Some Parenting Advise with a Rebellious kid

[HVAC Cruiser]

Re: Some Parenting Advise with a Rebellious kid

Does Oops know about this???? Because if he didn't before, he does now!!!!!

ROFL Shhh maybe he won't see it lol

Hey Bruce,

I hear ya, I have 2 daughters and a step daughter in addition My daughters are now 25,23 and going through it now with my step daughter who will be 16 in October
Fun times isn't it, no wonder I'm all gray at 45

 

[HVAC Cruiser]

Re: Some Parenting Advise with a Rebellious kid

Does it matter? Monitoring is part of the job description of parent. The purpose of doing this is not so much intimidation (ok, its a small part) but more a case of lettign the child know that:

1. You have expectations that you will not lower.

2. When those expectations are not met you will do whatever it takes to correct it.

3. As a child there is no place your reach as a parent can't touch, including his school.

4. Anytime he would like the treatment to end all he needs do is meet those expectations.


Not being mean and I hope you take this the right way, are you certain it isn't you that is intimidated at being in the class room?

Hi Bubba,

Thanks for the input, sometimes I get like a hack horse and just know where I want to wind up but have blinders on to get there and can't explain why I take the road I do. Yours and everyone's input is really helping me put things into perspective as well as helping me convey my thoughts to my son.

You are right, as a parent I can reach into all aspects of his life and monitor them. The question becomes will it help or hurt me being there. If this is a matter of peer pressure and him wanting to be liked more than behaving in class, my being there could actually make things worse.

Last night at dinner I stated that I would be coming to school with him to spend the day in class if this keeps up, He didn't say a word just frowned. I actually regret saying it, not for any other reason but, I do not want him living in fear of consequences. I had said it because he was acting up teasing his little sister by contradicting her. When he was told to stop he didn't, I then said "if this is the way you act in school no wonder why bla bla bla... " I regretted it as soon as it came out of my mouth, if not for any other reason, I want him to act properly out of respect, not fear.


As far as the him or his teacher intimidating me , I am not intimidated easily, its usually the other way around, As someone once said to me, what I don't have in knowledge I make up in tenacity. I am typical of English Irish,& Sicilian descent. hard headed, stubborn, bad temper, and no sense of humor(the English part of me) lol and like to drink some times lol.
There is only one person that Does intimidate me, that's my wife. I like sleeping in our bed lol . But actually when we argue to that point she is the one that winds up on the couch

No, but all kidding aside, I am just trying to do the right thing for him and not add to his problems

 

[bandit86]

Re: Some Parenting Advise with a Rebellious kid

sounds to me like school isnt challenging enough, and is acting out to get some excitement. Try getting an evaluation on him, may be better off in a genious class.

 

[jonesg]

Re: Some Parenting Advise with a Rebellious kid

I then said "if this is the way you act in school no wonder why bla bla bla... " I regretted it as soon as it came out of my mouth, if not for any other reason, I want him to act properly out of respect, not fear.

Lets take stock..
You're perceptive to see what will not work but might lack the approach that works better...until you think it through.

Attraction always works better than promotion.!

Providing the question that lets him find the answer vs accusations.
Posed as a consideration, not something that he needs to defend on the spot. I say "providing" the question, not really asking it in an accusatory manner.

Such as.. ask him ...with a smile...

"Is it possible this is what the teachers are referring to when they say ..."
(Whatever it is they're complaining about.)
And leave it at that. Drop it, and he'll ponder it.
Its just a more effective and attracting technique.

Right now he's probably good at pushing buttons to get attention, but it all comes down to the parent. If the child pushes your buttons, you ought to stop sewing them on.

 

[HVAC Cruiser]

Re: Some Parenting Advise with a Rebellious kid

Hi Jonesg,
Funny you just posted this, I actually just 30seconds ago took that approach. I just now logged in to vent, My son has a 98 average the teacher just sent a letter home to say she is concerned for him gong into the 3rd grade. I am actually in shock, he is an honor student and she is speaking of leaving him back because of his behavior.

