Post Your Jokes Here

[RGrew176]

Her minister told an eighty-year-old woman that, at her age, she should be giving some thought to what he called ?the hereafter.? She said to him, ?I think about it many times a day.?

?Oh, really?? said the minister. ?That is very wise.?

?It?s not a matter of wisdom,? she replied. ?It?s when I open a drawer or a closet, I ask myself, ?What am I here after???

 

[RGrew176]

There were 2 men at a bar, the first man said to the other one, "I know a bridge where you can jump off and return safely."

The other man who was shocked asked the man to show it to him. After they finished their drinks the second man asked him to demonstrate, so the first man jumped off the bridge and flew back.

The second man dumbfounded decided why not give it a try. He jumped off and died.

When the first man went back to the bar the bartender said, "Superman you are so cruel when you are drunk!"

 

[RGrew176]

A boy always asks for 50 cents from his mother. So his mother questioned the boy on why he kept asking for 50 cents.

The boy replied that his friend told him that if you eat 50 cents worth of peanuts a day you would become smarter.

Quickly his mother gave him $5.

The boy asks ?Why $5?, and the mother replied, ?Buy 50 cents of peanut for yourself and buy peanuts for your father with the balance.?

 

[RGrew176]

Two classmates were chatting in their lunch break...

"I know how to get money real quick" says one,? how?"
"go to your dad and say, "I know the truth" and he'll give you money"

So the young boy went home and said "dad, I know the truth" and
his dad gave him ten dollars and told him not to tell anyone 'the truth'.

He then went to his mother, "Mom, I know the truth? he said.
"Please don't tell your dad" she said and gave him twenty dollars.

Content with thirty dollars he went outside to go to the arcade and saw the milkman. "I know the truth!? he shouted out.

The milkman replied, "Well come and hug your real father then."

 

[hosteter]

An American automobile company and a Japanese auto company decided to have a competitive boat race on the Detroit River. Both teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance. On the big day, they were as ready as they could be.

The Japanese team won by a mile.

Afterwards, the American team became discouraged by the loss and their morale sagged. Corporate management decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found. A Continuous Measurable Improvement Team of "Executives" was set up to investigate the problem and to recommend appropriate corrective action.

Their conclusion: The problem was that the Japanese team had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, whereas the American team had 1 person rowing and 8 people steering. The American Corporate Steering Committee immediately hired a consulting firm to do a study on the management structure.

After some time and billions of dollars, the consulting firm concluded that "too many people were steering and not enough rowing." To prevent losing to the Japanese again next year, the management structure was changed to "4 Steering Managers, 3 Area Steering Managers, and 1 Staff Steering Manager" and a new performance system for the person rowing the boat to give more incentive to work harder and become a six sigma performer. "We must give him empowerment and enrichment." That ought to do it.

The next year the Japanese team won by two miles.

The American Corporation laid off the rower for poor performance, sold all of the paddles, cancelled all capital investments for new equipment, halted development of a new canoe, awarded high performance awards to the consulting firm, and distributed the money saved as bonuses to the senior executives.

 

[hosteter]

Americans: "Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision."

Canadians: "Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision."

Americans: "This is the captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course."

Canadians: "No, I say again, you divert YOUR course."

Americans: "THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS ABRAHAM LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH. THAT'S ONE-FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP."

Canadians: "This is a lighthouse. Your call."

 

[hosteter]

As a result of a near mutiny the overbearing and arrogant captain was forced to see a psychiatrist by order of the commodore.


As soon as the captain became comfortable on the couch, the psychiatrist began the session by asking the captain, "Why don't you start at the beginning?"


The captain said, " Okay. In the beginning I created heaven and the earth..."

 

[hosteter]

An old sea captain was sitting on a bench near the wharf when a young man walked up and sat down. The young man had spiked hair and each spike was a different color.... green, red, orange, blue, and yellow.


The young man noticed that the captain was staring at him.


"What's the matter old timer?never done anything wild in your life?"


The old captain snorted. "Got drunk once and married a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son!"

 

[hosteter]

A pirate walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened, you look terrible!"
"What do you mean?" the pirate replies, "I'm fine."
The bartender says, "But what about that wooden leg? You didn't have that before."
"Well," says the pirate, "We were in a battle at sea and a cannon ball hit my leg but the surgeon fixed me up, and I'm fine, really."
"Yeah," says the bartender, "But what about that hook? Last time I saw you, you had both hands."
"Well," says the pirate, "We were in another battle and we boarded the enemy ship. I was in a sword fight and my hand was cut off but the surgeon fixed me up with this hook, and I feel great, really."
"Oh," says the bartender, "What about that eye patch? Last time you were in here you had both eyes."
"Well," says the pirate, "One day when we were at sea, some birds were flying over the ship. I looked up, and one of them shat in my eye."
"So?" replied the bartender, "what happened? You couldn't have lost an eye just from some bird ****!"
"Well," says the pirate, "I really wasn't used to the hook yet."

