Family issue--question. Need advice.

[SuperNova]

Most of you know my grandfather passed away at the beginning of summer unexpectedly. We used to spend summers with them and after I was married my wife and I used to go there for the weekends and sometimes for vacation. Needless to say I was always close to my grandparents. About 6 years ago my mother and my aunt (their daughters) told me and my brother and my sister to not go visit anymore because it was too much on my grandparents. Now, mind you my grandparents were always active and never sick or tired or anything. Heck they are in their 80's and they looked younger and did more than my parents who are only early 60's.
Anyway, my grandfather used to ask us why we never come down to visit anymore and we always had to make up some B.S. excuse. After he died, I felt really bad about not seeing them more often and lying to them. Now I try to see my grandmother and my aunt and mom are trying the same crap. I am starting to get mad and I learned from my mistake, so I do want to see her and I want my daughters to get to know her. I feel like telling her the truth about why we haven't been down as often, just to stir the pot but I don't know if that is the right way to handle it. If it was just my aunt, I wouldn't care, but my mom is really sick and I don't want to hurt her, which is why we obeyed them in the first place. Or, I could just ignore them and go visit when I want, regardless.
--
Stan

 

[SpinnerBait_Nut]

Re: Family issue--question. Need advice.

Stan, that is a tough call for sure.
If it was me, and this is just me, I would explain to mom how it hurt you when papaw died and you had not seen him in so long before and that you did not want the same thing with grandmother.

Don't know the extent of your moms sickness, but maybe she would understand and not hurt her so much.
Like I said it's a tough call to make when you are caught in the middle like that.
Good luck on whatever decision you make.

 

[sun_runner235]

Re: Family issue--question. Need advice.

Your relationship with your grandparents is YOUR relationship. Not your mom's or aunts. I would just tell grandma that you thought your frequent visits may have been making their life a little more hectic and you didn't want to be a burden. Then tell her that if she wants you to visit, you will, as often as she would like. Let her know she's compeletely in control. As for your mom, I would have to have a serious conversation with her once you find out if your grandmother minds the visits. Explain to her that you're going to abide by your grandmothers wishes, just as you would want your kids to treat their relationship to your mom. You're kind of in a tough spot, but your in this spot because of your mom and aunt. Do what you feel is completely right in your heart, not what someone else wants you to do.

 

[Mike722]

Re: Family issue--question. Need advice.

I agree with SBN. I would not tell your grandma, but I would talk to your mother first.

Good Luck

 

[SuperNova]

Re: Family issue--question. Need advice.

I guess what my mom used to claim is that after we'd visit my grandmother would call her up on monday and complain about all the things we did or didn't do. My mom had leukemia in the late 90's and ended up getting a bone marrow transplant when they were still experimental procedures. Of her "class" shes the only one still alive, but she fights graft versus host disease, so she's on immuno-supressives and fairly weak. That's why when she asked us to not go anymore, we kind of obeyed her. To make her life easier. But know I am thinking it's more of a control issue. Particularly with my aunt. My grandmother is very well off even though she doesn't live that way and I think my aunt who lives in Arizona is worried that we are closer than she is and she is thinking about the will.

 

[sun_runner235]

Re: Family issue--question. Need advice.

All very good deductioins Super.....That's why I say talk to your grandmother one on one and see how she likes your visits, are there things you can do to make the visits good etc.

 

[LadyFish]

Re: Family issue--question. Need advice.

Go see your grandmother, bring your wife and daughter, you'll make her day. Your Mom is trying to watch out for her, but maybe too much.

Tell her you don't want to wear her out but really want to visit with her. Ask her if she feels up to it. Chances are, she will.

Cook meals or help her around the house when you visit to make it easier on her. She'll beg you to come back.

Good luck!

 

[RCSConstruction]

Re: Family issue--question. Need advice.

I think by not going to see my grandfather very often had a very negative effect on his life.
I was just really busy with my new family, new daughter, new wife, new job, etcc. but after he passed away it occurred to me that he was very lonely and sad. I didn't realize how important it was to him to just have me sit there and watch tv, talk about fishing, read the paper, etcc. with him.
Do whatever makes your Grandma happy and DO NOT TELL HER about what your family has been saying. It would break her heart.
I miss my gramps and wish I could have spent more time with him. Sounds like you do too. Don't let grandma down.....

 

[ANIMAL]

Re: Family issue--question. Need advice.

