Do you believe people can change?

[jay_merrill]

Re: Do you believe people can change?

People can change. The fifty dollar question is are they ready to change.

You have enough on your plate right now - get yourself back on track and "save" someone else later.

I'm not telling you not to be compasionate, or not to give someone a chance. I'm just saying that you have to be in a good place yourself first.

 

[SuzukiChopper]

Re: Do you believe people can change?

2008 was a year of change for me. Day before my birthday in '08 (Jan 4th) I kicked my ex out the door after being with her for 10 years. She was dragging me down and I felt that I was dragging her down. A vicious cycle. I then set out to find 'me' because without really knowing myself I knew there was NO way I could be in a happy relationship. I did things I never would have done before and did them to test myself. I took a leap and switched careers. Went from a software developer to management. I did a solo motorcycle ride on a wing and prayer. Wanted to make Montreal but only made Toronto (broke down), took the train to Montreal. I had a one night stand and found out I'm not the kind of person that can deal with that. Met someone new who was in the process of changing jobs. Then I was raided (long story and not part of my 'test'), thrown in jail for the day and then got the call that I was suspended without pay from my job the minute I got into my lawyers car. Ultimately I was let go from my job, haven't been charged with anything, all my electronic possessions are gone and now I'm starting from scratch. The last event has shown me who my true friends are, who does care for me, and who is willing to pay back favors. It's also made me think about my life and what I want to do with myself and where I actually 'fit'. It's also made me appreciate the people that care about me, something I took for granted before. This new lady I met has also moved in with me, has been a HUGE support through everything and actually WANTS to HELP me. Haven't had that in a relationship before. I give, she gives... a wonderful lady.

My point is, if you haven't had the chance before, and even if you have but you lost track of it because of whatever reason, FIND YOU. If who you are has been skewed because of some unfortunate event and that event has made you something you aren't... take the time to get back to YOU. Without that you will only fall back into the same traps over and over and over again. It won't only hurt you, but it'll make a relationship impossible and will hurt the people that love and care for you. Bottom line, yes people can change... for the best and the worst. Sometimes the change process just needs the right people in your life at the right time to motivate the change to go in the right direction, but it isn't just one person that will make it happen.

 

[jonesg]

Re: Do you believe people can change?

The girl I'm talking about in particular here is saying she's working on changing.

its a bit of a red flag again,
people only change when the pain of where they are is greater than the fear of what they must do. Pain is the touchstone of spiritual growth.
Its commonly said that there is no growth (change) without pain, we tend to want to stay where we are and complain.

Its not something you can do by "working on it" because its not a process, its an event that happens when certain steps are taken. Working on it implies they still want to control something that is obviously out of control.

You are doing alright for 21. The fact that you are asking is good, and there is a depth of mature wisdom here on this site that is right on.
Whether you can heed it is up to you.

 

[Tyme2fish]

Re: Do you believe people can change?

The Red Green Show
Man's Prayer


I'm a man...
But I can change....
If I have to...

 

[rogerwa]

Re: Do you believe people can change?

Ok so take this feedback with the upmost repsect, as some of the things I mention I fight with all the time and have built ways to deal with.

On your last post, it struck me that you are surprised that she is interested in you. This struck me because it says that you are not all that high on yourself.

While it may seem like it, finding a mate is not all about looks and finances. Women are drawn to confidence and assuredness. You have to see the worth in yourself before you can expect someone else to see it.

When I met my wife, I was a tech school student from a blue collar backround and she was college student from a well off backround. I felt pretty intimidated by her friends and family (little did I know that a lot of my insecurity was because of the insecurities of my parents). But I soon realized that it was all in my head, that some of her college friends were idiots, and that there was nothing wrong with me or what I was doing. She had no problem with it, she saw the promise in me and knew I was intelligent (not so sure her father did though).

I have been married for 18 years and still have to talk to myself (in Stuart Smalley language - Your good enough, smart enough, and doggone it people like me) when things are down.

You have a choice when finding a mate. Just as she needs to pick you, you need to pick her. Understand what is right for you and what you need in a partner. People who settle, which is what this sounds like, tend to be unhappy.

Now, I don't know you and I don't know her. I just know that a woman who hasn't gotten her GED would not fulfill me. I would also question her past. when the going gets tough, that is the time people revert to who they really are. Are you perfectly comfortable with that premise and who she currenlty is.

