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- May 19, 2001
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Santa Writes To The U.S. South<br /><br /><br />I regret to inform you that this Christmas Eve I will not serve the South since my contract has recently been renegotiated by the Fairies and Elves Union, Local 11. 
I'm sure your children will be in good hands with the local replacement, my third cousin, Bubba Claus. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls, but since his side of the family hails from the South Pole, there are a few differences between us:<br /><br /><br />1. His sleigh has a gun rack and a bumper sticker that reads: "These toys insured by Smith and Wesson." <br /><br /><br />2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers RC cola and moon pies. And Bubba doesn't smoke a pipe. Instead, he dips snuff, so you may want to leave a spit can near the fireplace.<br /><br /><br />3. Bubba's sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs. Once I loaned him a reindeer and now Blitzen's head is hanging above Bubba's fireplace.<br /><br /><br />4. Instead of "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen...", Bubba Claus says, "On Earnhardt, on Andretti, on Elliott and Petty." <br /><br /><br />5. My "Ho, Ho, Ho" has been replaced by "Yee Haw." And Bubba's elves respond, "I her'd dat." <br /><br /><br />6. As evidently required by Southern law, the back of Bubba Claus' sleigh has a Yosemite Sam safety triangle with the words, "Back Off."<br /><br /><br />7. Bubba has cancelled the usual Christmas movie classics like "Miracle on 34th Street" and "It's a Wonderful Life". Instead, you'll see "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas" and "Smokey and the Bandit Xmas!" with dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other and starring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus. <br /><br /><br />And finally,<br /><br /><br />8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. Be sure your wife and kids look away when he bends over to put your presents under the tree! <br /><br /><br />Santa Claus
I'm sure your children will be in good hands with the local replacement, my third cousin, Bubba Claus. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls, but since his side of the family hails from the South Pole, there are a few differences between us:<br /><br /><br />1. His sleigh has a gun rack and a bumper sticker that reads: "These toys insured by Smith and Wesson." <br /><br /><br />2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers RC cola and moon pies. And Bubba doesn't smoke a pipe. Instead, he dips snuff, so you may want to leave a spit can near the fireplace.<br /><br /><br />3. Bubba's sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs. Once I loaned him a reindeer and now Blitzen's head is hanging above Bubba's fireplace.<br /><br /><br />4. Instead of "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen...", Bubba Claus says, "On Earnhardt, on Andretti, on Elliott and Petty." <br /><br /><br />5. My "Ho, Ho, Ho" has been replaced by "Yee Haw." And Bubba's elves respond, "I her'd dat." <br /><br /><br />6. As evidently required by Southern law, the back of Bubba Claus' sleigh has a Yosemite Sam safety triangle with the words, "Back Off."<br /><br /><br />7. Bubba has cancelled the usual Christmas movie classics like "Miracle on 34th Street" and "It's a Wonderful Life". Instead, you'll see "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas" and "Smokey and the Bandit Xmas!" with dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other and starring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus. <br /><br /><br />And finally,<br /><br /><br />8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. Be sure your wife and kids look away when he bends over to put your presents under the tree! <br /><br /><br />Santa Claus