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[ezbtr]

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[crab bait]

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can't live with 'em ...can't shoot 'em..<br /><br />but you can shoot the computer..!!

 

[SpinnerBait_Nut]

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ez, I'm sure you will get some sound advise, but I will throw my .02 worth in here.<br /><br />The strongest part of any marriage IMOP, is trust.<br />If you cannot trust one another, it will never work.<br />There will always be doubt.<br /><br />I am taking from your statements that she has lied to you about the e-mails, so whats to keep her from lying about everything else?<br /><br />I am not one for seeing marriages break up, but if you are not 100% sure she has ended it then beware.<br /><br />After reading all the e-mails, ask her some stuff that only her and her "friend" would know.<br />Maybe you can get her to come clean with doing that if she knows you know something.<br /><br />If you can get through this first part, you might want to consider some type of counseling to help you and her.<br /><br />Good luck however it turns out.<br /><br />P.S. Just wanted to add, that a fantasy affair is a lot different than a physical one, and as you have mentioned lunch dates, it might just be more than just e-mails.

 

[SCO]

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Car deal would be way out of the question I think. I dont think I'm qualified to offer any advice other than to keep your cool, and think about all long term ramifications of your actions. Good luck

 

[dmessy]

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Dang you caught us Sounds like an issue of trust...possibly some consoling may help. Hope ya'll can work it out...

 

[ebbtide176]

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geez, i heard this same story about 1.5mos ago from one of my best friends, who i've known for 30yrs. they're still together but its rocky...<br /><br />maybe ross & jb & beaux will catch this too, and comment. i'm no expert, but i think you should do like was said, bring up details like 'did you enjoy talking about his trip to wherever' or something that lets her know you know. a woman would probably throw the letters in your face. <br /><br />i agree with what you thought of the car or seeing the guy - i would not want to hear or see him, or hear any details from wife, other than what the status of relationship is, and how she wants to deal with family (you & kids).<br /><br />i think YOU have to decide how much you love her and if you can treat her fairly/forgive her if she wants to stay married. i'm sure you will never forget it, but you can get through it.<br /><br />she will need to be called to face it, and decide how important is this other person, and whether she wants to stay married. and how much does she love you. <br /><br />she may fly off the handle and try to deny it meant anything, and/or try to put the blame on you. you should be calm (as long as you don't have to deal with the guy), and realize you might be at a turning point in life. <br /><br />i think people can stay together just from the bond of time, without as much love & passion of early yrs, but others cannot do it. and some can deal with the work of building trust again, others can't. everyone probably knows people who stay together that seem to hate each other, and i guess its because they cannot break the bond, being part of each other for so many years. <br /><br />i think you need to do some matter-of-fact face-to-face talking, and maybe set a timeframe to discuss how much you mean to each other, and what you are going to do with this hurt you feel. <br /><br />>thats just the best i can offer, as a regular guy< good luck, heartaches tonight... <br /><br />i didn't mention much about what if she hasn't done anything with this other guy... it sounds like you're convinced, so maybe you have other reasons. <br />maybe if nothing did happen, at least she should avoid the guy altogether, just to ease your concern. it seems that no matter what happened, you're needing some proof from your wife.<br /> <br />i think it would really help to go to counseling. it helped my friend. i think lots of couples go to counseling sometime in their marriage. i also have another buddy of 36yrs who separated, the woman had a relationship with another guy, and they got back together and have been together for 5-6yrs since. (all these people i've mentioned, even the one who had the fling with separated wife, and the woman went to high school with me)

 

[Ross J]

