Jotd

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nwcove

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Re: Jotd

a very shy young man, going on his very first date, walks into a drugstore and puts a pack of condoms on the counter. the clerk says " that will be $4.99 +tax". the shy young mans face turns bright red , and he wispers to the clerk " tacks???....i thought they stayed on by themselves???!!"
 

FlaCowboy

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Re: Jotd

Husband down in Aisle 5





A husband and wife are shopping in their local supermarket.

The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife.

"They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans" he replies.

"Put them back, we can't afford them" demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband.

"It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: "So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price."

That's him on Aisle 5 - he never knew what hit him...
 

Tim Frank

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Re: Jotd

Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.
When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to enjoy his fortune.
One evening at an investment meeting he was introduced to the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty absolutely took his breath away!
Smitten with her beauty, handing her his business card he said, "I may look like just an ordinary man, but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."
The gorgeous woman was Impressed and took his business card. Three days later, she became his stepmother.

Lesson: Women are so much better at estate planning than men :D
 

mommicked

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Re: Jotd

Great stuff you guys.....I hope Sasto enjoys them as much as I do.

here's another........Two "good ol boys" are ridin down a country road, headin to a fishin hole one summer afternoon. They pass an old truck parked on the shoulder w a big piece of plywood leaned against it and crudely paint brushed sign " BBQ Chickin breasts and beer $5 ------> ", pointing down a long dirt path. As they go by one guy tells the other " OH BOY....my three favorite things!!!! " :D
 

Jeep Man

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Re: Jotd

My fellow Canucks will like this.
Did you hear about the guy who had the map of Canada tatooed on this butt. Every time he sat down, Quebec separated.
 

Tyme2fish

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Re: Jotd

Y'all are cracking me up. Good stuff.

I too had to look up JOTD and am also glad it's the first meaning and not the second!!:eek:
 
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bruceb58

Supreme Mariner
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Re: Jotd

"If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up" said the sarcastic teacher. After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet.

"Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?" inquired the teacher with a sneer.

"Well, actually I don't," said the student, "but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself."
 

Tyme2fish

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Feb 19, 2002
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2,481
Re: Jotd

Do you remember the famous Olympic skier Picabo Street (pronounced Pee-Ka-Boo).

Well, Picabo is not just an athlete.

She is now a nurse currently working at an Intensive Care Unit of a large metropolitan hospital.


She is not permitted to answer the hospital telephones any longer.


It caused too much confusion when she would answer the phone and say,


Picabo, I.C.U.
 

southkogs

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Re: Jotd

A Minnesota couple decided to vacation to Florida during the winter. They planned to stay at the very same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday. His wife would fly down the following day.

The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her e-mail address, and without realizing his error, he sent the e-mail.

Meanwhile.....somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister of many years who was called home to glory following a sudden heart attack. The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she fainted.

The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: 26 September 2012
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is not as uneventful as mine was.
P.S. Sure is hot down here!
 

NewfieDan

Petty Officer 1st Class
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May 8, 2011
Messages
383
Re: Jotd

The shortest fairy tale ever....

Once upon a a time a man fell in love with a beautiful woman. He asked her to marry him. She said "NO". So the man went golfing and hunting and boating and fishing whenever he wanted.


And lived happily ever after.

The end.


EDIT
Hope you enjoyed them, no offence intended.
 
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FlaCowboy

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Messages
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Re: Jotd

The last mentioned was the fake, characterized by phrases such as, "Oh Sasto, Oh Sasto...."


Hope you enjoyed them, no offence intended.



LMAO...Shame on you Dan :D :p

I am gonna push it on this one.... No offense to anyone :facepalm:

I was sitting at a stoplight yesterday, minding my own business, patiently waiting for it to turn green. A carload of loud young Muslims, shouting anti-American slogans, with a half-burned American flag duct-taped on the trunk of their car and a "Remember 9-11" slogan spray painted on the side, was stopped next to me.

Suddenly they yelled, "Praise Allah" and took off before the light changed. Out of nowhere an 18-wheeler came speeding through the intersection and ran directly over their car, crushing it completely and killing everyone in it.
For several minutes I sat in my car thinking to myself, "Oh Man, that could have been me!"