Right now I want to PUNT (the teacher) sorry he is still my son !!!! BUT instead of showing my dismay, to say the least, I had him read the letter. After he finished, I explained the innuendos and meaning of the letter, and asked him what he thought. He was visibly upset I asked him How can we turn this around and he stated me paying attention to my teacher. I told him that I might be sitting in on his classes this week to observe what goes on if I deem it necessary. he stated he would be embarrassed I told him there is only one way to stop it.

In her letter the teacher also stated that he did not have his math packet today???????? Funny he finished it yesterday here at home, is he being a follower thinking its cool not to have homework done??????

I think there is a few different things going on here, I hate to say it but its partially what goes on at home with his siblings, I do the best I can but its an uphill battle and I find myself playing politician just to keep peace.

My wife is insistent that it is ADD or ADHD and that's why he does what he does. Her and I are at WAR over this, funny thing I was diagnosed as an adult I have ADHD and OCD. BUT I still get through the self control part Any Thoughts ????

EDIT- Well maybe no self control when I am obsessed with something, I have been known to just about sell my soul when I am focused on doing something

 

[ezmobee]

Re: Some Parenting Advise with a Rebellious kid

OK I typed up this whole long post in regards to some comments made both in this thread and the fighting thread because I actually got confused between the two there towards the end I was about to post it there when I realized it wasn't Bill's thread! Anyway....

I've waited long enough but I have to weigh in in regards to all the posters just saying "don't drug him" "don't medicate him" "easy way out" etc etc. IF a child (any child, not just Bill's) actually has a condition, in my case it was ADD, that is treatable with medication, it would be foolish to not at least do some research on it. I was on Ritalin during the majority of my grade school years. It SOLVED the lack of attention problem I had and greatly improved my academic performance. Did it alter my personality? Not at all. Did it alter my behavior? Maybe just a bit because it did somewhat limit some impulsiveness and cause me to think more about what I said and did. I stopped taking it when I was in college and consequently did poorly. I did take it again for a few years in my professional life and it helped greatly. Unfortunately they have made it such a difficult process to obtain that I no longer go to the trouble even though I'm sure it would help me greatly today.

Do I think ADD and some other conditions are overdiagnosed? Absolutely. Do I think just any pediatrician should be able hand out prescriptions for medications like that as easily as they do penicillin? Probably not. Properly diagnosed and prescribed by an expert and these medications can be very helpful.

This comment not necessarily aimed at Bill's son. I just don't want the treatment of ADD or similar to be labeled as "drugging your child" akin to giving them some valium to calm them down.

 

[HVAC Cruiser]

Re: Some Parenting Advise with a Rebellious kid

Hi Jeremy

Sorry about the cross-thread/hijack:redface:
You are right, there are some situations were the drugs do help. I had a friend that his son had such a severe case of ADHD that prior to the medication he was uncontrollable.

I don't believe this is a case that warrants medication. I believe there is an underlying emotional/social problem, maybe his teacher bores him, or mabe he is looking for attention. I didn't post it here but I will send you a PM

 

[ezmobee]

Re: Some Parenting Advise with a Rebellious kid

I don't believe this is a case that warrants medication. I believe there is an underlying emotional/social problem, maybe his teacher bores him, or mabe he is looking for attention.

I actually don't disagree with you. My case was more cut and dry. I couldn't pay attention. I was pretty low on the hyperactivity scale and didn't really have much in the way of behavior issues. Your son may have multiple things going on and the first thing to try would always be behavior modification.

 

[HVAC Cruiser]

Re: Some Parenting Advise with a Rebellious kid

I actually don't disagree with you. My case was more cut and dry. I couldn't pay attention. I was pretty low on the hyperactivity scale and didn't really have much in the way of behavior issues. Your son may have multiple things going on and the first thing to try would always be behavior modification.

You have a PM ,

 

[cheburashka]

Re: Some Parenting Advise with a Rebellious kid

I'm the one who said that I felt that Ritalin was an "easy way out," but I certainly didn't mean to imply that it's an irresponsible choice for a parent to make. I was referring to teachers who have students whose problems are more closely related to teaching style than problems with the students themselves. I grew up long before the diagnosis of ADD and ADHD were common, but I'm sure I would have been diagnosed as ADHD in 6th grade. Not so much in 4th grade. Never in 2nd grade. Oddly enough, the better the teacher, the fewer the symptoms. Now I was a borderline case and I recognize that some kids have ADHD to the extent that they stand almost no chance of succeeding without medication. It doesn't sound to me like Liam is one of those kids. His symptoms came about when he encountered a new teacher, and HVAC has stated that he didn't have those symptoms beforehand.

