Post Your Jokes Here

[RGrew176]

The CEO of a major corporation asked his press officer to write a twenty-minute speech for the shareholders meeting. Upon his return from the meeting he is furious at the press officer.

?Are you trying to kill my career?? the executive barks. I asked for a twenty-minute speech and you give me an hour-long speech. People were standing up and walking out.?

?No,? says the press officer, ?I gave you exactly what you requested?. a twenty-minute speech and two extra copies.?

 

[RGrew176]

A passenger was having difficulty lugging his oversized travel bag onto the plain. Helped by a flight attendant, he finally managed to stuff it in the overhead bin.

?Do you always carry such heavy luggage? She asked, winded.

?Never again!? the man said. ?Next time, I?m riding in the bag, and my friend can buy the ticket!"

 

[TruckDrivingFool]

Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said "Friend chicken." She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right because everyone else laughed. My parents always told me to tell the truth, so I did, but my teacher sent me to the principal's office for it. I told the principal what happened, he laughed, but then told me not to do that again.

The next day, my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, and I told her "Because you can make it into a friend chicken." She sent me to the principal's office again. He laughed, but told me not to do that again.

I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like when I am. I decided to follow what my parents taught me because they always tell me all they want for me is to become a good man, and a good man never lies. Today, my teacher asked me what famous person I admired the most. I said "Colonel Sanders"... guess where I am now.

 

[RGrew176]

A famous doctor was being interviewed by the news media. Looking to spice things up a little, one reporter asked if the doctor had ever made any serious mistakes.

?Well, yes,? the doctor sighed. ?I once cured a multimillionaire.?

?How was that a mistake? The reporter asked.

The doctor shook his head wearily. ?I did it in one visit!?

 

[Grub54891]

A tree hugger asked me what I felt when I shoot an animal. I said recoil.....

 

[RGrew176]

For a couple years I 've been blaming it on lack of sleep and too much pressure from my job, but now I found out the real reason: I'm tired because I'm overworked.

The population of this country is 237 million. 104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work. There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work. Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government, leaving 19 million to do the work. 2.8 million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 16.2 million to do the work. Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Governments and that leaves 1.4 million to do the work. At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving 1,212,000 to do the work. Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.

That leaves just two people to do the work. You and me. And you're sitting at your computer reading jokes.

 

[RGrew176]

" Doctor, I get this overpowering urge to sing 'Delilah'. Then I get this urge to sing 'The Green Green Grass of Home"

" Hmmm, you are suffering from Tom Jones syndrome."

" I've never heard of that doctor. Is it a rare complaint?"

"It's not unusual"

 

[RGrew176]

An Illinois man left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day.

When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick email. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her email address, he did his best to type it in from memory.

Unfortunately, he missed one letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her email, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream and fell to the floor in a dead faint. At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:

DEAREST WIFE: JUST GOT CHECKED IN. EVERYTHING PREPARED FOR YOUR ARRIVAL TOMORROW.
P.S. SURE IS HOT DOWN HERE.

 

[RGrew176]

A new business is open and one of the owner?s friends wants to send him flowers for the occasion. They arrive at the business site and the owner reads the card: ?Rest in Peace.?

Understandably the owner is angry and calls the florist to complain. After he tells the florist the obvious mistake and how angry he is, the florist replies, ?Sir, I?m really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry, you should imagine this. Somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a card saying, ?Congratulations on your new location.??

 

[aspeck]

A newly promoted colonel had moved into a makeshift office during the Gulf War. He was just getting unpacked when out of the corner of his eye, he noticed a private with a toolbox coming his way.

Wanting to seem important, the colonel grabbed the phone as the private stepped into the tent. "Yes, General Schwarzkopf, I think that's an excellent plan." He continued, "General, you've got my support on it. Thanks for checking with me. Let's touch base again soon, Norm. Goodbye."

"And what are you here for private?" the colonel asked.

"Well sir, came a rather sheepish reply I was sent here to hook up your phone."

 

[RGrew176]

A man was pulled over for speeding down the highway; the officer came to the driver?s window and asked, "Sir, may I see your driver?s license and registration?"

The man said, "Well officer I don't have a license, it was taken away for a DUI."

The officer, in surprise, said," What, do you have a registration for the vehicle?"

So the man replied, "No sir, the car is not mine I stole it, but I am pretty sure I saw a registration card in the glove box when I put the gun in it."

The officer stepped back, "There is a gun in the glove box?!?"