Also, don't get distracted by the dating. Everyone is at their best while dating. You have to objectively look at the whole package.

I am not advocating not seeing this woman. I guess what it boils down to is that you need to build confidence and find worth in yourself. Put yourself in postions that will put you in contact with the type of women you want to be around.

Volunteering at church is always a popular one. There are christian dating organizations that may be useful.

There are lots of women out there just looking for a good upstanding man. They just have not found you yet.

 

[fdmsiv]

Re: Do you believe people can change?

People can change but...

There is no explanation of the "legal troubles" your lady friend is in. If she was using toddlers as coke mules or conning the old, uneducated, or the well meaning people of this world that is one thing. I don't think this type of predatory behavior can change overnight or at all for that matter. The above examples are extreme but you really need to know who you are dealing with. I am not saying that this person is doing these things, just using examples

 

[JB]

Re: Do you believe people can change?

Who we are is formed by our interpretations of everything that has ever happened to us, but the core of our being is formed before 7 years old.

New experiences evolve our behavior and, to some extent, our beliefs about causes and effects in life. Traumatic experiences usually have more effect than day-to-day experiences, depending on our interpretations of those experiences.

Do people change? Well, they may evolve, but suddenly "seeing the light" is something that only happens in B movies and revival tents. Those sudden adoptions of self righteousness rarely are more than skin deep.

The most dramatic evolutions of who people are that I have seen is what happens with the valid acquisition of true self esteem and the discard of free floating anger that causes habitual defiance of societal norms.

Nobody likes people who don't like themselves. Most people like people who like and respect themselves. They usually like and respect others as well.

 

[wildmaninal]

Re: Do you believe people can change?

Shortly after getting divorced and having a string of worthless women come my way I realized my standards were way too low. I had to decide if I was just going for a quick ride or if I was looking for a long term partner. I decided I had enough of drinking and funny business. I would quit seeing a girl at the first sign of stupidity. Most girls made it about 2 weeks at the longest. I had a long list of basic requirements.

Must have a job. I didnt car what, just have and keep a job.
NOT living with parents or relatives. she could be renting a room from a friend or own a house, I didnt care.
Own a car. could be a rusty pile of bolts, I didnt care.
drinking and smoking only in moderation. no drugs, no drunks and no chain smokers.
Must have a checking account. again, dont care if there is $13 in the account, but yo umust show you can handle it.

these simple rules excluded 9 out of 10 girls out there. the 9 were fun till you got what you needed, but then they were of no use to me.

I dated a girl who had in the past done her share of drugs. I told her from day one If she does any of that garbage to not even call me. She was clean while we where dating, and I treated her like a queen, but one day she quit calling. I knew and she knew. She picked drugs over me and that was that. to this day no hard feelings, we bump in to each other once in a while and she has been clean for 4 years now, but too late.

People can change IF THEY WANT THE CHANGE. I used to be a drunken womanizing arseclown but now I only have a beer here and there and have been seeing the same girl for over 4 years now.

Those set understandings about the drug use is understandable, it's a shame that she chose drugs over you . This girl doesn't have a car or driver's license (due to the charge against her). I don't really care about if she has license or a car or not, she has been finding her way around so far.

You should take Phil's words as bible, they're very true. Set your expectation high but don't go too far beyond your own league. Some will disagree with me on this but there are definetely different levels of playing field. Like Phil said, you have to see things from a perspective of a woman looking for a mate/partner. In the end, your relationship is your business, your decision, your consequences. Take others advices into consideration but don't let them totally dictate your decision. It's your life man, live how you want it and be ready to accept the consequences. Happiness is all in how one defines it. Whatever float your boat!

I respect all of Phil's input. When you said "Happiness is all in how one difines it", may I add follow your heart.

I do understand. Was just tossing that in there as another bad situation someone was in that required change.

Any I feel you there on the bipolar part. My ex was able to hide the fact that she was bipolar, and bisexual, for over a year...small wonder it was so hard to keep her around

Shoot man I don't ever want to go with anybody who is Bipolar again!!!!

Can a person change? Yes, they can, if they want to change. But old habits are not easily broken and it takes time to change and to prove yourself.

