wheres our teens headed?

[rogerwa]

Re: wheres our teens headed?

As I am one right in the middle of the war (15 y/o girl, 14 y/o boy), the swtich from good kid to monster happens vey quickly. I just have two short pieces of advice..

1) look up David Walsh and read this book:

Why Do They Act That Way? A Survival Guide to the Adolescent Brain for You and Your Teen.

If you can see him speak, all the better (http://www.mediafamily.org)

I have seen him speak twice and he gives a context for what they do and why they do. It doesn't make them act better but at least you can understand why and to also realize that they are not unique in what you think is aberrent (sp?) behavior.

2) Your kid will stand and fight. Don't fight just simply set your expectation and the consequences and step back and let them make the decision. If you argue, you are just giving them time not to make the choice of compliance or punishment. It works. After you lay out your expectation and consequnces, they will grumble and say things like "I'm not doing that" but if you leave them alone, in most cases the will do it because they will rationalize that not doing it is worse.

Somebody told me when I had kids.. They don't get better, they just get different. How true.

 

[PW2]

Re: wheres our teens headed?

Well, if your are waiting for your son/ and or your wife to admit they are wrong and you are right, you are going to need to learn patience. It's going to take a long time.

I don't claim to be an expert, and as my kids are both fully grown now, and all the damage I can inflict on them is pretty well done now, I'll add my 2 cents.

Both of them are college graduates, and a pleasure to be around. It wasn't always the case. They were no different than any other kids, and about the age of fourteen (12, in the case of my youngest) they knew everything that could be known. From that point, till about the age of 24 or so, when they actually did know something, it was a struggle.

The one thing I do know for sure is that you learn lots more from making mistakes than you ever learn from doing things right, so the goal should never be to avoid mistakes, but rather in keeping inevitable mistakes not in the life altering category.

I always remember when I was a teen. My parents would fight with me incessantly. One fight we'd have on a regular basis was the idea that I should get a haircut. More than once, my hair would get long as to get annoying to even me. I would be heading out to get a haircut, when one of my parents would shout to me as I left the door to get a *#$%& haircut! I mean what could a person do then? I couldn't possibly get a haircut , or I'd never hear the end of it. So I didn't. I'd have to live with the long hair until they finally gave up reminding me.

 

[branman1971]

Re: wheres our teens headed?

First I would tell that other mom to stay the hell away from your son, and be ready to file a restraining order on her if she continues to come pick him up without your approval. That would be justification enough. A restraining order could also prevent your boy from being over there, at least part of the time. You are way past "nice negotiations" with your son. He doesn't know who is boss, and does not respect you. You need to play hard-ball with him from now on until he realizes that Daddy knows best. If that includes having him locked up for disobeying you than so be it. Eventually, he will get tired of being picked up by the cops, and spending time at home is not better than being with the girlfriend, but it is better than being in custody. This kid should have had a half-hitch jerked in his *** a long time ago, as I have had to do with my kids from time to time. I'm not perfect, but my kids (20,17,9) respect me, and if they disobey me they don't do it openly, and they know that there are consequences if i find out. You have to convince the stubborn that they will not win by never accepting this behavior, no matter how many times you send the law over there to get him. You give that other mom enough hassle and eventually she wont want him over there either. When and if your son starts to come around, you gotta show a little reward, but do all you can to prevent the same pattern from coming back. This is all just my opinion, from a guy who has had great luck with his kids, for those that don't agree.

 

[branman1971]

Re: wheres our teens headed?

Mostly have patience, it gets worse. He will drive soon.

Not in my house. Found out last week that my 17 year old son has been lying to us a few times about where he was, what he was doing, and who he was doing it with. Drinking was involved as well. He is not driving any car now, not seeing his friends now, no cell phone, no computer, just helping around the house and fishing with me and his brother if he wants to go do "something." He knows that there are no other options and does not have another choice.

 

[muskyone]

Re: wheres our teens headed?

i was just like you son even had the girlfrind as you can see i was lousy in school when i was 15 and ready for real trouble my dad gave me his 67 mustang fastback it was in pretty good shape need engine rebuild and paint i started working on the car and painting cars in the garage for others i was hard to get away from the house till i moved out when i turned 18 im 43 now have a dream job in telecommunications im a high school dropout and i have engineers looking to me for advise that car keep me out of jail and kept me working to support it and got me were i am now any way try haveing the girl come over to your house i hate to say it but her parents might be supplying drugs and alcohol i know this wiil go through one eye and out the other becuse i spell like **** and puncuate but thats cause my parents took jbs methode hes wrong on this one beat the kid and go to jail when you get out and he does it again beat him agian sorry your not his friend your his dad as much as hes loves you he should fear you

 

[bhammer]

Re: wheres our teens headed?

Wow, lots of great advice and guidance and I don't think anything I have to say will be new. There are two issues. One is the communication with your wife and the other is your son. With your wife, you need some help. Go to your church or find a family counselor that some friends recommend. My older daughter always plays the mom / dad card and mom and I are always working together to come across as one parent versus two. We talk and email regularly about what rules we have set and enforced.

Being a mid teen is a hard age as you need to focus towards being a mentor and provide guidance versus being the judge and jury. You really can't do this until you get the communication and a "UNIFIED" front with your wife.

Don't think it will change when you son moves out. I have friends who still have family fights over what one spouse does / doesn't do and their grown kids.

Good luck as you are in a tough family position.

 

[kenimpzoom]

Re: wheres our teens headed?

I started a long time ago telling my son the rules when he gets to his teens. That way, he will know what to expect. He is 12 now. I let him have some freedom and let him make some mistakes. I remember I was no angel.

Biggest problem is the girlfriend. I think we all know how stupid a girl can make a man behave.

Take him to a place where you can both relax and talk instead of scream.

Ken