The man sighed and said, "Yes sir, I used it to kill the woman who owns the car before I stuffed her in the trunk."

The officer steps toward the back of the car and says," Sir do not move, I am calling for backup." The officer calls for backup and about ten minutes another highway patrolman arrives. He walks up to the window slowly and asks the man for his driver?s license and registration.

The man said," Yes officer here it's right here." It all checked out so the officer said," Is there a gun in the glove box sir?"

The man laughs and says," No officer why would there be a gun in the glove box." He opened the glove box and showed him that there was no gun.

The second officer asked him to open the trunk because he had reason to believe that there was a body in it. The man agrees and opens the trunk, no dead body.

The second officer says, "Sir I do not understand, the officer that pulled you over said that you did not have a license, the car was stolen, there was a gun in the glove box, and a dead body in the trunk."

The man looks the officer in the eyes and says, "Yeah and I'll bet he said I was speeding too."

 

[RGrew176]

It was the end of the school year, and a kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils. The florist's son handed her a gift. She shook it, held it overhead, and said, "I bet I know what it is. Flowers." "That's right," the boy said, but how did you know "Oh, just a wild guess," she said.

The next pupil was the sweet shop owner's daughter. The teacher held her gift overhead, shook it, and said, "I bet I can guess what it is. A box of sweets." "That's right, but how did you know?" asked the girl. "Oh, just a wild guess," said the teacher.

The next gift was from the son of the liquor storeowner. The teacher held the package overhead, but it was leaking. She touched a drop off the leakage with her finger and put it to her tongue. "Is it wine?" she asked. "No," the boy replied, with some excitement. The teacher repeated the process, tasting a larger drop of the leakage. "Is it champagne?" she asked. "No," the boy replied, with more excitement. The teacher took one more big taste before declaring, "I give up, what is it?" With great glee, the boy replied, "It's a puppy!" SURPRISE!

 

[gm280]

Good one RGrew I like it... ound:

 

[RGrew176]

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the other end. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"

To which she responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!"

By now, the entire bar is staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."

To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200!"

 

[generator12]

Three old fellows are standing in front of the casket of their friend.

One says, "You know, when it's me in there I want people to look at me and say, 'He was a great family man. He cared for his family more than anything and would do anything for them.'".

The second says, "When it's me I want people to say, 'He was a leader. People listened when he talked. People admired him and wanted to be around him.'".

The third old guy says, "When I'm in there I want people to look at me and say, 'Look! He's moving!'".

 

[RGrew176]

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a man below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 42 degrees north latitude and between 58 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.

"I am," replied the man, "but how did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost."

The man below responded, "You must be a manager."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "how did you know?"

"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are exactly in the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."

 

[gm280]

I think I heard that one, but with a little different take on it. But my version was spot on as well... :smile:

 

[Volphin]

A dejected recently divorced man was strolling along a beach and happened upon a bottle. He uncorked it and a genie popped out. "In gratitude I will grant you 3 wishes sir, but I see you are recently divorced. To be fair, your ex wife will get double of whatever you wish for".

The man pondered a bit.

"I wish I had 2 tons of gold," he said, and it was made so. His ex wife received 4 tons.

"I wish I had an island home," he said, and it was made so. His ex wife received 2 island homes.

"One wish left," said the genie.






The man thought long and hard.





Finally he looked across the beach and spotted a large piece of driftwood.







"Genie, for my last wish, I would like you to pick up that driftwood and beat me half to death."

 

[RGrew176]

I think I heard that one, but with a little different take on it. But my version was spot on as well... :smile:

Well, there is a version with a political bend that probably would not be allowed here therefore the non political version will have to suffice.

 

[RGrew176]

Before going to Europe on business, a man drives his Rolls-Royce to a downtown New York City bank and asks for an immediate loan of $5,000.

The loan officer, taken aback, requests collateral. "Well then, here are the keys to my Rolls-Royce," the man says. The loan officer promptly has the car driven into the bank's underground parking for safe keeping and gives the man the $5,000.

Two weeks later, the man walks through the bank's doors and asks to settle up his loan and get his car back. "That will be $5,000 in principal, and $15.40 in interest," the loan officer says.

The man writes out a check and starts to walk away. "Wait, sir," the loan officer says. "You are a millionaire. Why in the world would you need to borrow $5,000?"

The man smiles, "Where else could I find a safer place to park my Rolls-Royce in Manhattan for two weeks and pay only $15.40?"