From the sounds of your posts (and I could be ALL wrong, and if I am, please forgive me) this woman has had some recent issues that she is still dealing with. Obviously if she is still dealing with them, she hasn't had enough time to prove a true change in habits and patterns.

let me just stick this in again right here just in case anybody misses it below.
Drug paraphernalia was found in her car back in 2001 that is still lingering around her head. She had a warrent out for unpaid fines if I recall right. Then theft of property was the most recent thing back in the middle of last year, my cousin had her arrested for stealing from his change stash, then it turns out when she came back from jail some of her stuff was gone as well which I can believe seriously and there was something else minor that I can't remember the details to.


My advice would be to keep your relationship to a friendship level. No touching, nothing physical, don't do anything more with her than you would your fishing or boating buddy. From your posts it sounds like she is a good looker and interested in you, so it could be easy to let the hormones run wild and hormones have a way of clouding your vision.

Stand back and watch how she interacts with others. See how she handles her kids, her finances, etc. Make sure the changes are real and genuine. After time, if there are romantic feelings and you have observed the desired characteristics displayed in her actions, then you can move your friendship to another level.

Personal story ... I have been married almost 9 years now. Was 38 when I married. I knew the girl I married for about 12 years before we married. She was divorced, had 2 kids, and before we met did not have some of the qualities that I felt were important. But gosh was she cute! Anyway, we became friends, but I never let her know that I was interested. I watched her. When we did things together it was in a group setting, just a bunch of us getting together having some fun. I watched her get her GED. I watched her go on to business school and then get a decent job in the accounting department of a local business. I watched her handle her money and deal with her kids. I saw her get out of debt and become very self sufficient. I saw how she handled herself in different situations and I liked what I saw. Apparently she liked what she saw on this end, because we got engaged ... the day she said yes was the first time we even held hands! But I didn't have to deal with the emotional baggage to cloud my judgement. I don't know how I survived without her. She is a true gem ... a polished diamond.

So, yes, people can change. But watch from a distance and make sure she wants to change and has changed before getting hooked by your emotions.

That is awsome that you married after 12 years of knowing her. May I ask how her kids took to you at first and how do you get along now with them? She came over today, we did some job searching/applying. She stayed with me most of the day. I do know alot about her past, she was very open about it, she even proceeded to tell me a couple of things twice not remembering that she already mentioned it a week or so before.

When I first started hanging around her I fealt so freaking nervous, it's a wonder I could even talk, it's also a wonder I didn't make a complete idiot of myself :redface:. Although I did stumble on some words while talking to her today.

And a lucky one too. Most women's biological clock ticks loudly and they don't like waiting, let alone 12 yrs.

Oh yeah, wildmanimal. Never go into a relationship and expect to change the other party with much success. Their attitude, habits, etc.. is what make who they are. When those things change they become someone else and most don't like it and become unhappy. When they're unhappy, you won't be either. If you can't except her for who she is right now then look the other way. Just imagine, what if a woman want you to quit fishing because she thinks it's a bad habit. Would you be happy about that?

Her attitude is alright, I haven't found much that I frowned upon.

People can change. The fifty dollar question is are they ready to change.

You have enough on your plate right now - get yourself back on track and "save" someone else later.

I'm not telling you not to be compasionate, or not to give someone a chance. I'm just saying that you have to be in a good place yourself first.

I hear you....... I just feel with her being around maybe my spirits will lift up and I will actually be able to get out and get back on my feet, actually I hope it's more like sitting in a chair because I can't stand very long on the job .

2008 was a year of change for me. Day before my birthday in '08 (Jan 4th) I kicked my ex out the door after being with her for 10 years. She was dragging me down and I felt that I was dragging her down. A vicious cycle. I then set out to find 'me' because without really knowing myself I knew there was NO way I could be in a happy relationship. I did things I never would have done before and did them to test myself. I took a leap and switched careers. Went from a software developer to management. I did a solo motorcycle ride on a wing and prayer. Wanted to make Montreal but only made Toronto (broke down), took the train to Montreal. I had a one night stand and found out I'm not the kind of person that can deal with that. Met someone new who was in the process of changing jobs. Then I was raided (long story and not part of my 'test'), thrown in jail for the day and then got the call that I was suspended without pay from my job the minute I got into my lawyers car. Ultimately I was let go from my job, haven't been charged with anything, all my electronic possessions are gone and now I'm starting from scratch. The last event has shown me who my true friends are, who does care for me, and who is willing to pay back favors. It's also made me think about my life and what I want to do with myself and where I actually 'fit'. It's also made me appreciate the people that care about me, something I took for granted before. This new lady I met has also moved in with me, has been a HUGE support through everything and actually WANTS to HELP me. Haven't had that in a relationship before. I give, she gives... a wonderful lady.

