Would you just leave?

[Fly Rod]

Re: Would you just leave?

If you are both on the deed to the house I would stay till the house is sold. Once he/she cheats and lies, there will never ever be trust again.

If there are kids involved they are the ones to be hurt.

 

[Smuggler's Blues]

Re: Would you just leave?

My personal view is you can never rebuild trust once it is lost. As has been said you have to answer the question for yourself. "Can you trust her again". You have to answer honestly you can lie to everyone but as the cliche goes, you cant lie to yourself. Bit of advice from a former truck driver and now cop, (two professions with very high divorce rate). I would make sure you have everything in order before leaving. Not sure if you have children or not, (that makes it even more difficult).

 

[johnson20]

Re: Would you just leave?

In nature the male is tolerated for having more mates , its like when single a male can have more partners before being given labels( its just the way it is)

So when a women cheats its more of a disrepect .... I never cheated and had many partners

The mother of my child cheated on me with her ex 2 weeks into relationship and I gave her a chance and started to fall deep inlove with her till my nabour told me she was sending love letters threw her address.

In the last 15 years she was with about 5 guys and cheated on them all.

her way of cheating was asking for a brake then going out with guy and if something did not suit her she came back.

I will not put myself threw that again.

 

[aspeck]

Re: Would you just leave?

As already stated, a lot depends on you. Do you feel this person is the one you can't live without? Do you want to know what you need to do to please her? Is it worth the effort? She has to want to make it work, but you need to make some decisions and work at it also. You have to be able to see the affair as partly your fault also. Do you want to change? If your answers are "Yes" then stay and make your relationship better.

I have friends who went through a seperation about 30 years ago. He had an affair with his business partner's wife. Moved out of his house and in with her. His wife refused to divorce him. She was convinced they could put it behind them and make a better life for themselves. To make a long story short, 3 years later they renewed their vows, went on a second honeymoon, and their marriage just continued to get stronger and stronger. They are pillars in the church today, they have an amazing love for each other, and they are an inspiration and example to many.

So the question is really not what do we think, but what do YOU think?

 

[LippCJ7]

Re: Would you just leave?

I'm with Bubba, there is nothing left to save once the very foundation has been undermined. You will have trust issues the rest of your life, there is nothing in this world that will cure them completely. Better to move on now with the rest of your life and find someone new. I don't think I would even care about the material things such as the house, just my retirement, Reason being material things bring memories I don't want anymore. Cut her off completely, she will enjoy life with her significant other for awhile and then try to come back.

 

[floatingwoody2006]

Re: Would you just leave?

I thought for sure i would immediately delete this, but your replies are helpful. It's been ongoing i guess. She asked me one day a few monthe ago if i thought we were going thru the motions and not connecting. At that point i tried harder than ever to show her my love. Then i discovered the infidelity. I even said if we are willing to change together and starting right now we go 100% for each other, then we can see what happens. Well..Here it is 3 weeks later and she is not saying i love you back to me, A small peck on the cheek in the am before work is all. She has never been an extrovert and has always had difficulty talking, which im sure led to some of this if she needed something, but she just can't bring herself to make the effort. Even to our detriment i guess. I have decided that i need more. I love her with all my heart, but she just wont show it.. Even if she does care for me in return. I guess i have done all i can, and my conciouns (sp) is clean. I have never cheated on her. Have treated our 16yo son great, and provided all until now. Thsnks for your helpful and somewhat therapudic responses here.

 

[JoLin]

Re: Would you just leave?

even though she has said it was nothing, and she want's to stay, she is doing nothing to go out of her way at all to prove this. She refused to go to counseling with me outright.

I think that might be the key for me. If she doesn't care enough about the pain she caused to try and make it right, or doesn't consider it a 'serious' matter...

well, I'd have a big problem with that.

My .02

 

[infideltarget]

Re: Would you just leave?

Would I leave? No. Would I kick her to the curb? In a heartbeat!

Simply put I've seen it too many times and it never seems to work out "going forward". One of my best friends (married 23 years) found out his wife was screwing around and they decided to try to move forward. In the end, his trust in her was destroyed and he drove himself nuts with trying to know where she was, who she was with, where the money was going, etc. 24/7 because he simply didn't trust her (for good reason). The thing that bothered him most was the gazzillion lies she told to hide the affair while it was going on. An affair by its nature requires lie up on lie to keep it hidden and her lies kept coming out over time. They spent another year being absolutely miserable before he called an end to it.

My personal view on it is that I can forgive just about anything but the betrayal of the very foundation of any marriage, the required trust. I've even had a frank discussion with my wife and told her that if she ever decided she wanted another man then be adult enough and have enough respect for me to say so and we will part company on the best terms possible. Stab me in the back and I will become her worst nightmare x 10.

Finally, its my experiance people don't really change at their core. If a spouce found an excuse and justification to do it once, they will find another one at some point in the future.

+1

We had this same discussion when we were dating...been married 17 years now...still happy, still faithful. you owe it to your self though, to find out why she did it, so if it was something you were or were not doing, then you are not doomed to repeat it in the next relationship. Everyone deserves to be happy, and we dont get younger. Stop it now, heal, and move on with your life.

 

[johnson20]

Re: Would you just leave?

aspeck

Quintessences of people maturing with age maybe

 

[infideltarget]

Re: Would you just leave?

Thanks. I am having some real trust issues here and the lies to cover it up..Well she must have thought i am stupid. She is still living with me, but even though she has said it was nothing, and she want's to stay, she is doing nothing to go out of her way at all to prove this. She refused to go to counseling with me outright. All i know is that i provided everything monetarily, thought i did emotionally but it wasn't enough apparently. Im not ugly, lazy, abusive or out of shape. I just don't know what the hell get's into peoples heads.

