jokes pt. 1

[bassboy1]

Re: jokes pt. 1

Two guys were hiking in the woods when guy #1 gets bitten by a snake on the butt. Guy#2 says stay here I'll go get a doctor. He tells guy#2 to cut an X over the snakebite and suck the poisen out. Guy #2 says, "but it is on his butt." The docter says he'll die otherwise. When Guy #2 gets back to his friend, guy #1said,"what did the doctor say?" Guy #2 says "He said you are gonna die

 

[eeboater]

Re: jokes pt. 1

Two hobos sat on a railroad track as a train approached. One got out of the way, the other unfortunately did not.

Survivor ran over to his friend and said, "Frank! Frank! You hurt?"

Sorry if I'm dumb.... but.... I don't get it!?:%

 

[jtexas]

Re: jokes pt. 1

Priest of a very old, very famous cathedral which was part of a convent, walking through the garden, noticed a couple Nuns sunbathing au naturel, and just couldn't help "enjoying himself", as it were. Couple weeks later he received an anonymous letter from someone claiming to have been in a helicopter flying over the cathedral taking pictures just at that moment, offering to deliver the undeveloped film still inside the camera to the priest for $500, with directions for making the exchange. The priest of course complied and the next morning the camera was on his doorstep. He put it on the mantel in his study as a reminder to keep his mind out of the gutter.

Shortly thereafter a tour group from Japan was touring the cathedral, it being a famous landmark and a regular stop for tourists. The study was an intregral part of the tour as some famous event or other had taken place there. As was his custom the Father invited the tourists in and pointed out some of the centuries-old relics. He noticed some of them looking at the camera on the mantel and remarked, "you know, that camera cost me $500."

One of the tourists nudged another and said, "somebody must have seen him coming!"

[note to ee: dude got run over by a TRAIN]

 

[eeboater]

Re: jokes pt. 1

[note to ee: dude got run over by a TRAIN]

Yup... I'm Dum -- d

 

[Bob_VT]

Re: jokes pt. 1

Will Rogers died in a tragic plane crash in 1935, yet he still ranks as one of America's greatest humorists. Here are a very few examples why:



1. Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.


2. Always drink upstream from the herd.


3. There are three kinds of men: The ones that learn by reading. The few who learn by observation, The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence and find out for themselves.


4. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.


5. If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.


6. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back in your pocket.


7. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.


8. Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today it's called golf.


9. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier'n puttin' it back.


10. After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him.


The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.

 

[JB]

Re: jokes pt. 1

Timeless wisdom.

 

[stan_deezy]

Re: jokes pt. 1

Then there was the bored frog who kept going to the library until one day, after several years, he just flicked through the books and said

reddit, reddit, reddit, reddit, reddit, reddit


Okay, I'm getting my coat :$

 

[imported_John o]

Re: jokes pt. 1

(for proper enjoyment of this joke please read all quotes in a Scottish accent)

A long time ago, when pirates ran rampant in the Caribbean, there was a old Scottish Captain who plied those waters.

Well one day the captain was in his cabin when the first mate came knocking on his door "Captain, Captain, there's a pirate vessel off the port bow"

"Aye laddy, bring me me red shirt"

So the captain donned his red shirt and went up to fight off the pirates.

The next day the first mate was back...

"Captain, Captain, there's TWO pirate vessels off the port bow"

"Aye laddy, bring me me red shirt"

So the captain went up and again they defeated the pirates.

After the battle the first mate approached the captain "Captain I have a question"

"Aye laddy"

"How come every time we go into battle you call for your red shirt?"

"Well laddy, if the crew sees that I'm hurt they'll lose heart and may stop fighting, But if I go through the fight without getting hurt they will fight like men possessed following their captain. So I wear me red shirt so the crew won't see any blood if I get hit or cut."

"Aye captain that's brilliant!"

Several weeks pass and the first mate is again at his captain's door "Captain!, Captain!, There's TWENTY TWO pirate vessels off the port bow!"

The captain sighed deeply and said :Aye laddy, Bring me me brown britches"

 

[ricksrster]

Re: jokes pt. 1

A frog went to a bank to apply for a loan. He hopped over to a teller and asked her where he should go for the application. The teller pointed him in the direction of the loan officer, Miss Padiwack. The frog hopped over to Miss Padiwack and introduced himself. He filled out the application for a loan. Miss Padiwack asked the frog what he had for collaterol so he pulled out this little ceramic thing and showed it to her. She replied, " What is this? you can't use this". The bank president was walking by and overheard the conversarion. He asked, "Miss padiwack," What's the problem?" She said the frog showed her this little ceramic thing to cover the loan and she didn't even know what is was. The bank president told her, " Why, that's a nicknack Paddiwack, give the frog a loan".