Southern vs. Northern Football<br />> <br />> It's funny because it's true!!!<br />> <br />> Women's Game Day Accessories:<br />> NORTH: ChapStick in back pocket and a $20 bill in the front pocket.<br />> SOUTH: Louis Vuitton duffel with two lipsticks, waterproof mascara, <br />and a fifth of bourbon. Money is not necessary - that's what dates are <br />for.<br />> <br />> Stadium Size:<br />> NORTH: College football stadiums hold 20,000 people.<br />> SOUTH: High school football stadiums hold 20,000 people.<br />> <br />> Fathers:<br />> NORTH: Expect their daughters to understand Sylvia Plath.<br />> SOUTH: Expect their daughters to understand pass interference.<br />> <br />> Campus Decor:<br />> NORTH: Statues of founding fathers.<br />> SOUTH: Statues of Heisman trophy winners.<br />> <br />> Homecoming Queen:<br />> NORTH: Also a physics major.<br />> SOUTH: Also Miss America.<br />> <br />> Cheerleaders:<br />> NORTH: If you are slightly coordinated, you make the varsity squad.<br />> SOUTH: You begin cheer camp at age two, complete with ballet, dance <br />and gymnastic training.<br />> <br />> Heroes:<br />> NORTH: Rudy Guliani<br />> SOUTH: Archie & Peyton Manning<br />> <br />> Getting Tickets:<br />> NORTH: 5 days before the game you walk into the ticket office on <br />campus and purchase tickets.<br />> SOUTH: 5 months before the game you walk into the ticket office on <br />campus and put name on the waiting list.<br />> <br />> Friday Classes After a Thursday Night Game:<br />> NORTH: Students and teachers not sure they're going to the game, <br />because they have classes on Friday.<br />> SOUTH: Teachers cancel Friday classes because they don't want to see <br />the few hung-over students that might actually make it to class.<br />> <br />> Parking:<br />> NORTH: An hour before game time, the University opens the campus for <br />game parking.<br />> SOUTH: RVs sporting their school flags begin arriving on Wednesday <br />for the weekend festivities. The really faithful arrive on Tuesday.<br />> <br />> Game Day:<br />> NORTH: A few students party in the dorm and watch ESPN on TV.<br />> SOUTH: Every student wakes up, has a beer for b reakfast, and rushes <br />over to where ESPN is broadcasting "Game Day Live" to get on camera and <br />wave to the idiots up north.<br />> <br />> Tailgating:<br />> NORTH: Raw meat on a grill, beer with lime in it, listening to local <br />radio station with truck tailgate down.<br />> SOUTH: 30-foot custom pig-shaped smoker fires up at dawn. Cooking <br />accompanied by live performance by "Dave Matthews' Band," who come over <br />during breaks and ask for a hit off bottle of bourbon.<br />> <br />> Getting to the Stadium:<br />> NORTH: You ask "Where's the stadium?" When you find it, you walk <br />right in.<br />> SOUTH: When you're near it, you'll hear it. On game day it becomes <br />the state's third largest city.<br />> <br />> Concessions:<br />> NORTH: Drinks served in a paper cup, filled to the top with soda.<br />> SOUTH: Drinks served in a plastic cup with the home team's mascot on <br />it, filled less than halfway with soda, to ensure enough room for <br />bourbon.<br />> <br />> When National Anthem is Played:<br />> NORTH: Stands are less than half full, and less than half of them <br />stand up.<br />> SOUTH: 100,000 fans, all standing, sing along in perfect four- part <br />harmony.<br />> <br />> The Smell in the Air After the First Score:<br />> NORTH: Nothing changes.<br />> SOUTH: Fireworks...with a touch of bourbon.<br />> <br />> Game Day Commentary (Male):<br />> NORTH: "Nice play."<br />> SOUTH: "Dammit, you slow sum***** - tackle him and break his legs."<br />> <br />> Game Day Commentary (Female):<br />> NORTH: "My, this certainly is a violent sport."<br />> SOUTH: "Dammit, you slow sum***** - tackle him and break his legs."<br />> <br />> Announcers:<br />> NORTH: Neutral and paid.<br />> SOUTH: Announcer harmonizes with the crowd in the fight song, with a <br />tear in his eye because he's so proud of his team.<br />> <br />> After the Game:<br />> NORTH: The stadium is empty way before the game ends.<br />> SOUTH: Another rack of ribs goes on the smoker. While somebody goes <br />to the nearest package store for more bourbon; planning begins for next <br />week's game.<br />> <br />> Nothing else in the universe comes even halfway close to the glories <br />of Southern football.>