My point is, if you haven't had the chance before, and even if you have but you lost track of it because of whatever reason, FIND YOU. If who you are has been skewed because of some unfortunate event and that event has made you something you aren't... take the time to get back to YOU. Without that you will only fall back into the same traps over and over and over again. It won't only hurt you, but it'll make a relationship impossible and will hurt the people that love and care for you. Bottom line, yes people can change... for the best and the worst. Sometimes the change process just needs the right people in your life at the right time to motivate the change to go in the right direction, but it isn't just one person that will make it happen.

I don't see myself or another relationship going in the same direction as it did with the one girl I dated years back, I'm much wiser now I believe.

The Red Green Show
Man's Prayer


I'm a man...
But I can change....
If I have to...

Lord knows I had to change, if I didn't catch myself when I did who knows where I would be now.

Ok so take this feedback with the upmost repsect, as some of the things I mention I fight with all the time and have built ways to deal with.

On your last post, it struck me that you are surprised that she is interested in you. This struck me because it says that you are not all that high on yourself.

While it may seem like it, finding a mate is not all about looks and finances. Women are drawn to confidence and assuredness. You have to see the worth in yourself before you can expect someone else to see it.

When I met my wife, I was a tech school student from a blue collar backround and she was college student from a well off backround. I felt pretty intimidated by her friends and family (little did I know that a lot of my insecurity was because of the insecurities of my parents). But I soon realized that it was all in my head, that some of her college friends were idiots, and that there was nothing wrong with me or what I was doing. She had no problem with it, she saw the promise in me and knew I was intelligent (not so sure her father did though).

I have been married for 18 years and still have to talk to myself (in Stuart Smalley language - Your good enough, smart enough, and doggone it people like me) when things are down.

You have a choice when finding a mate. Just as she needs to pick you, you need to pick her. Understand what is right for you and what you need in a partner. People who settle, which is what this sounds like, tend to be unhappy.

Now, I don't know you and I don't know her. I just know that a woman who hasn't gotten her GED would not fulfill me. I would also question her past. when the going gets tough, that is the time people revert to who they really are. Are you perfectly comfortable with that premise and who she currenlty is.

Also, don't get distracted by the dating. Everyone is at their best while dating. You have to objectively look at the whole package.

I am not advocating not seeing this woman. I guess what it boils down to is that you need to build confidence and find worth in yourself. Put yourself in postions that will put you in contact with the type of women you want to be around.

Volunteering at church is always a popular one. There are christian dating organizations that may be useful.

There are lots of women out there just looking for a good upstanding man. They just have not found you yet.

Well it didn't really "surprise me" that she was interested in me because I seen my cousin's oldest daughter whispering into her ear right in front of me so I knew it was about me but just didn't know what was said because she smiled afterwords. Yes I find it interesting that finally a nice looking woman comes my way, she isn't the greatest woman in the world but she is cute in her own way, but there has always got to be a red flag let down by my parents.

People can change but...

There is no explanation of the "legal troubles" your lady friend is in. If she was using toddlers as coke mules or conning the old, uneducated, or the well meaning people of this world that is one thing. I don't think this type of predatory behavior can change overnight or at all for that matter. The above examples are extreme but you really need to know who you are dealing with. I am not saying that this person is doing these things, just using examples

Drug paraphernalia was found in her car back in 2001 that is still lingering around her head. She had a warrent out for unpaid fines if I recall right. Then theft of property was the most recent thing back in the middle of last year, my cousin had her arrested for stealing from his change stash, then it turns out when she came back from jail some of her stuff was gone as well which I can believe seriously and there was something else minor that I can't remember the details to. Fines are what she owes, and they isn't anything over $3000, but she is on her own on trying to come up with the money. Then she had trouble with her x-husband that beat her and she back talked a police officer when they came out to investigate back a few years ago, because they were only taking her x-husbands side of the story not hers. So she spent a little time in jail for that.

