jokes pt. 1

[bassboy1]

Lets get a topic started just sharing jokes.

 

[bassboy1]

Re: jokes pt. 1

The ford trucks were named after how many times you cuss at the gas pump. F-150 F-250 F-350

 

[jtexas]

Re: jokes pt. 1

Man stepping out his front door sees a snail on the doorstep, picks it up and hurls it as far as he can.

Two years later, same man same house, doorbell rings. He opens the door, it's the same snail.

Snail says "WHAT IS UP WITH YOU!?!?!?!??"

 

[Pony]

Re: jokes pt. 1

A panda bear walks into a restaurant and orders a sandwich.
When he receives the sandwich he eats it and then shoots the waiter and leaves the restaurant.
A policeman sees the panda and tells him he just broke the law. The panda bear tells the policeman that he's innocent and, if he didn't believe him, to look in the dictionary. The policeman gets a dictionary and looks up "panda bear."
It says, ''Panda Bear: eats shoots and leaves.''

 

[QC]

Re: jokes pt. 1

Mrs. QC's favorite joke jtex. She's one of those that uses "no wait" frequently while telling jokes and she can't even get through that one . . .

 

[xtraham]

Re: jokes pt. 1

There was a long, long line of spirits at the gate waiting to get into heaven. Not all these spirits could fit into heaven, so the ones who died the worst death would be allowed in.
The first man in line started telling his story, ''Well, Peter, you see, I knew that my wife was cheating on me so I decided to come home early from work one day to catch them in action. I got home and searched all over but I couldn't find him. Then when I walked out onto the balcony, there he was dangling off the darn thing by his fingertips. So I ran and got a hammer then started beating him with it and he fell. Well, the fall didn't kill him, because he landed in a bush so I picked up the refrigerator and threw it on him. Although that killed him, the strain gave me a heart attack, and here I am.''

The next man came up and started his story. ''St. Peter, I always work out on my balcony on the 14th floor of my apartment building. I was on my bike one day and I fell off when it flipped. I sailed over the rail and I thought 'Please God spare my life' and he did. I caught on to a balcony below me. I was even happier when a man discovered me hanging there. But all of a sudden he started beating my hands with a hammer so I fell again. But the dear Lord saved me again when I landed in a bush. But I'm here now because the guy threw his refrigerator on top of me.''

It was now the third guy's turn to start his story. ''Well, Peter, just picture this. I'm hiding butt naked in this married chick's refrigerator.....'''

 

[harkawy]

Re: jokes pt. 1

EDIT: tsk, tsk.

 

[jtexas]

Re: jokes pt. 1

LOL xtraham! harkawy, I'm just glad I read it before the *zapper*

Two hobos sat on a railroad track as a train approached. One got out of the way, the other unfortunately did not.

Survivor ran over to his friend and said, "Frank! Frank! You hurt?"

 

[xtraham]

Re: jokes pt. 1

While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting and old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted,"Are there any gators around here?!"

"Naw," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!"

"Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore.

About halfway there he asked the guy,"How'd you get rid of the gators?"

"We didn't do nothin'," the beachcomber said.

"The sharks got 'em."

 

[Reel Poor]

Re: jokes pt. 1

Two South Texas farmers, Jim and Bob, are sitting at their favorite bar, drinking beer. Jim turns to Bob and says, "You know, I'm tired of going through life without an education. Tomorrow I think I'll go to the community college, and sign up for some classes."

Bob thinks it's a good idea, and the two leave.

The next day, Jim goes down to the college and meets Dean of Admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: Math, English, history, and Logic.

"Logic?" Jim says. "What's that?"

The dean says, "I'll show you. Do you own a weed whacker?"

"Yeah." "Then logically speaking, because you own a weed eater, I think that you would have a yard."

"That's true, I do have a yard."

"I'm not done," the dean says. "Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house."

"Yes, I do have a house."

"And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family."

"Yes, I have a family."

"I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then
logically you must have a wife. And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be a heterosexual."

"I am a heterosexual. That's amazing, you were able to find out all of that because I have a weed eater."

Excited to take the class now, Jim shakes the Dean's hand and leaves to go meet Bob at the bar. He tells Bob about his classes, how he is signed up for Math, English, History, and Logic.

"Logic?" Bob says, "What's that?"

Jim says, "I'll show you. Do you have a weed whacker?"

"No."

"Then you're queer."

 

[Plainsman]

Re: jokes pt. 1

That was funny RP..and BTW, I have a weed eater!

 

[jtexas]

Re: jokes pt. 1

I have two weed wackers! Big ones!

 

[bassboy1]

Re: jokes pt. 1

You got in just a few minutes before I was gonna say that.:devil:

 

[Dunaruna]

Re: jokes pt. 1

[colour=blue]A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other
monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.