So today, bright and early, I went out and got a job as a truck driver. :D :p
 

sasto

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3,918
Re: Jotd

.

The last mentioned was the fake, characterized by phrases such as, "Oh Sasto, Oh Sasto...."





Hope you enjoyed them, no offence intended.

I don't get it.....I hear that all the time! ;)
 

generator12

Senior Chief Petty Officer
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Jul 9, 2010
Messages
666
Re: Jotd

Guy walking the beach finds a bottle, pops the cork, and out jumps a genie. "I can grant you three wishes, but understand that whatever you wish for, your ex-wife will get the same thing double".

"Fine", the guy says, "I want a Rolls Royce in my garage". "Okay", says the genie, "You got it! And your ex now has two!"

"Okay, now give me a bank account with ten million dollars in it!" "You now have it, and your ex has one with twenty. And your third wish?"

"Yeah", says the guy, "For my third wish. I want you to beat me half to death!"
 

eicon

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Sep 16, 2012
Messages
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Re: Jotd

Here is mine :)
Fishing License Story
A Wisconsin man was stopped by a Game Warden in northern Wisconsin recently with two ice chests full of live fish in water, leaving a river well known for it's fishing.

The game warden asked the man,
"Do you have a license to catch those fish?"

"Nah, my friend, I ain't got no license. These here are my pet fish."

"Pet fish?"

"Yep. Every night I take these fish down to the river and let 'em swim around for awhile.
Then I whistle and they jump back into this ice chest and I take 'em home."

"That's a bunch of BS. Fish can't do that!"

The man looked at the game warden for a moment and said,
"It's the truth. I'll show you. It really works."

"Okay, I've GOT to see this."

The man poured the fish back into the river and waited. After several minutes the warden turned to the man and said,
"Well?"

"Well what?"

"When are you going to call them back?"

"Call who back?"

"The FISH!"

"What fish?"

We in Wisconsin may not be as smart as some, but we're not at dumb as most."
 

southkogs

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Re: Jotd

Ages ago on a lonely desert island, a cast-away from a shipwreck ran across a bottle. Trying to clean the bottle, he rubbed it vigorously and out popped a genie. The genie in the classic way offered his liberator a granted wish in gratitude for his release.

The elder cast-away quickly stated, "dear genie, if you please, I wish for a bridge upon which I can make my way back home to America."

The genie replied, "No. This I cannot do. The ocean is too deep. The waves are too strong. It is thousands of miles to your home and the bridge is too impossible a wonder to produce. You may wish for something else."

The old man thought for a moment, and then resigned himself. "In that case mighty genie, I shall live out my days content here. I wish that you would wipe out the national debt of the United States so my children and grandchildren may live in prosperity after I'm gone."

The genie turned to the man and asked, "... did you want that bridge 2 lanes or 4?"
 

Tim Frank

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5,346
Re: Jotd

Why we Shoot Deer in the Wild
(A letter from someone who wants to remain anonymous, who farms, writes well and actually tried this)

I had this idea that I could rope a deer, put it in a stall, feed it up on corn for a couple of weeks, then kill it and eat it. The first step in this adventure was getting a deer. I figured that, since they congregate at my cattle feeder and do not seem to have much fear of me when we are there (a bold one will sometimes come right up and sniff at the bags of feed while I am in the back of the truck not 4 feet away), it should not be difficult to rope one, get up to it and toss a bag over its head (to calm it down) then hog tie it and transport it home.

I filled the cattle feeder then hid down at the end with my rope. The cattle, having seen the roping thing before, stayed well back. They were not having any of it. After about 20 minutes, my deer showed up-- 3 of them. I picked out a likely looking one, stepped out from the end of the feeder, and threw my rope. The deer just stood there and stared at me. I wrapped the rope around my waist and twisted the end so I would have a good hold..

The deer still just stood and stared at me, but you could tell it was mildly concerned about the whole rope situation. I took a step towards it, it took a step away. I put a little tension on the rope .., and then received an education.. The first thing that I learned is that, while a deer may just stand there looking at you funny while you rope it, they are spurred to action when you start pulling on that rope.