 

[dlngr]

Re: Do you believe people can change?

Join tee bee dee .com [A forum for all with relationship problems and questions and more.

 

[wildmaninal]

Re: Do you believe people can change?

i have been single since 1980, married 13 years. i have had several relationships over the years. but most turned out to be "Me First" " what you can do for me" i always worked, supported myself, and one of my priorities was my partner also worked. even though i may have provided the home, cars, etc, they need their own money to spend as they please.

you need to get yourself stable, before launching into a serious relationship. your Alabama, Mama, ain't gonna take it lightly, when she gets up in the morning, and your girl friend walks out.

Oh I would never do that in the house while my parents were home. My mama is from New York, like me, but my pops is from alabama . I've been keeping an eye out for a job and a place to live, of coarse the job, or other source of income (be it disability or something) would need to come first. I have land to put a place to live, just don't have the income to buy a place and keep it up right now. I would also like a partner that worked as well if she was able to phisically do so.

Who we are is formed by our interpretations of everything that has ever happened to us, but the core of our being is formed before 7 years old.

New experiences evolve our behavior and, to some extent, our beliefs about causes and effects in life. Traumatic experiences usually have more effect than day-to-day experiences, depending on our interpretations of those experiences.

Do people change? Well, they may evolve, but suddenly "seeing the light" is something that only happens in B movies and revival tents. Those sudden adoptions of self righteousness rarely are more than skin deep.

The most dramatic evolutions of who people are that I have seen is what happens with the valid acquisition of true self esteem and the discard of free floating anger that causes habitual defiance of societal norms.

Nobody likes people who don't like themselves. Most people like people who like and respect themselves. They usually like and respect others as well.

This girl has had some traumatic experiences in her life. Beat by her husband more then once and seen a friends body dead on the floor after a suicide, and also seen her mother shreaded up after being hit by a UPS truck, although her mother did survive. She has had a few others.

I believe she likes herself, she thinks enough of herself to put makeup on and dress in decent clothing. She is shy, she does get embarrassed when she screws up while talking for example.

 

[Kiwi Phil]

Re: Do you believe people can change?

Someones post reminded me you are only 21yrs old.
I had forgotten about that, so on those grounds I wish to add something more.
1. You strike me as being pretty mature for your years. So tuck all the important facts you learn away, so you can call on them in the future.

2. I would strongly suggest you give some serious thought to your future.
You need a job that gives you long term security, lets you sit on your butt, pays very well, gives all benefits available, gives you possibility for promotion/a future.
I reckon we should start another topic on just this for you.

3. At 21, you need a "few" lady friends that you can just enjoy life with....no commitments or any of that b/s.....just enjoy your life while you are young. As for this young lady....if you can both have fun and enjoy yourself together...do it until it runs dry. If I can say this delicately, don't be the knight in shining armor saving the damselle in distress....it is all b/s....just like the lonely princess who kisses the toad and turns him into a handsome prince. It never happened and is never going to.
Have a good time....this is the time in life to do it.
If i was 21, I know exactly what I would be a-doing!!

Cheers
Phillip






I divorced from queen brown at 28yrs, and didn't move in with another woman till around 33-34yrs.
In that time, I had more girlfriends that I have fingers and thumbs.
I remember clearly Sue telling me she couldn't come to an event as she had a 'headache' (she could always develop them at a moments notice)....no worries...I rang up Beryl and she said 'yep, be ready in 30 mins'.
2 days later Sue rings and does her nanas that I had been seen out with Beryl, at 'her' outing place.....but you had a headache.......but don't you love me....not that much..... she slams down the phone....and i never rang back. About 2 weeks later, phone goes....Sue here. I'm really sorry about the other night etc etc, so how about etc etc, and i had to tell her I was NOT moving in with her and I was NOT marrying her in the next 5yrs. Went on like this for ages, then she met some other sucker more stupid than me, and I never heard from here again.
The secret is to just move on.

 

[SgtMaj]

Re: Do you believe people can change?

There are lots of women out there just looking for a good upstanding man. They just have not found you yet.

You're right, there are lots of women looking for good upstanding men. Most of them are looking to take advantage of him, and/or rip him off.

Stay single Wildman!

