safe but shaken and the boat was put up for sale the next day......<br /><br />Some shouts you just can't help but fall about laughing at 