Crushing my daughters dream

[backyardhockey3]

well it might not be that bad, but it feels like it. My daughter (14 yo) wants to play hockey on a team that travels. A lot of travel. There is also a local team to look at. She loves to play and correctly thinks that she will play against better competition and get better coaching on the travel team. She is good, but not good enough to ever get a scholarship.

The cost of the added travel will kill me. The thought of many, many weekends of hotel to rink to hotel to rink to hotel to rink (4 games in 36 hours or so) almost makes me sick as I have done tournaments in the past.

She is a great kid and not spoiled at all and just loves to skate. I know I will hate it if I agree to the travel, but how do I tell her "no" when it's all she thinks about?

 

[emoney]

Re: Crushing my daughters dream

You don't...tell her no that is. Just my opinion, but if you need to, sell something to fund it, just don't let her know you needed to. No shame in it, but in my world kids don't need to know about "how Santa buys his gifts". And before anyone jumps in with crazy ideas, yes I believe it's important for kids to learn the value of money and sacrifice. But they will have the rest of their lives to deal with that lesson. They'll only be 14 playing on a travel hockey team ONCE. And one day, the "sacrifice" she learns about, will be the one her parent made in order for her to be happy. There is NO better lesson.

 

[colbyt]

Re: Crushing my daughters dream

You did a pretty good job in your post. If you polish that a bit you should be good to go. I would stress the hardship on the family unit and minimize the part about her skill levels. Life is choices and it is never to early to start teaching solid values.

 

[JB]

Re: Crushing my daughters dream

I am with emoney on this. To pursue a dream is life's highest calling. To make that pursuit possible is heroic.

 

[nwcove]

Re: Crushing my daughters dream

i have two sons, both in university now, but one was on the provincial wrestling team....university team now ( huge amt of travel), and the other still plays hockey at the junior level while attending university. the only way we could cover the costs for both was do trip sharing with other parents, and co-share the cost of hotel rooms etc. sure we (parents) missed alot of tournaments etc, but the kids still got to do the things the love to do. my thought was.....they could be doing other , less, holsom things, so why not do what it takes to keep them focused on the good things.

 

[jkust]

Re: Crushing my daughters dream

That's a tough scenario. We've got friends who have sold their house in order that their daughter can continue to compete in golf. We thought it was extreme. At the end of the day life isn't fair and it isn't supposed to be. This is a yearly discussion amongst our friends with kids. I think it's easy for us to tell you to sell something or otherwise find a way. I presume you have already taken those options in to account and found it won't work.

 

[CoffeeHound]

Re: Crushing my daughters dream

Hate to be a conservitive party pooper but after raising 6 kids like I did,, you will learn that No is no!! Or if your allowence will cover your bills ,, you can go for it ! Daddies little darling is no excuse to not be firm in your beliefs of fair is fair all the way around !!

 

[kenmyfam]

Re: Crushing my daughters dream

5 grown up children. Sharing the travel "load" with other parents not only keeps costs down but costs you less time as well. That's what we did. Just a thought though.
Good luck with however this turns out for you.

 

[ajgraz]

Re: Crushing my daughters dream

We know parents who are into the whole travel/competitive sports thing, mostly soccer here in So Cal, baseball and hockey back where the wife's old friends are in Chicago/WI. They are all miserable, have no free time, and many of them are divorced. They talk about nothing but the sport--it's almost cult-like. Their kids have no free time, no "play" time outside of that sport, and their grades suffer. Of about 20 "cases" I know of, 1 kid got a full scholarship (didn't go pro), another got a year-to-year and washed out after 1 year.

To me, it's much more important (and valuable) to have the kids focus on their grades, to develop "normal" social relationships, and to have a lot less "structured" time outside of school.

 

[nwcove]

Re: Crushing my daughters dream

We know parents who are into the whole travel/competitive sports thing, mostly soccer here in So Cal, baseball and hockey back where the wife's old friends are in Chicago/WI. They are all miserable, have no free time, and many of them are divorced. They talk about nothing but the sport--it's almost cult-like. Their kids have no free time, no "play" time outside of that sport, and their grades suffer. Of about 20 "cases" I know of, 1 kid got a full scholarship (didn't go pro), another got a year-to-year and washed out after 1 year.

To me, it's much more important (and valuable) to have the kids focus on their grades, to develop "normal" social relationships, and to have a lot less "structured" time outside of school.

i do agree with the fact that kids and parents have to balance the priorities....for kids its not sacrificing education for sport, for parents its not sacrificing "a life" for sport. BUT, structured time outside of school is also very important for kids , especially kids in their early teens. sure let them be kids, but as parents we need to do our best to keep them from being the kids you see in the shadows at the rink, soccer field etc.....smoking things they shouldnt, drinking things they shouldnt, you've seen the ones im talking about.

 

[emoney]

Re: Crushing my daughters dream

Sure there are "fanatics" in a lot things, not just sports. But I don't think we're talking about that type scenario. Playing a sport is part of being "well rounded" and it teaches things that can't be taught otherwise. I would hope the decision to play a travel sport isn't to "make it big" or "earn a free ride", but more about playing to the appropriate level of competition. Travel sports at least teaches kids that it takes WORK to accomplish things and there is a winner and a loser in the game. Nothing wrong with the "everyone's a champion" ideology, but that doesn't tend to reflect "life". And in this particular instance, it seems to be about "fulfilling a dream". We, as parents, don't get to fill many of those holes. Funny thing is, she may decide after the "season" is over, she now hates it and is ready to move on. But at least that question has been answered.