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Hi, Ho Ezbtr.<br />Obviously we may know you by another name but we do appreciate the need to remain private as well. I feel you may already know the answer to your question before any of us put digit to keyboard.<br /><br />Your wife or this bloke appear to have already moved the relationship up a notch from e-mail contact to some further contact. This is born out in the comments that says she's not in contact with him yet you've found some further e-mails from them both.<br /><br />The car sale could be construed as two things.<br />1st - Is this a legitimate sale or just a guise for them to contact in your neighbourhod. You state this bloke doesn't like his wife so why would he want to buy your car knowing he'd have to meet you both. Is he checking you out.<br />2nd - Sell the car to him and watch as he tries to make arrangements to return on numerous occasions with repairs to do etc. Are you with me?<br /><br />I would imagine your wife is in telephone contact with this bloke and that is how you'll find out how she feels about your relationship. Have a frank discussion with her, tell her you've found the e-mails from them both and bring up the content in general terms (just to prove you'd actually found them - she won't initially believe you). Then go out for a drive fo an hour. Just before you go out place a longish tape into the cassette recorder of the stereo, push record and leave. When you return there'll sure as heck be an interesting telephone conversation for you to listen to.<br />I'm sorry to be brutal mate but I feel from your writing that the relationship is one sided and that you've left the repairs a bit late.<br />Have you a good supportive friend you can discuss this with. You'll need support if things go the way I suspect they will. You may well be in for a tough ride either way, but be strong and above all be fair minded. Your wife may not have intended anything to go this way when they began. The internet became the close contact she felt she wasn't getting from the relationship at home. <br /><br />Lastly, should there be anything going on then it's not likely she'll admit to it unless there's irrefutable proof. She's got security and stability with you even though she's looking elsewhere. That is a safety net she'll not want to give up until she's able to settle elsewhere for good. There's a thing we call, "Negative feedback is better than no feedback at all". It encompasses the fact that when a relationship looses the trust, friendship and/or love (positive feedback) then the negative feedback becomes the anchor thats held onto. This is a two way street and you may well be in the same situation without knowing it.<br />I feel for you and wish you hope and support in your quest for the truth. I don't know if these words are helpful or hurtful, but I "shoot from the hip" and thats my style.<br />Ross

 

[Skinnywater]

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If you truely want to save your marriage, you are going to have a cool head here. The other guy is very irrelevant here. He's just a jerk your wife has a relationship with. And it is without doubt, an improper extra-marrital affair.<br />However, you've stated your marriage has been on shakey ground for a while. So part of the blame lies with you also.<br />With all coolness and reason this issue has to be reckoned with. Someone is going to have to come clean and priorities will have to be reestablished. Counseling is strongly recommended.<br /><br />Her biggest mistake is violating a trust that will be hard for you forget. That will be her cost in violating it. <br />Will she commit to you while not being trusted? Only if she loves you. <br />This will put a responsibility on you. <br />To act and conduct yourself as that person she fell in love with.<br />Before you get on with the painful process of confronting her (remember coolness and reason, be in control of yourself at all times) send the kids to Grandmas. <br />The issue of the car being sold to "Keyboard Jody"<br />is a simple one. Her and you aren't to have ANY further contact with him at all.<br /><br />However way this goes, this is going to be tough.<br />Good luck to you both.

 

[SS MAYFLOAT]

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ezbtr.<br /><br />I have some experience in this area since I have had 3 marriages prior to the one I am in now. Those 3 were due to some ignorant butthole that has NO RESPECT for a fellow man and his children.<br /><br />Once I found out more on these guys pretending to be a man, they have problems more than you can imagine. They don't want to admitt to their problems that they generated in relationships, so they just move on to another without regards to who they are hurting or destroying. Thy just lie to get what they want.<br /><br />It sounds like your spouse has strayed due to the bait this lowlife is casting out to your wife. Keep in mind with this internet guy, he may even have other women that he is doing the same thing to. <br /><br />As for the car, sell it to someone else.<br /><br />One friend of mine that was in this position, generated a new e-mail address and started sending e-mails to his own wife. He eventually lured her away from the other guy by just knowing what she wants and loves. The time came for them to make a secret meeting at a motel. Luck has it that she was shocked to the degree her husband went through to regain her trust and love.<br /><br />They made an agreement that the internet would be removed from their house.<br /><br />I personnaly would NOT confront her on the e-mails, but would copy them and then replace them. Sometimes it is good to have something held over their head that they don't know about. Would be good for defense if needed. Sometimes you have to keep your secrets to yourself and take them to the grave.<br /><br />Good luck on your sticky situation..........SS

 

[miloman]

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I feel for you bud. I think that you should be upfront and tell her the truth. In a non confrontational manner, I think that you 2 should deciede if you want to work it out and if so should see a councellor. You need to work the issues out, just sitting and talking will most likly will lead to an argument. my 2 cents

 

[mellowyellow]

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my only advice is honesty is the best policy!<br />get all the cards on the table and don't hold<br />anything back. gonna have to start at zero and<br />work from there forward.<br />good luck,<br />M.Y.

 

[GF]

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Ezbtr, Sorry to hear about your situation.