 

[tashasdaddy]

Re: Do you believe people can change?

so sounds like she has many problems, one speaking before thinking. talking back to cops, going to jail. no knowing when to quit. don't get me wrong, i hate any abuse, but if she had shut her mouth, she may have avoided it. i have a friend that is bi-polar. he will get on a rank, and not stop. makes you want to shut his mouth for him. apparently you have not seen her mad.

 

[chiefalen]

Re: Do you believe people can change?

Your 21 ?

My daughter is 21, and no she has a boy friend, soon to be son in law would not like it if you sniffed around her believe me.

If you are 21 then take a old geezers advice, and here it is.

Don't get married, never get married, and if a woman even coughs the m word at you start running till you hit Canada.

Have 10 girlfriends and never see the same one in the same week twice.

Meet the parents, she asks, you know it's to serious never call her again.

Date all your girlfriends, girlfriends, that way she knows you not the marring kind.

Have a different girlfriend clean your apt every day, and leave the other girlfriends underwear, hanging in the shower, this way she knows not to get freeky on ya, and to be nice to ya.

In short enjoy your life, NOW cause it don't get no better latter believe you me.

 

[jonesg]

Re: Do you believe people can change?

she back talked a police officer when they came out to investigate back a few years ago, because they were only taking her x-husbands side of the story not hers. So she spent a little time in jail for that.

you don't actually believe that do you?
went to jail for backtalking?

 

[tashasdaddy]

Re: Do you believe people can change?

it is be called interfering with an investigation. yes, they can take you to jail.

 

[Ross J]

Re: Do you believe people can change?

Change, what do people want to change for?
Personal gain?
Relationship progress?
To save a difficult situation?
To save their own lifestyle?
To please someone else or themselves?
Because they feel undersatisfied?
To stop the pain?
To step up and deal with hidden traits?

All these are emotive and driven from basically ego centered reasons. Change can occur however most of us will make small changes without people noticing, bigger changes often require some help. This is freely available from families and friends. This in turn leads us towards a catch 22 situation of needing input from some of the very people that we're trying to change to impress!
Thus the dilemmia of how driven are we to change measured against how much we really trust the people we're changing for.
Sometimes professional help is just around the corner and we need to make the decision to use it.

Remember that we all change throughout our lives and cannot avoid it even if we try. As we age we develop mentally and mature into general traits that stay with us unless we make the effort to alter it.
In our relationships we forge ahead with role orientated and family orientated styles and change when the family no longer have need of so much input.

The person in difficulty with relationships through the family as you have faces one of the most difficult changes possible. How to change without damaging ther fabric of the family itself, keeping the respect of some and gaining the respect of others?

The answer is personal, it is within each and every one of us. the strength to activate change in the self can be an enormous hurdle to make, just look at smoking cassation programs, or weight loss programs. There will always be faliur but the folk that are determined to work at it will be the ones to succeed.

In summary I believe we all make a huge leap forward when we decide to change a habit or attitude for the better. We improve greatly, but, we may not always like the result..............
Ross

 

[Mark_VTfisherman]

Re: Do you believe people can change?

"...So tuck all the important facts you learn away, so you can call on them in the future..."
"...give some serious thought to your future..."
"...You need a job..."
"...don't be the knight in shining armor saving the damselle in distress...."
"...you have to be in a good place yourself first...."

You've gotten some good advice here. I was just curiously reading till I got to the age thing, too. This will likely be a long post because I use lots of words

I don't know where you fall as far as religion goes, and that is not what I want to talk about. However, I led a 3 month study on dating and relationships at my church last year and a couple of highlights came out of that. So if you can get past the stereotype for just a sec, I want to give you a couple of things to think about.

People from 16 to 22, 25 are all worried about relationships and look at most relationships as so important, and with permanence, at least for now. High school yearbooks and college-kid facebook postings are full of "don't ever change" and "friends forever" epithets but permanence in any relationship is something that takes time and effort to develop, and isn't something that usually happens by chance. The guy that watched his now-wife for a number of years was smart, and wise.

At 21, you need to ask yourself some serious questions. I wish I did.