I'm not sure whether a teacher can actually hold a student back due to behavior problems once that student is in 3rd grade. Perhaps so. I've heard of it happening in Kindergarten with students who were on the borderline age-wise.

See if you can get him to clean up his act for the remainder of the school year. See if you can make a deal with his teacher about letting him move forward. You may need to sit in on the class. I think he needs to learn that even if he disagrees with his teacher's methods and is bored by the material, he needs to be able to learn to control himself and at least act like he's interested or face the consequences. That's a lesson he'll be able to use for the rest of his life, in the career he chooses and in most of the relationships he'll find himself in. Everyone has to learn to put up with BS.

 

[HVAC Cruiser]

Re: Some Parenting Advise with a Rebellious kid

See if you can get him to clean up his act for the remainder of the school year. See if you can make a deal with his teacher about letting him move forward. You may need to sit in on the class. I think he needs to learn that even if he disagrees with his teacher's methods and is bored by the material, he needs to be able to learn to control himself and at least act like he's interested or face the consequences. That's a lesson he'll be able to use for the rest of his life, in the career he chooses and in most of the relationships he'll find himself in. Everyone has to learn to put up with BS.

That was the conversation we had last night, I asked him what he thought the solution to this situation is. Liam after reading the letter I believe has a better comprehension as to the severity and ultimate consequences.
Just in case I have also made tentative plans to spend the day at school on Friday

 

[ezmobee]

Re: Some Parenting Advise with a Rebellious kid

I'm the one who said that I felt that Ritalin was an "easy way out," but I certainly didn't mean to imply that it's an irresponsible choice for a parent to make. I was referring to teachers who have students whose problems are more closely related to teaching style than problems with the students themselves. I grew up long before the diagnosis of ADD and ADHD were common, but I'm sure I would have been diagnosed as ADHD in 6th grade. Not so much in 4th grade. Never in 2nd grade. Oddly enough, the better the teacher, the fewer the symptoms. Now I was a borderline case and I recognize that some kids have ADHD to the extent that they stand almost no chance of succeeding without medication. It doesn't sound to me like Liam is one of those kids. His symptoms came about when he encountered a new teacher, and HVAC has stated that he didn't have those symptoms beforehand.

Agree completely.

 

[HVAC Cruiser]

Re: Some Parenting Advise with a Rebellious kid

Excellent! My only caution is, don't "threaten" this action and not follow through.

Hum I learned that lesson the hard way with my 25yo when she was a child :redface:
I actually didn't phrase it as a threat, and yes I will follow through . The way I put it was to the effect that I may spend the day with him at school to observe to help me better understand, to help him.
I do my darnedest, although sometimes it's very hard and I fail, to take the logical approach with him and have him reason it out with me. No scolding, yelling etc.. Don't get me wrong I do scold such as LIAM, Stop hanging your little sister by her feet! LOL , just kidding.

 

[HVAC Cruiser]

Re: Some Parenting Advise with a Rebellious kid

News Flash - Liam this morning tells me that he really thinks it is a Great Idea that I spend the day at school in his class The question now becomes is he using reverse psychology or is he truly excited over the idea. I do know one person that is not thrilled over it, his teacher, which puzzles me.

This morning Liam and I were talking and I asked him why he doesn't participate? His statement to me was "most times he thinks she is just doing whatever then another kid will shout out an answer, and he realizes she is teaching and wakes up". I think I am getting a clearer picture now, I did explain to him everyone has different styles of teaching and that's why he needs to pay close attention.

 

[cheburashka]

Re: Some Parenting Advise with a Rebellious kid

One way to work this out with the teacher is to "volunteer to help" in the classroom. Find out what activities are going on and ask her to find a way to let you help out. That way maybe she won't feel like you're spying on her. My wife has volunteered in every class my son has been in and has learned a lot.

Some teachers still don't like it. Our son's kindergarten teacher had my wife banned from volunteering in her classroom because they had different "styles."