Some times I don't know my butt from a whole in the ground,,,but,,,it sounds to me like your mother and aunt are afraid of loseing something out of the will when your grandma passes on. I would go see her as much as I wanted and tell her whats happening. A few years ago I was susposed to change the breaks on sisters car and they didn't need it {waist of money, just squeeked a little} so I wouldn't do it. Well sis went whineing to mom about it and said looks like you and dad could make him do it and moms reply was "When your sons 42 years old you don't make him do anything" {I love my folks because they let me be me}. Go for that famous saying that NIKI likes so much "JUST DO IT" or you will regret it later. I sure do wish I still had my grandparents around....ANIMAL

 

[ANIMAL]

Re: Family issue--question. Need advice.

Looks like you answered you'r own question. Kind of what I said and I didn't know about the money,,,,gee does that mean I'm learning to read minds { guess a little of OMR rubbed off on me,,,don't know if thats good or bad}...ANIMAL

 

[JB]

Re: Family issue--question. Need advice.

Well, I am a greatgrandpa. I have quite a few descendants that I dearly love and love to have visit. Here is my view.

Yes. When they are coming it is a bit hectic "getting ready" and after they leave I am usually worn out. That is because I want them to enjoy the visits as much as I do.

The closest of them live about 70 miles away and I no longer drive at night (cataracts) so going to visit them entails some anxiety. But I go anyway because I treasure nothing more than my children, their children and their children's children. I usually have to leave when the celebration is at a peak in order to get home before dark.

I think the love of my life, their great grandma, feels about the same but she is still able to drive at night and lives even farther away.

What discussion that goes on between your mom and you is not grandma's business and what goes on with grandma is not mom's business. Do not discuss either with the other.

Visit granny and take your children as often as she wants. If you don't you will regret it. She is alone now and that makes it many times as important.

Forget wills and inheritance. Those considerations have no place in intergenerational relationships. She cannot have enough money to replace the memories of great granny that your children will have.

Many of we old folks view our descendants as our immortality and validation of ourselves. Reassurance in our autumn years is priceless.

 

[SpinnerBait_Nut]

Re: Family issue--question. Need advice.

Yea, what JB said.

 

[SuperNova]

Re: Family issue--question. Need advice.

Thanks to everyone, you all helped me think clearly about what I should do. My appreciation is difficult to express.
--
Stan

 

[Limited-Time]

Re: Family issue--question. Need advice.

SN, LF and JB are right on on this in my book. If you follow their advice you won't go wrong.

 

[mikeandronda]

Re: Family issue--question. Need advice.

Awesome post JB........I would give all my toys and money for my wife to be able to spend 1 more day with her dad and no amount of inheritence really matters. Dont miss a chance to enrich her life, your life and your childrens life .

 

[ANIMAL]

Re: Family issue--question. Need advice.

What JB said,,,no realy what he said. It shows he put a lot of thought into what he said and I had the fantastic experence of knowing my greatgrandmother and father on mom's side untill they were in their late 90's while I was a teen and I will always remember and respect my grandfather and mother on dads side.If I can get them to post off my 'puter I'll stick a pic up of them and grannys setting on an inline 4cyn INDIAN with a side car....gotta go...ANIMAL Couldn't do it and no photo albums any where else,,,I'll get WW2 to teach me how to do it

 

[tashasdaddy]

Re: Family issue--question. Need advice.

don't cheat your kids, of their heritage. my grandfather was gone (died at 42)before i was born, my father rarely talked about him. in my latter years all i know of my grandfather is what i have learned from my cousins. i was lucky to know both grand mothers,, but neither ever talked about the grandfathers, maternal grandfather, left granny, with 2 in diapers, to marry a 12 year old red head.

 

[OldMercsRule]

Re: Family issue--question. Need advice.

Very Good advice for all of us: JB. JR

 

[SuperNova]

Re: Family issue--question. Need advice.

Well I went down this weekend and helped her clean out the beach house where they'd lived the last 20 yeas or so. My gramps was a saver, that's for sure. I did pick up a nice 5-screw Smith K-frame .22 that he told me to make sure I get if anything ever happened to him, a few anchors, my old plastic tire swing from when I was a tyke and a few other cherished items. Had a nice visit with my grandmother that was only partially screwed by my aunt's presence. And had a beautiful night out on the Bay with my 7 yr old daughter. Not too shabby.
--
Stan

 

[Mark42]

Re: Family issue--question. Need advice.

You are visiting your Grandmother, not your mom or aunt. So keep it between you and Grandma. Make your visit plans, and make things as easy as you can on Grandma. Do things like bring prepared foods, stews, roast, salads, etc. Maybe enough to leave some frozen stew behind. Do all the laundry/sheets before you leave, vacuum the house, fix something like a loose railing, Bring and leave photos of your family. Do all the dishes, set the table, etc. It will make the visits easy on her, and she will be able to see you more often knowing there is not much prep or cleanup when you leave.

Best wishes for good trips and memories.