 

[hosteter]

A man fell overboard from his little sailboat, and was thrashing around in the water when another boat pulled up.
"Jump in, we'll save you" - they screamed.
"No" cried the drowning man, "God will save me".
The scene was repeated twice more and then a helicopter hovered over the man.
"We came to rescue you" yelled the pilot.
"No, God will save me" was the response again.
The man drowned, and as he crossed the Pearly Gates, he ran straight to Jesus.
"I placed my faith in You, and You let me drown?!
""Hey!" said Jesus. "I sent three boats and a helicopter".

 

[RGrew176]

11 People On A Rope








Eleven people were hanging on a rope, under a helicopter in flight, 10 men and 1 woman.

he rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one had to leave; otherwise they were all going to fall. They weren't able to choose that person, until the woman gave a very touching speech.

She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because, as a woman, she was used to giving up everything for her husband and the kids or for men in general and was used to always making sacrifices with little in return.

As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping......

 

[RGrew176]

Two roofers, Larry and Joe were on the roof laying tile, when a sudden gust of wind came and knocked down their ladder.

?I have an idea? said Larry. ?We?ll throw you down, and then you can pick up the ladder.?

What, do you think, I?m stupid? ?I have and idea? said Joe. ?I?ll shine my flashlight, and you can climb down on the beam of light.?

"What, do you think I?m stupid? ?You?ll just turn off the flashlight when I?m halfway there.?

 

[RGrew176]

There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest.

He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win.

Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

 

[RGrew176]

10. You get winded from knocking on the door.

9. You have to have another kid chew the candy for you.

8. You ask for high fiber candy only.

7. When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your balance and fall over.

6. People say, "What a scary mask!" but you're not wearing a mask!

5. When the door opens you yell, "Trick or..." and can't remember the rest.

4. By the end of the night, you have a bag full of restraining orders.

3. You have to carefully choose a costume that won't dislodge your hairpiece.

2. You're the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a walker.

and last but not least...

1. You avoid going to houses where your ex-wives live.

 

[RGrew176]

It was a boring Sunday afternoon in the jungle so the Elephants decided to challenge the Ants to a game of soccer.

The game was going well with the Elephants beating the Ants ten goals to nil, when the Ants gained possession.

The Ants' star player was dribbling the ball towards the Elephants' goal when the Elephants' left back came lumbering towards him.

The elephant trod on the little ant, killing him instantly. The referee stopped the game. "What the hell do you think you're doing? Do you call that sportsmanship, killing another player?"

The elephant replied, "Well, I didn't mean to kill him -- I was just trying to trip him up."

 

[Grub54891]

Went to the dam, to get some dam water. The dam man said,, You can't have any dam water! Well,I said ok dam man,, you can keep your dam water!

 

[RGrew176]

?What am I supposed to do with this?? grumbled the motorist as the police clerk handed him a receipt for his traffic violation.

?Keep it,? the clerk advises. ?When you get four of them, you get a bicycle.?

 

[RGrew176]

An elderly woman called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car had been broken into.

She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried.

The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way."

A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard." He says. "She got in the back-seat by mistake."

 

[RGrew176]

A rich millionaire throws a massive party for his 50th birthday. During this party, he grabs the microphone and announces to his guests that down in the garden of his mansion he has a swimming pool with two great white sharks in it.

"I will give anything of mine to the man who swims across that pool."

So the party continues with no events in the pool until SUDDENLY, there is a great splash and all the guests of the party run to the pool to see what has happened.

In the pool a man is swimming as hard as he can and fins come out of the water and jaws are snapping and this guy just keeps on going. The sharks are gaining on him and this guy reaches the end and gets out of the pool, tired and soaked.

The millionaire grabs the microphone and says, "I am a man of my word. Anything of mine I will give: my Ferraris, my house, absolutely anything, for you are the bravest man I have ever seen. So sir what will it be?"

The guy grabs the microphone and says, "Why don't we start with the name of the jerk who pushed me in!"

 

[RGrew176]

In a grammar lesson in eighth grade Mrs. O?Neill said, ?Paul, give me a sentence with a direct object.?

Paul replied. ?Everyone thinks you are the best teacher in the school.?

?Thank you, Paul,? responded Mrs. O?Neill, ?but what is the object??

?To get the best mark possible,? said Paul.