 

[Andy in NY]

Re: Some Parenting Advise with a Rebellious kid

out of everything on this whole website, this is probably the subject that i know the most about, yet seem to know nothing!

my step son is 10. when he was 7, they said he has ADHD and is on adderall. just this past year they tested him for learning disabilities and said he is dyslexic. he is in 4th grade, and reads and writes on a 1st grade level. so school is a huge issue in our house. is he smart? hell yes. but he spends homework time saying its too hard and wanting everyone to give him the answers with no attempt on his own. at school they read every test and classwork to him, now he expects that at home. getting him to even do homework is like pulling teeth... if we can get him to bring it home. we started with checking the school website where the teacher posts homework. after a week of him saying he did it after school with his reading teacher, we get an email from the teacher saying he hasnt turned in his hw for a week. so both teachers started emailing me every day saying what the homework was and if he completed it after school with the reading teacher or not. after 2 days, there was an assignment that he said he did, but the teacher made no mention of it being completed. the next day he comes home and says "ya she told me i did it in class" then we get an email saying it hadnt been done. he said the teacher was lying to get him in trouble. so the teachers start having him write down the assignments IN HIS OWN WRITING and having him write weather or not he did it. that went the same... "i dont know why she made me write that, but thats not our homework"

that is still an ongoing problem.


then there is the issue with discipline at home. punishments? forget about it. rewards? he expects the rewards for doing nothing. we have tried every different punishment from big to small, same with rewards. no change. he is not affraid to look right at us and say "no, im not doing that and you cant make me". the "i hate you / i hate this house" flies on a daily basis because of everything from not doing homework, not turning off tv, hitting his sister, etc. and me being the step father, EVERYTHING is my fault. he told my wife last week after not letting him ride his bike to a friends after school (house rule no going to friends on school days) that she was only saying no because I told her to, even though i wasnt even home at the time! he told me the other day while we were having a conversation about him riding his bike to school when he didnt have permission he said to me "stop talking, you are giving me a headache"!!!!!!!

him and his older sister both have daddy issues... thats pretty clear. they both have different fathers, and his dad has been absent all his life. we have tried to get them together, but dont even know where he lives (somewhere in arizona) but he clearly has no intention of spending time with him. my step daughter's dad and my wife were only married for less than a year because he was abusive, on drugs and refused to work or even take care of the baby. she left him, but he's still in love with her 15 years later and tells my step daughter that i am the one that stopped them from getting back together! my wife tries set them straight, but to no avail.


btw my 14 yr old step daughter is the same when it comes to school work, she will be lucky if she makes it to 9th grade next year... even though we do everything we can to study with her, etc. she refuses the help... when she actually brings home the work.

 

[HVAC Cruiser]

Re: Some Parenting Advise with a Rebellious kid

One way to work this out with the teacher is to "volunteer to help" in the classroom. Find out what activities are going on and ask her to find a way to let you help out. That way maybe she won't feel like you're spying on her. My wife has volunteered in every class my son has been in and has learned a lot.

Some teachers still don't like it. Our son's kindergarten teacher had my wife banned from volunteering in her classroom because they had different "styles."

I volunteer all the time with after school activities. I am thinking the teacher just don't want me there. If he truly was as bad as she states, he would be failing miserably no matter how smart he is.

One thing I really don't like is that Tuesday evening he tells me he wants to behave in school but he can't control his body. This is the 1st time he has ever said something like this, did he hear someone talking, was it said to him or is he trying to tell me something. I also know its not true, no I am not in denial, I do watch him do his homework. The child is very focused when doing his work, I am getting one report from his teacher and seeing the complete opposite at home. Personally I think she bores him to tears.

P.S. did you get the PM I sent you?

 

[HVAC Cruiser]

Re: Some Parenting Advise with a Rebellious kid

Hi Andy,
My heart goes out to you and your family, your situation is more extreme than mine. Liam will blast through his homework, he just don't give it to the teacher. I am getting the lying about the class from him. I will ask him if he raises his hand to answer questions, he says yes but she never calls on me, its to the point who do you believe? I remember how I was in school and also remember a teacher telling me point blank "Don't bother raising your hand I know you know it and will never call on you" that was right after questioning his means and methods for formulating a math equation for a problem and stated my way was next weeks lesson, oops.

