Uh oh

[SS MAYFLOAT]

My youngest (Carl) called yesterday to wish his step mom happy Mothers Day. He then informed us that him and his girlfriend is getting married.......After he told me that, he had to ask if I was still on the phone since I was speechless.

They want to have the receiption at my house. My wife and I are not in favor of this idea. He wants booze at this event and neither my wife and I don't want drinking at our house. Just affraid that underage drinking will occur and our butts will be hung out to get into trouble. Plus we don't want my EX at our house as well.

Then he wants our help on putting the event on. I hate to admitt, but we are doing our best to keep our finances inline at this time. Think I will call around to some banquet rooms to get prices.

I mentioned to him that we could reserve a pavillion at the lake where I boat, but he knows that open containers of alcohol is prohibited. I also told him that if we did have it at our house, that the probabliliy of someone getting busted for DUI is great. There are several bars close to my house on the state highway. Every weekend the statey has someone pulled over in front of my house. With everyone parking in view of the state highway patrols sight will make those that get intoxicated a target. I just don't want the responsibility of the homeonwer being liable.

Any ideas except hanging up when he calls? Thanks..........SS

 

[SgtMaj]

Re: Uh oh

How old is he? You make him sound young...

My only thought is to tell him that if he waits 'til he gets a PHd you'll pay the whole thing, a master's and you'll pay 75%, a bachelor's and you'll pay 50%, an associates and you'll pay 25%, and if he does it now, you won't pay for any of it...

Of course that only works if he doesn't have any of those... and needs you to pay some of the cost of the wedding.

 

[heycods]

Re: Uh oh

Sometimes ya gota say No to the kids. Seems like we all spoil the kids these days, and give in to thier "wants". If hes old enough to get married, its time he understands about responsibility. Set him down and explain your feelings, he should understand, if he dont then its just say no.
I understand about the X deal, I have been putting up with it for 20 years. A penalty we have to pay for wrong decisions of the past. We had the kids together, sometimes at weddings and funerals we have to suffer for our past .

 

[gonefishie]

Re: Uh oh

Just because you're his father doesn't mean you have to pay for HIS wedding. Make him pay for it! I wouldn't even have the slightest thought of having my parents paying for my wedding. If he want to get marry bad enough and don't have the money, there are plenty of wedding chappels.

 

[JCF350]

Re: Uh oh

Offer what you can (morally and financial).

Let the two of them figure out the rest.

 

[tashasdaddy]

Re: Uh oh

weddings are the cost of the brides family. rehearsal dinner grooms. tradition.

 

[fishmen111]

Re: Uh oh

Tough one SS. It is your house and he is your son. I would offer to host the reception with the understanding that there will be no alcohol...none. If they want to throw down later at an after party, then so be it. You could help arrange that at another place. I think if he knows you are serious on that condition, he will chose another reception location anyway. Financially, like JCF said, let them work that out. Offer what you can, but let him know your limits and hesitations up front.

 

[JB]

Re: Uh oh

What Daddy said.

Wedding and reception are bride's family responsibility.

Rehearsal dinner, bachelor party (if any) grooms family.

 

[Vlad D Impeller]

Re: Uh oh

Time for you to go fishing

 

[aspeck]

Re: Uh oh

SS, I am sure you are happy that he is getting married, but you are under no OBLIGATION to do what he TELLS you to do.

I think you need to have a sit down, face-to-face with Carl (and Carl only). There you can tell him what you have told us. Stress that you are really trying to get out of the financial mess you were in, and you hope he will understand that you will do everything you CAN, but you are not going to mess up your financial status for HIS wedding.

Next, let him know that he is welcome to have the reception at your house, but it will be by YOUR rules - and that means NO alcohol. PERIOD. If he can live with that, then you will live with his mother being there. If he can not live with that, then he needs to find another place to hold it. You DO NOT have to spend money on things that you don't agree with - like underage drinking.

Decide what you can, and will, pay for. You might tell him that as a wedding gift you will pay $ xxx.xx towards his wedding, or honeymoon, or the reception, or whatever. Any expenses over that are his baby. You can offer to rent the hall, or whatever, but I would let him make all the arrangements, put it all in his name, and then give him the money to pay it. That way if there is any damage, or other expenses charged, it will be on his credit, and his responsibility, not yours.

Carl needs to understand that you are there for him, that you love him, and that you are glad that he is taking on this responsibility. But it is HIS responsibility, not yours. You will help where you can, and when you think it is prudent, but he cannot expect you to give him blank checks and for you to do whatever he wants you to do.

I think this goes well with his past history. Some of the newer ones on this board may not know what Carl has put you through, and how you have handled the situations. Things are looking so much better now then they were a few years ago! Keep teaching and training him, Dad!

 

[Mark42]

Re: Uh oh

You son Carl is 17, right? That means he has a very slim chance of his marriage lasting more than a few years.

I think a good talking to is needed, just like others suggested. Explain the likelyhood of divorce. The problems that having children at a young age brings, and the cost of child support, alimony, etc. His life will be that much harder.