1] Why do you feel you can be the rescuer of this girl? No person on earth can make another person change irregardless of their value as a person or the good-heartedness of the rescuer. Don't mean to be harsh, but don't commit your life to someone who is not already where she needs to be in life. I don't mean hold out for perfection either cuz that will never happen. Time is on your side.
2] The job thing mentioned above: are you in a position to be very marketable as a potential to women in general? I am thinking of one guy I know now living with his parents, broke at age 30 because his fiance got sick of him when in the five years they lived together he never put his Master's degree to use and got a real job. And he still hasn't figured it out! Works part-time at WalMart. As noted by others, men and women both are more attractive when they take care of themselves.
3] Then there's the whole enabler/co-dependent thing. If you don't know what this is, I hope you find out from reading a book and not from a recovery program. You may be a man, but both guys and women can get themselves into this cycle, and being a rescuer of a worthy "damsel" is often part of that. Trust me on this- I know a little about it. Dead-end street. There are noble things to do that make a difference but that ain't one of 'em.
4] You can create the circumstances to increase your chance for success in all areas of your life if you act on it today. Most people in their 20s are so caught up in living the moment that they don't make plans for the later (myself included in that). What do you envision making you happy at 30? Take that backwards, and in the midst of enjoying your youth now, start doing the things that will produce what you want when you are 30, otherwise, in ten years you will be so caught up just trying to make life work that you will miss out. I am 43 and just starting to achieve what I wanted at 30 because I didn't plan ahead and life (kids, bills, divorce, job) got in the way.

Hey, you don't know me but I want to assure you that I am not judging you, but I have made some mistakes and let some of life pass by- you don't have to. I may never have been Donald Trump but I hardly have the time now to do any of the things I did in my 20's, and would love to do-over a little of my 20's to make today more satisfying. Just a little time and planning at your age would have been so easy to do, but making up for it at this stage of my life is complex, and hard.

Learn to be content and plan to be fulfilled- and love well, my friend.

 

[wildmaninal]

Re: Do you believe people can change?

so sounds like she has many problems, one speaking before thinking. talking back to cops, going to jail. no knowing when to quit. don't get me wrong, i hate any abuse, but if she had shut her mouth, she may have avoided it. i have a friend that is bi-polar. he will get on a rank, and not stop. makes you want to shut his mouth for him. apparently you have not seen her mad.

Although she may have been going to jail anyway because they believed the husband, didn't bother taking her side of the story. She was actually talking to her mother, she told her mother "this is BS" (but she said the words) and the cop over heard her and asked her to repeat herself, she told the cop that she was talking to her mother, the cop didn't care about that he wanted to know what was said, and she told him. Off to jail she went.

Your 21 ?

My daughter is 21, and no she has a boy friend, soon to be son in law would not like it if you sniffed around her believe me.

If you are 21 then take a old geezers advice, and here it is.

Don't get married, never get married, and if a woman even coughs the m word at you start running till you hit Canada.

Have 10 girlfriends and never see the same one in the same week twice.

Meet the parents, she asks, you know it's to serious never call her again.

Date all your girlfriends, girlfriends, that way she knows you not the marring kind.

Have a different girlfriend clean your apt every day, and leave the other girlfriends underwear, hanging in the shower, this way she knows not to get freeky on ya, and to be nice to ya.

In short enjoy your life, NOW cause it don't get no better latter believe you me.

I'm 29, I believe phil may be talking about another Iboats member. This girl is only 5 years older then me. Unless you are talking to the one phil was talking to, I'm confused now lol. Phil you got everybody thrown off track now ,. What I wouldn't give to be 21 again.

Heck I was 21 or 22 when I started dating the one bipolar girl.

it is be called interfering with an investigation. yes, they can take you to jail.

I thought the same thing. The charge that was brought against her on that deal with her husband has been taken care of, but most likely it's still on her record. It's these other charges well mainly fines or fees that she is worried about.

Change, what do people want to change for?
Personal gain?
Relationship progress?
To save a difficult situation?
To save their own lifestyle?
To please someone else or themselves?
Because they feel undersatisfied?
To stop the pain?
To step up and deal with hidden traits?

All these are emotive and driven from basically ego centered reasons. Change can occur however most of us will make small changes without people noticing, bigger changes often require some help. This is freely available from families and friends. This in turn leads us towards a catch 22 situation of needing input from some of the very people that we're trying to change to impress!
Thus the dilemmia of how driven are we to change measured against how much we really trust the people we're changing for.
Sometimes professional help is just around the corner and we need to make the decision to use it.