That deer exploded. The second thing I learned is that pound for pound, a deer is a lot stronger than a cow or a colt. A cow or a colt in that weight range I could fight down with a rope and with some dignity. A deer-- no Chance. That thing ran and bucked and twisted and pulled. There was no controlling it and certainly no getting close to it. As it jerked me off my feet and started dragging me across the ground, it occurred to me that having a deer on a rope was not nearly as good an idea as I had originally imagined.. The only upside is that they do not have as much stamina as many other animals.

A brief 10 minutes later, it was tired and not nearly as quick to jerk me off my feet and drag me when I managed to get up. It took me a few minutes to realize this, since I was mostly blinded by the blood flowing out of the big gash in my head. At that point, I had lost my taste for corn-fed venison. I just wanted to get that devil creature off the end of that rope.

I figured if I just let it go with the rope hanging around its neck, it would likely die slow and painfully somewhere. At the time, there was no love at all between me and that deer. At that moment, I hated the thing, and I would venture a guess that the feeling was mutual. Despite the gash in my head and the several large knots where I had cleverly arrested the deer's momentum by bracing my head against various large rocks as it dragged me across the ground, I could still think clearly enough to recognize that there was a small chance that I shared some tiny amount of responsibility for the situation we were in. I didn't want the deer to have to suffer a slow death, so I managed to get it lined back up in between my truck and the feeder - a little trap I had set before hand...kind of like a squeeze chute. I got it to back in there and I started moving up so I could get my rope back.

Did you know that deer bite?

They do! I never in a million years would have thought that a deer would bite somebody, so I was very surprised when ..... I reached up there to grab that rope and the deer grabbed hold of my wrist. Now, when a deer bites you, it is not like being bit by a horse where they just bite you and slide off to then let go. A deer bites you and shakes its head--almost like a pit bull. They bite HARD and it hurts.

The proper thing to do when a deer bites you is probably to freeze and draw back slowly. I tried screaming and shaking instead. My method was ineffective.

It seems like the deer was biting and shaking for several minutes, but it was likely only several seconds. I, being smarter than a deer (though you may be questioning that claim by now), tricked it. While I kept it busy tearing the tendons out of my right arm, I reached up with my left hand and pulled that rope loose.

That was when I got my final lesson in deer behavior for the day.

Deer will strike at you with their front feet. They rear right up on their back feet and strike right about head and shoulder level, and their hooves are surprisingly sharp... I learned a long time ago that, when an animal -like a horse --strikes at you with their hooves and you can't get away easily, the best thing to do is try to make a loud noise and make an aggressive move towards the animal. This will usually cause them to back down a bit so you can escape.

This was not a horse. This was a deer, so obviously, such trickery would not work. In the course of a millisecond, I devised a different strategy. I screamed like a woman and tried to turn and run. The reason I had always been told NOT to try to turn and run from a horse that paws at you is that there is a good chance that it will hit you in the back of the head. Deer may not be so different from horses after all, besides being twice as strong and 3 times as evil, because the second I turned to run, it hit me right in the back of the head and knocked me down.

Now, when a deer paws at you and knocks you down, it does not immediately leave. I suspect it does not recognize that the danger has passed.. What they do instead is paw your back and jump up and down on you while you are laying there crying like a little girl and covering your head.

I finally managed to crawl under the truck and the deer went away. So now I know why when people go deer hunting they bring a rifle with a scope......to sort of even the odds!!

All these events are true... An Educated Farmer

''Life's tough, pilgrim, and it's even tougher if you're stupid.''-- John Wayne
 

Tim Frank

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Re: Jotd

The Secret Fishing Hole

A couple of young fellers were fishing at their special pond off the beaten track when out of the bushes jumped the Game Warden.

Immediately, one of the boys threw his rod down and started running through the woods like a bat out of hell, and hot on his heels came the Game Warden.

After about a half mile the fella stopped and stooped over with his hands on his thighs to catch his breath and the Game Warden finally caught up to him.

"Let's see yer fishin' license, Boy!!" the Warden gasped as he grabbed him by the collar.

With that, the fella pulled out his wallet and gave the Game Warden a valid fishing license.

"Well, son," said the Game Warden, "you must be about as dumb as a box of rocks! You don't have to run from me if you have a valid license!"

"No, sir," replied the young feller. "But my friend back there, well, he don't have one."
 
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