Tell him if he waits a few years, demostrates he is mature, no more police calls at night about him, etc that you and your wife will discuss having a wedding at that time and be overjoyed to help arrange things. And stick to your guns about the alcohol.

Just my 2 cents.

 

[Haywood123]

Re: Uh oh

I would offer him cash to go get married in Vegas. My parents offered us $5,000 grand, which my wife declined, cause she had to have a wedding, and has regretted it ever since. Not marrying me of course, that's the best thing that has happened to her, but not taking the money and hitting Vegas, she regrets

 

[Turin]

Re: Uh oh

Well we are going to get married too.
But I wouldn't have dared to ask my dad such a thing.
My dad paid for my suit, as a gift but i didn't ask for it we were in the shop a I found a suit which I liked, And we were going to pay than my dad said he would pay for the suit big surprise for me.

saved me a lot of money.

Its strange to he wants to use your house let he use his own its his party.

 

[SS MAYFLOAT]

Re: Uh oh

Carl will be 22 this August. He has had his share of legal problems with drinking with kids underage. Guess he never took my advice on the part that if your going to get into legal trouble, it will be because of a teenager. He knows that now,,,,,at least I sure hope so .

I've met his girl,,,,,,and I have told him to run as far-n-fast as he can. Still won't listen though? Her side of the family is not so well to do either. I'm thinking that they see all of our toys and think we have money, but like most,,,,,it is all on credit. If it was a couple of years later, I wouldn't mind helping out in a much bigger way. Right now with the wife working part time, and my part time lighting repair service shut down, it aint gonna happen.

I'm thinking that this is only a reason to have a party for him in his eyes. I don't think he is taking the marriage part seriously enough. He will when things get tough and finds out that diviorce attorneys are expensive. Aint gonna help there either! I had to dig myself out many times without mom and pops help and have always felt more proud of myself for doing so. Now to get Carl to learn the same lesson. Thanks guys for the help and suggestions. Keep em coming.........SS

 

[QC]

Re: Uh oh

Just one note about tradition. Mrs. QCs family has never had a pot to **** in, so when we got married my Mom and I paid for everything. Just because it is tradition doesn't mean that a young bride should not have a nice wedding . . .

Other than that, I think I'd need some more info about Carl to comment. Age, if he is 17 then forget it. Does he work? What are his finances like? Hers? Her family's?

Edit: Simultaneous posting. First paragraph is all that is necessary now. Discourage the whole flippin' thing if you can.

 

[LadyFish]

Re: Uh oh

Tell them to elope.

 

[External Combustion]

Re: Uh oh

SS Mayfloat:

If you can not stand in favor of the wedding then you can not stand in favor of the reception, let alone abet it.

I have declined to attend two good friends weddings because I thought they were a serious mistake and I could not talk them out of it. We are still friends after some tense moments. I have also helped them pick up the pieces after shattered, short marriages.

The way I was raised, attending a wedding also committed you to help out when things weren't going well in the marriage relationship. Friends only count in the hard times. I have profitted by a good friend asking me what the hell I was thinking (during a tiff with my wife), that I voluntarily married my wife as they were there and saw it: that if I said "for better or worse" then either I was a liar or I would have to work out the "worse". Fortunately I needed just these words and my pigheadedness passed quickly. My wife and I have been happily married many years now.

I don't force my raising on others, but in this circumstance I have found value in what I was taught.

If your son is mature enough to get married and mature enough to accept the responsibility of living within his own means then he is mature enough to pay for his own party.

May the tension between you and him pass quickly and may he see it for the love that you have for him, not punishment for the girl he has chosen.

Peace to you and yours.

 

[Bob_VT]

Re: Uh oh

Let your son read the iboats post. He wants to get married and move into a whole new world of being responsible...... it's about time he start owning up to it.

Party at your home? No way. That's way too much work for you and the Mrs even if it was catered. Your bathroom..... your home..... and if it rains????

I got married 3 years ago. We have a vision of a huge tend, dancefloor, DJ and a huge BBQ and maybe a pig roast..... When we started adding up the costs to rent a tent, rent porta-potty's, rent tables, chairs, and started looking at the logistics it was a nightmare! We rented a hall, we did the decorating, we had it catered.... it was cheaper and easier.

Please do not do the "house" for a party.

Heck eloping is easier.... buy him his own ladder!

 

[JCF350]

Re: Uh oh

Bob_VT

Just noticed you changed your sig, made me think of Walmarts prices... And your right!!

 

[Mark42]

Re: Uh oh

My wife and I "ran" off to the Bahamas and got married on the beach at the Breezes resort. Just the two of us, and we had a great honeymoon to boot.

When we got home, we rented a tent, folding chairs and tables and had a reception party in my own back yard. We ordered a few trays of food from the local resturant, and cold cuts, rolls from the local deli. Everyone brought drinks, we supplied soda and juice.

The point being we did it within our means, and we did not blow a pile on a big fancy wedding. We planned and saved beforehand. And when all was said and done, we were in the clear and debt free.