Remember that we all change throughout our lives and cannot avoid it even if we try. As we age we develop mentally and mature into general traits that stay with us unless we make the effort to alter it.
In our relationships we forge ahead with role orientated and family orientated styles and change when the family no longer have need of so much input.

The person in difficulty with relationships through the family as you have faces one of the most difficult changes possible. How to change without damaging ther fabric of the family itself, keeping the respect of some and gaining the respect of others?

The answer is personal, it is within each and every one of us. the strength to activate change in the self can be an enormous hurdle to make, just look at smoking cassation programs, or weight loss programs. There will always be faliur but the folk that are determined to work at it will be the ones to succeed.

In summary I believe we all make a huge leap forward when we decide to change a habit or attitude for the better. We improve greatly, but, we may not always like the result..............
Ross

I'm not saying I want to change her, she has been on some not so good habits in the past and she claims she's been clean for a while now. I know I changed my old habits without any professional help even though I may not of been on them for as long as she was. I just told my mother to change the phone number and I wrote a letter to my mother confessing my problems. It really wasn't till I had a "friend" shut the door in my face, he new he was addicted and heard that I was having second thoughts of being around this mess, I went to his place and he met me at the door, that was the end of my troubles, I was clean from then on.

Now she is up here staying with a relative, neither my uncle or my cousin does drugs so she doesn't have any body to push her back into that situation. She really is in a safe place, even though they had a run in about that theft deal.

You've gotten some good advice here. I was just curiously reading till I got to the age thing, too. This will likely be a long post because I use lots of words

I don't know where you fall as far as religion goes, and that is not what I want to talk about. However, I led a 3 month study on dating and relationships at my church last year and a couple of highlights came out of that. So if you can get past the stereotype for just a sec, I want to give you a couple of things to think about.

People from 16 to 22, 25 are all worried about relationships and look at most relationships as so important, and with permanence, at least for now. High school yearbooks and college-kid facebook postings are full of "don't ever change" and "friends forever" epithets but permanence in any relationship is something that takes time and effort to develop, and isn't something that usually happens by chance. The guy that watched his now-wife for a number of years was smart, and wise.

At 21, you need to ask yourself some serious questions. I wish I did.

1] Why do you feel you can be the rescuer of this girl? No person on earth can make another person change irregardless of their value as a person or the good-heartedness of the rescuer. Don't mean to be harsh, but don't commit your life to someone who is not already where she needs to be in life. I don't mean hold out for perfection either cuz that will never happen. Time is on your side.
2] The job thing mentioned above: are you in a position to be very marketable as a potential to women in general? I am thinking of one guy I know now living with his parents, broke at age 30 because his fiance got sick of him when in the five years they lived together he never put his Master's degree to use and got a real job. And he still hasn't figured it out! Works part-time at WalMart. As noted by others, men and women both are more attractive when they take care of themselves.
3] Then there's the whole enabler/co-dependent thing. If you don't know what this is, I hope you find out from reading a book and not from a recovery program. You may be a man, but both guys and women can get themselves into this cycle, and being a rescuer of a worthy "damsel" is often part of that. Trust me on this- I know a little about it. Dead-end street. There are noble things to do that make a difference but that ain't one of 'em.
4] You can create the circumstances to increase your chance for success in all areas of your life if you act on it today. Most people in their 20s are so caught up in living the moment that they don't make plans for the later (myself included in that). What do you envision making you happy at 30? Take that backwards, and in the midst of enjoying your youth now, start doing the things that will produce what you want when you are 30, otherwise, in ten years you will be so caught up just trying to make life work that you will miss out. I am 43 and just starting to achieve what I wanted at 30 because I didn't plan ahead and life (kids, bills, divorce, job) got in the way.

Hey, you don't know me but I want to assure you that I am not judging you, but I have made some mistakes and let some of life pass by- you don't have to. I may never have been Donald Trump but I hardly have the time now to do any of the things I did in my 20's, and would love to do-over a little of my 20's to make today more satisfying. Just a little time and planning at your age would have been so easy to do, but making up for it at this stage of my life is complex, and hard.

Learn to be content and plan to be fulfilled- and love well, my friend.

That is another one of my pet peeves, I do my best not to judge anybody.

 

[jonesg]

Re: Do you believe people can change?

What I wouldn't give to be 21 again.

aacchh , no thanks, having to smoke all that pot again.!