 

[SCO]

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Problem with putting it on the table, is that there is still plausible deniability, so you cant start from scratch till you know that all cards are on the table. I'd get the goods prior to the soul session. On more thought, if you get the goods, you'll force yourself into hell. Ive changed to MY and Milo's way of thinking. Tell what you know, and just don't buy the deniability, cause theres no trust basis, dont believe or not believe, just build from there. Be your own man, kind but quietly skeptical to avoid being a fool, and maintain your dignity. The catch 22, you have to be ready to walk, but can't use it as a weapon or threat or even let on about it. She would have to deduce that from your quiet cool and confidence. Time to start being the man you want to be for yourself, not her. If you start taking equal blame or punnishing her, you're toast. I knew I shouldn't have gotten into this. Worth less than my usual 2 cents.

 

[SCO]

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[plywoody]

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I agree with those that suggest counselling. The other bloke is simply a symptom for what the real problem is. He is not the cause of it.<br />It's tough to hold a marriage together even in the best of circumstances. For counselling to work, you both have to want it to work, and sorry to say, you can make that decision for yourself only--she also has to make the same decision, and you cannot control that.<br />But getting the "goods" on her and confronting her in order to place blame is not a productive activity. Have a frank talk and get into counselling, and go from there, but know in advance that you can only control your side of it.<br />And be sure to stay in control, and do nothing foolish. buy a new garbage can and kick it if you need to vent. No matter what happens, time will heal it eventually.

 

[SCO]

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BTW Plywoody, I edited my post prior to seeing yours, for the record. Also, you wouldnt get the goods "in order to place blame". You would get the goods to find out what the truth was. I edited this line so that JB wouldn't strike the whole post.

 

[plywoody]

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Hey, SCO, it is a tough deal all around. I doubt if there is a perfect way to handle it. My only point is that decisions have to be made by both sides, and you can only make decisions for one of those sides, so pretty much no matter what you do, it may not turn out the way you would like.<br />I know from first hand experience that it can get pretty frustrating, and a person can be sorely tempted to do something he may regret later.<br /><br />It is what I told my neighbors in Ontario asked why I didn't have a wife. I told them my golden retriever was far better than a wife, as she never complained of the wind and the cold when fishing, but if she ever got too far out of control, I could just shoot her without getting in too much trouble.

 

[Hooty]

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Years ago , when I was in the Army, one of my best friends was presented with a simular situation. He confronted his wife and the other guy together. The guy broke and ran and my bud's wife realized what a chicken***t the other guy was. She started telling him how sorry she was and it would never happen again etc. He told her to "kiss his a**", got a divorce and let her have the kids. That was thirty something years ago and if you ask my bud today, he'll tell you it was "the best move he ever made". He's been married to the same now woman for over twenty five years with several more children. The kids from the first marriage have very little to do with their mother and she's still a pathetic barnacle.<br /><br />My advice, sell him the car but explain that the wife goes with it. <br /><br />Oh, and be sure his wife knows why they have a new car and another woman. You'll feel better about yourself.<br /><br />c/6<br /><br />Hooty

 

[Scoop]

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exbtr, I suggest getting everything on the table and telling her how you feel. She has to understand about the trust and make her decision. Bring up the lies. If she lies again, be done with her because you can never have a relationship with someone you can't trust. <br /><br />Professional counseling It only works when each person wants to make it better, but it does work. <br /><br />I do want to say I really feel bad for you. I can only imagine. One time years back, I was at a wedding with my wife. Her old friend showed up having just gotten a divorce. I knew that was a test of our relationship. I let them walk off together so they could talk. It was the hardest thing that I ever did. I gave her the choice without even saying anything. She did not stray and told me years later, the guy begged her to sleep with him even though I was there. I have to admit, It is a good thing she waited to tell me about him wanting her to sleep with him or I would have pushed him out of the car when we gave him a ride to the airport.<br /><br />My point here is if this is just a fantasy thing, fine. It is time for her to make the choice. Does she want to continue the relationship with you, not see the other guy again and commit to counselling. If she doesn't agree to all of that, then I am sorry. By the way, I would only sell the car to the guy if it was going to break down in the next block. I probably would also confront him and ask him what he thought he was doing with your wife.<br /><br />Good luck.

 

[miloman]

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I have been reading this post one question ezbtr do you want to continue and try to make it work. I have always said that in most cases it is neglect that leads to anothers arms. My wife and I say Its better to be alone and happy then with someone and misrable and shes still with me. My ex was a different situation and the day it was over was one of the greatest days of my life sometimes its better to move on and fine happiness then stick it out. If both parties have a deep seated emotions for each other then with a counceller you should examine what went wrong and try to fix it. Regardless I still suggest that you try to do it. I think that within 4 visits you both will ahve a very clear understanding of the path in front of you.