He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from
the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question
this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first
copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in
all of the subsequent copies.

The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries,
but you make a good point, my son." He goes down into the dark caves
underneath the monastery
where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that
hasn't been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the
old abbot.

So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him
banging his head against the wall and wailing, "We missed the "R" ! , we
missed the "R" !"

His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. The
young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?"

With A choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word was... CELEBRATE!!!"

 

[Link]

Re: jokes pt. 1

I have two weed wackers! Big ones!

Me too!
I was starting to get worried!
Spinners little buddies still worry me though!
They aint right!

 

[stan_deezy]

Re: jokes pt. 1

My favourite of the moment is still the one about the ambulance disptacher getting this call from a hunter:

Hunter: Ma'am, me and my buddy were out duck hunting and my gun went off accidently. I think I've killed him. Help! What I should I do?

Dispatcher: "Calm down sir. First we have to check if he's actually dead"

The phone line falls silent and then the dispatcher hears two gunshots and then the hunter comes back on the line..........

Hunter "Yep, he's definitely dead now"

 

[stan_deezy]

Re: jokes pt. 1

My second favourite has to be this one..............

The seven dwarfs go to Rome and stop off to visit the Vatican. Once inside they are granted a meeting with the Pope. They each step up in turn and kneel and kiss the Pope's ring and receive the Papal blessing.............and then Dopey decides to ask a question

"Pope are there any midget nuns in Italy?"

The Pope is a little bemused, shakes his head and replies "No my son"

"Pope are there any midget nuns in France?"

Again the Pope shakes his head and replies "No my son"

The rest of the dwarves start giggling uncontrollably.

Dopey is determined to get an answer to his question..............

"Pope are there any midget nuns in the whole of Europe?"

The Pope again shakes his head and replies "No my son"

at which point the rest of the dwarves start chanting..........
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
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.
.
"Dopey made love to a Penguin!, Dopey made love to a Penguin!" 8)8)8)8)

 

[gonefishie]

Re: jokes pt. 1

Two kentuckians went to the city and they went pass a place with a sign says "Shirt 50 cents, Pants 1 dollar" They looked at each other and one said "hey, we can buy a whole bunch of those shirt and pants and take it back home, resale them and makes a bunch of money". The other one agreed but said "alright, but you stays in the car and let me goes in and do all the talking cause I can talk with a city accent and they won't jerk around with me". He went in, walked up to the counter and said to the clerk "Sir, I would like to get 50 shirts and 50 pair of pants". The clerk look at him and said "You're from Kentucky aren't you? Bewildered, he asked the clerk "well by golly how did you know that? The clerk said "Sir, because this is a cleaner"

 

[bjcsc]

Re: jokes pt. 1

So this lizard's walking though the the woods and and all of a sudden he hears reggae music coming from up in the trees. He looks up and sees a Koala bear wearing a headband and smoking a big hooter.
He hollers up "Hey man, whatcha doin' up there?"
The Koala answers "Listenin' to some tunes, munchin' on leaves, and smokin' a big hooter. Whatcha you doin' down there?"
The lizard says "Nothin'. Can I come up and get in on some of that?"
Koala replies "Yeah, man, come on up!".
So the lizard climbs up into the tree and smokes out with the Koala Bear. After awhile, the lizard's getting thirsty.
"Hey bear, I'm dyin' of thirst" he says.
"Well there's a pond right through there" the Koala says, pointing through the trees.
"Sweet!" says the lizard, "I'm going to cruise over there for a drink."
The lizard makes his way down, gets to the edge of the water and is getting ready to drink when an 4 foot alligator rolls up on him. "Whazzup gator!" he says.
"Same ol' same ol'" says the gator, "What are you up to?".
"Dude," says the lizard, "I'm dyin' of thirst. I've been smokin' a big hooter with this Koala up in a tree over there for the last hour."
"Really?!", says the gator, "Any left?"
"Yeah," the lizard replies,"cruise over there and holler up at him, I gotta get a drink!""
So the gator heads over, finds the tree, looks up and says "Hey!"
The Koala bear looks down, astonishingly, and says "Dude!..., how much water did you drink?!"

 

[JB]

Re: jokes pt. 1

Alvin was a wonderful floutist (flute player) but didn't feel appreciated.

He went out in the jungle to play. Animals started to gather around to listen and enjoy Alvin's sweet music. Elephants, kudu, lions, cheetahs and all of the jungle creatures sat side by side in wonderment.

Suddenly a leopard leapt out of the jungle, grabbed Alvin and ate him up, chomp, chomp, chomp.

All the animals were stunned at this. Finally, the lion walked over and said, "Awww, leopard. Why in the world did you do that? He was making such lovely music."

The leopard cupped his ear and said, "Huh?"

Thanks to Brother Dave Gardner.