It may not necessarily be you...some people just cant commit. Some just dont care. Some are just in it for the rush. I dated a girl like that, was engaged to her in fact. She cheated once because the thought of it excited her, and enjoyed the rush of it so much, she couldnt stop. I kicked her to the curb pretty darn fast, but I will never know what all went on in that relationship...and dont care. She's been married several times now, and has done the same to each of those guys. Some people just enjoy another's pain. Sounds like yours may be this way too.

 

[badkins50]

Re: Would you just leave?

It doesn't matter why, how, how many times or who. The fact of the matter is, she did it and will most likely do it again. Can you trust that person ever again? Wondering where she is, what she is doing, or who she is with? I know I couldn't. It would be on my mind till the day I died. I'm outta there! But it's easy to answer when its "theoretical". Good luck man.

 

[hostage]

Re: Would you just leave?

If she came to you with guilt, which doesn't seem like what happen, then things might be a little different. But if she went behind your back and you found out the hard way, then it will be hard to build the relationship after that. Having children makes things difficult, though if they are older and mature it will make things easier if you guys do decide to split. It would be better to split up sooner, than waiting for things to get much worst and in the end make things harder on your kids.

My mother was married previously, before she met my dad. I don't know why she got a divorce, but they ended things on a better note. It made things a lot more easier when at family functions and weddings, when both my mom and my half-brother's father were there.

If I was you I would try to figure out what is best for your son first. Just make sure you relationship doesn't turn into the vindictive one that I have seen so many friends parents play their kids like pawns.

Try to also look at things from your kid's point of view.

 

[CVX20SPRINT]

Re: Would you just leave?

Strait from the mouth of Dr. Phil "A good indicator of future behavior is past behavior".

If it was me I would be packing her bags,not mine.JMHO.

 

[floatingwoody2006]

Re: Would you just leave?

Thanks guys.. Im getting some real good advice here. Another testament to the character here.

 

[funk6294]

Re: Would you just leave?

From the sounds of it she does not think she did anything wrong and that is a problem. I find it a little disturbing she will not even step up to go to counseling to discuss this, or even address your feelings in this matter. At least with counseling you can say you gave it a try and if everybody is honest (or at least shows up) then everyone can grow and either move on as a couple or move on thier seperate ways. If she is not going to go or put any effort to this then end it, you are in control at this point. Prolonging this is going to create resentment and further distrust and eventually a hostile enviroment that will lead to long term bitterness. Take down all of the accounts by number, cars, boats, bikes, toys by vin and see a divorce lawyer. Once you decide to go down this route, then YOU go to counseling to help move on and keep your head straight. My now wife did that during her divorce and I think it did wonders for her and helped to keep her head straight through all of this. If the relationship is going to go south no matter what, get the ball rolling before you turn bitter and you will come out the otherside a lot better. If you wait till your both bitter then you will start doing things to just **** the other person off and all that does is waste time and money.

 

[ajgraz]

Re: Would you just leave?

I've never had to give up a relationship of such a duration so I can't imagine your empty feeling, but these things are as plain as day:

...She asked me one day a few monthe ago if i thought we were going thru the motions and not connecting...

This was her transferring the blame for her actions onto you, absolving herself of responsibility.

...she has said it was nothing...She refused to go to counseling with me...

As others have said, this was her being incredibly selfish.

I'm thinking that after the healing period, you'll be a new and better, wiser man without her.

How's that old saying go, "a woman takes a man hoping to change him, while a man takes a woman hoping she'll never change; both are disappointed."

 

[floatingwoody2006]

Re: Would you just leave?

again thank you. I cannot tell you how difficult this is at the moment. Every story has 2 sides, and i do realize some of the blame for not realizing my inattentiveness thru the years, but i have made an all out effort, and i just didnt get it at the time i guess. What can you do without communication. My word of advice for anyone who may be reading this..Do not take your relationship for granted. Communicate with your partner. Some want to communicate, and some may not want to deal with it, but you will know where you stand. You are all good friends no matter where you are from and i thank you for your help.

 

[aspeck]

Re: Would you just leave?

Although I don't disagree with most that has been said here, I would suggest that to get "the ball rolling" by seeing a divorce lawyer is a step too fast. I would get the ball rolling by seeing a counselor. I know you said she wouldn't go, but that doesn't stop you from seeing a marriage counselor. Maybe if she sees you are really committed to her (you admitted of inattentiveness in the past) she may become committed to you. Just a different thought and side from which to view the picture.

 

[sasto]

Re: Would you just leave?

again thank you. I cannot tell you how difficult this is at the moment. Every story has 2 sides, and i do realize some of the blame for not realizing my inattentiveness thru the years, but i have made an all out effort, and i just didnt get it at the time i guess. What can you do without communication. My word of advice for anyone who may be reading this..Do not take your relationship for granted. Communicate with your partner. Some want to communicate, and some may not want to deal with it, but you will know where you stand. You are all good friends no matter where you are from and i thank you for your help.

I feel your pain, brother. I followed your thread, but really didn't know what to say.....I think you just said it.

My love and lady left a very financially stable husband a few years ago for an unstable, freespirited, cancer survivor, freeloading, boat captain. He gave her everything and anything she wanted, except attention. This I will never forget. She always knows me as well as I know her. We work together, eat together ,and sleep together.

Good Luck, floatingwoody. This too shall pass.

 

[sasto]

Re: Would you just leave?

Just a different thought and side from which to view the picture.

Having the pleasure of meeting aspeck....and reading his other post... I would have to agree with this man.

Some it dosen't take long to figure out....from aspeck?....it comes from his heart.