Is this a form of abuse?

[JB]

Re: Is this a form of abuse?

If you want peace with your daughter, SS, you must make peace with her man first.

Sounds like you two had a clash, and rather than finding a peaceful resolution and exercising a bit of Christian charity you both dug in your heels and rejected the existence of one another in the family. Sounds a lot like like control freak vs. control freak except that we know you and don't think you are a control freak.

Just what the heck was she supposed to do? HE is her primary family now so you rejected her as well.

Contact him. Invite him to sit down with you and a minister or counselor to work out a peaceful solution so you can be one family again.

There is no way you can win unless he wins, too. Your Daughter and Grandbuddy will go where he goes.

 

[QC]

Re: Is this a form of abuse?

Terrible situation for sure, but I tend to agree with JB on this one. I start this type of stuff with asking "What do I (you) really want?" I think you'd say contact with your daughter and grandaughter . . .

 

[Gabby]

Re: Is this a form of abuse?

SS, LOT'S of things running through my mind after reading this. Not sure any advice I offer would be any different than anyone elses. Re: your rights, seek an attorney's counsel. Laws are different from state to state and if your daughter isn't considered ill suited to raise the child, you may find you DON'T have legal recourse.

I will offer this bit of advice in the hopes it brings some solace. My wife (she was married before, as was I) has three boys. The eldest son started down a path in high school my wife didn't like. As a result she rode herd on him pretty hard. At 18, after graduating HS, he told her he hated her for trying to run his life, enlisted in the USAF and left. For years she only heard about him through his brother (middle son). He deployed, married, and finally at the 6th year out of the house, announced his wife was pregnant. Still no contact with his mother, for over 7 years. He had a child, a daugher. Meanwhile my wife was terribly upset over the birth of her grandaughter with no contact from the father or mother.

She finally took the high road in this story, and wrote him a long letter. She explained why she acted as she did when he was in HS and kept him from hanging out with the wrong crowd and made him stick to a curfew, etc. She explained how much she loved him and further expained that she was no longer going to kill herself worrying about a son that obviously didn't care about her or her feelings. She told him she forgave him and hoped, someday, that he would want to be involved in the rest of our lives again.

And he responded. It wasn't overnight, or easy, but it was two years ago. My wife now has a good relationship with her son, daughter in law and grandaughter. I don't know whether it was the birth of his own child, or age, or wisdom that comes with growing up, a deployment to Iraq or what. I just know that she had to make the first move, and he finally responded.

I don't know the answer to your question as there isn't a boilerplate option that fits. Bottom line, you can't control others no matter how much you would like or no matter how much their behavior hurts. I think for yours and your wifes sake, you put forth a concerted effort to resolve this situation, and only YOU TWO know what that is. Once you've done that, if she doesn't respond, you have to cut your losses and stop worrying about this until she DOES come to her senses. I believe she will one day. My wifes eldest did. My eldest is just now learning he suffers from inverted cranial rectitus and he is coming around too.

Good luck. I hope to read someday there was a happy ending to this one and NOT that you whacked the bum.