My kids are now 24 and 22 and man I'd love to have "one more season" of being that miserable parent. I mean, it's cool watching them mature into adults, but still..... But know this, backyardhockey, NONE of us make all the "right choices" because sadly enough, there's no Factory Service Manual for Kids. Don't we wish there were. If you can't find a way to make the suffering part work, and I remember that part too and don't miss a minute of it, there's absolutely nothing wrong with choosing not to do it. But I will leave you with this; for several years I was supposed to build the kids a large outdoor playset. I kept "putting it off until next year". At this age, they still remind me that I never did. Oh, we laugh and joke about it, but there's that part of me that searches the web for "time machine plans" to go back and change that little part of my past.

 

[nwcove]

Re: Crushing my daughters dream

the last paragraph of emoneys post......sums it up perfectly, and couldnt be more real ! ( emoney, if you find the plans for the time machine....plz forward them!!)

 

[colbyt]

Re: Crushing my daughters dream

I would imagine that all of us who have raised children would love the emoney time machine for one purpose or another. I know I would.

I also know I do not regret and would not change teaching reality at an early age. Life is about choices. You can make good ones or feel good ones.

I am the proud parent of 3 contributing members of the current sad society.

 

[888]

Re: Crushing my daughters dream

This wont be the last time she is left down. She'll get over it. Might as well start young figuring out that you don't get everything you want.

 

[CharlieB]

Re: Crushing my daughters dream

.......................She is good, but not good enough to ever get a scholarship.
.................................

Does SHE know this?

Suggest playing local THIS year and see if she improves well enough to re-consider the traveling team NEXT year.

It at least gives YOU time to better plan financing, co-sharing, whatever other options may come to light.

Involve Daughter in saving $ towards next year.

 

[Kiwi Phil]

Re: Crushing my daughters dream

I'm with emoney too. Try and find a way to distribute the costs and time so it works for you, and let the kid go for it.

Cheers
Phillip

 

[82rude]

Re: Crushing my daughters dream

if its going to kill you money wise she will just have to get over it.i love my daughter dearly but after several years of i need money dad i finally said no more!guess what? she still loves me and is getting on with life quite well.sometime you just have to say no ,nomatter how hard it is.you have to live also as does the rest of the family.rep hockey in canada is horribly expensive my american friends.opps im assuming he,s from canada if not its still costly enough i assume in the u.s.a.

 

[NYBo]

Re: Crushing my daughters dream

We know parents who are into the whole travel/competitive sports thing, mostly soccer here in So Cal, baseball and hockey back where the wife's old friends are in Chicago/WI. They are all miserable, have no free time, and many of them are divorced. They talk about nothing but the sport--it's almost cult-like. Their kids have no free time, no "play" time outside of that sport, and their grades suffer. Of about 20 "cases" I know of, 1 kid got a full scholarship (didn't go pro), another got a year-to-year and washed out after 1 year.

To me, it's much more important (and valuable) to have the kids focus on their grades, to develop "normal" social relationships, and to have a lot less "structured" time outside of school.

I agree completely. Having known families who were into this, it consumed their lives. However, they also had a bit of the "living my failed dreams through my children" syndrome going on, which you don't appear to suffer. There is this insidious tendency for the trappings of professional sports to seep downward, and it's inappropriate for kids' sports, IMO. Add the undue economic burden on you, and it's even worse (the families I referred to were well able to afford it). Club hockey is expensive enough. At 14, she should be old enough to understand your point of view, although she may handle it poorly emotionally.

 

[POINTER94]

Re: Crushing my daughters dream

I highly question the validity of these so called travel teams. I have friends who are high school coaches who had to cut some of these national travel team players from the high school team. The parents went nuts. It is about money not talent. It is a business and someone is making a living off all the fees. I have had other friends that paid enough money in these programs for the daughters to get scholarships that they could have paid for their college education. Not an exaggeration. I also have friends whose kids are in the third grade playing hockey all over the country. Seriously I have a hard time hearing how much they love it. They are 8, and the cost is THOUSANDS of dollars for each kid, and then comes baseball season.

It is one thing for you or your wife to make reasonable sacrifices, but if it impacts the rest of the family I would see that as a problem. Lets face it scouts will find talent. Heck they find shortstops in the jungles of Ecuador who never played with anything but a rock rolled up in an old sock and an old broom handle. And to think that only kids who hav eparents who can afford such programs have talent is silly.

To deny your kids opportunity is wrong, but can the local team provide the lessons and joy of sport without the expense? Only you can establish that value. I would make huge sacrifices for a college education, but my experiences with these teams would lead me to not let my kids participate if begged by the coach and it was free. My day is coming my kids are 3 and 5...

Either way I wish you the best with your decision...

 

[foodfisher]

Re: Crushing my daughters dream

Not good enough skills = disappointment on her travels = away from home temptations = real problems. I vote for doing it at home around loving guidance.