My 15 yo step daughter also has daddy issues, although she sees her dad all the time but she treats Liam and Caitlyn horribly. In my opinion it is out of jealousy, the how come you get to have your mom & dad in the same house and I don't. Her father and his wife don't help matters by sending out family Christmas cards and never include her in the photo or in the card. We have a tendency to overcompensate with her to no avail.

I wish his teacher posted a lesson plan, homework etc on a web site. Its like pulling teeth to get lesson & homework info from her, I have asked numerous times to no avail. The only reason the communication lines are open between us is because of me. Yes Initially she made a statement that he doesn't pay attention and is disruptive in class, that was a the standard parent teacher conference. I spoke with him, he said he would be better and I never heard from the teacher again with an update. I assumed all was fine, but after a month I sent a letter asking how he was doing. The letter I got back basically stated that he was out of control, didn't listen, pay attention, did whatever he wanted etc.. basically a wild animal.

She was describing a completely different child than the one I knew. Even the principal of the school knows my son because he stops in her office on his own just to say hello a few times a week, a respectful lovable kid.

 

[Andy in NY]

Re: Some Parenting Advise with a Rebellious kid

Hi Andy,
My heart goes out to you and your family, your situation is more extreme than mine. Liam will blast through his homework, he just don't give it to the teacher. I am getting the lying about the class from him. I will ask him if he raises his hand to answer questions, he says yes but she never calls on me, its to the point who do you believe? I remember how I was in school and also remember a teacher telling me point blank "Don't bother raising your hand I know you know it and will never call on you" that was right after questioning his means and methods for formulating a math equation for a problem and stated my way was next weeks lesson, oops.

My 15 yo step daughter also has daddy issues, although she sees her dad all the time but she treats Liam and Caitlyn horribly. In my opinion it is out of jealousy, the how come you get to have your mom & dad in the same house and I don't. Her father and his wife don't help matters by sending out family Christmas cards and never include her in the photo or in the card. We have a tendency to overcompensate with her to no avail.

I wish his teacher posted a lesson plan, homework etc on a web site. Its like pulling teeth to get lesson & homework info from her, I have asked numerous times to no avail. The only reason the communication lines are open between us is because of me. Yes Initially she made a statement that he doesn't pay attention and is disruptive in class, that was a the standard parent teacher conference. I spoke with him, he said he would be better and I never heard from the teacher again with an update. I assumed all was fine, but after a month I sent a letter asking how he was doing. The letter I got back basically stated that he was out of control, didn't listen, pay attention, did whatever he wanted etc.. basically a wild animal.

She was describing a completely different child than the one I knew. Even the principal of the school knows my son because he stops in her office on his own just to say hello a few times a week, a respectful lovable kid.

luckily we have constant communication with his teacher, but its usually him saying one thing she says another. but he is the same in class, disruptive, doesnt pay attention, etc. we are pulling out our hair right there with you!

my step daughter is the same way towards our youngest, the whole why are your mommy and daddy together and mine arent. her dad does do stuff with her, but not very often. but we try and make her as much a part of this family as she lets us. but everytime the "richard family" is mentioned, she makes it clear: she is NOT a richard.

 

[HVAC Cruiser]

Re: Some Parenting Advise with a Rebellious kid

luckily we have constant communication with his teacher, but its usually him saying one thing she says another. but he is the same in class, disruptive, doesnt pay attention, etc. we are pulling out our hair right there with you!

my step daughter is the same way towards our youngest, the whole why are your mommy and daddy together and mine arent. her dad does do stuff with her, but not very often. but we try and make her as much a part of this family as she lets us. but everytime the "richard family" is mentioned, she makes it clear: she is NOT a richard.

You are lucky that the teacher is how she is. My friend John's adopted son Jesse was like what you are describing, but he also had violent tendencies until they got the medication right it was a living hell.

With your step daughter if you are like me you probably find yourself over compensating. I tend to bend over backwards trying to make her feel part of everything. What I have found is its bad enough kids that age with puberty add a blended family and it turns into a nightmare.