Jotd

[mommicked]

Definition of " Artificial Intelligence "









When a blonde dyes her hair to become a brunette ............Dedicated to Sasto, cause I hear laughter is the best medicine

 

[sasto]

Re: Jotd

Thanks, mommicked.......Some good medicine.

 

[mommicked]

Re: Jotd

I hoped you had'nt heard it before ( I had'nt ) and hope it put a smile on your face. I'm glad to hear you're feeling better........................................I encourage others to add their own humor to this thread in hope it may help comfort you through your battle like the other thread. Good luck and I hope your weekend is AWESOME. ( please excuse my redneck grammar :facepalm )

 

[nlain]

Re: Jotd

Redneck grammer, ain't that just plain english?

 

[mommicked]

Re: Jotd

It is for me! I am a highschool dropout who did well in all subjects except English. I am proud to be a Redneck, but not so much for my rightin.................sent from boafff my henpeckin, pointin fangers

 

[NW Redneck]

Re: Jotd

................sent from boafff my henpeckin, pointin fangers

I don't care who ya are, that's funny right there.

A man is hiking through a national park and comes upon a river he wants to cross. After walking along the river bank for a while looking for a crossing place he comes upon a blonde woman on the opposite bank. He call across to her "How do I get to the other side?" She calls back:






"You dummy, you ARE on the other side!"

 

[sasto]

Re: Jotd

Doctor told me I have cancer and Alzheimer's.........Man, I'm glad I don't have cancer.

 

[foodfisher]

Re: Jotd

ZZAAPP! What? Humor right?

 

[FlaCowboy]

Re: Jotd

This morning on the Interstate,
I looked over to my left and there was a
Woman In a brand new Cadillac doing 65 mph
With her Face up next to her
Rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner.

I looked away for a couple seconds...
to continue shaving
And when I looked back she was
Halfway over in my lane,
Still working on that makeup.
As a man, I don't scare easily.
But she scared me so much;
I dropped My electric shaver
Which knocked The donut
Out of my other hand.
In all the confusion of trying
To straighten out the car
Using my knees against
The steering wheel,
It knocked My Cell Phone
Away from my ear
Which fell Into the coffee
Between my legs!
Splashed, And burned Big Jim and the Twins,
Ruined the damn phone,
Soaked my trousers,
And disconnected an important call...

Damn women drivers

 

[FlaCowboy]

Re: Jotd

One more...

Y'all kin say whut y'all want 'about the South,
but y'all never heard o' nobody retirin' an' movin' North.

just saying

 

[64osby]

Re: Jotd

I had to look the title up, used the urban dictionary site. Still hoping it was the second definition.

 

[mommicked]

Re: Jotd

A cocky young DEA agent approaches an old farmer on his Texas ranch and tells the old man "I'm with the DEA and I am here to check your land for illegal drug growing activity". The farmer replies " that's fine by me, but stay out of that field over there " as he points to a fenced pasture. The agent gets angry and proudly sticks his badge in the farmers face " you see this badge? this badge means I can go anywhere, anytime, on anyone's property w/o any permission you dumb hic" and he stomps off towards the field. A few minutes later he is screaming and running for his life while an enormous, angry Bull is right on his heels.














the farmers walks to the gate and yells "SHOW'IM YOUR BADGE, SHOW'IM YOUR BADGE!!"

 

[Bob_VT]

Re: Jotd

At The Pearly Gates


A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket and jeans.
Saint Peter addresses this cool guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"
"I'm Peter Pilot, retired United Airlines Pilot from Chicago," the guy replies.
Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the pilot, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom."
The pilot goes into Heaven with his robe and staff.
Next it's the minister's turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary's in Pasadena for the last 43 years."
Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom."
"Just a minute," says the minister, "that man was a pilot and he gets a silken robe and golden staff, and I get only cotton and wood. How can this be?"
"Up here, we work by results," says Saint Peter. "While you preached, people slept; while he flew, people prayed."

 

[Tim Frank]

Re: Jotd

An elderly man lay dying in his bed.
In death's final agony, as he started to slip away, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs.
He gathered his remaining strength and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs. Gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs defying the pull of Morpheus.

With labored breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the
kitchen. Were it not for the immense pain caused by his extreme exertions, he would have thought himself already in heaven for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table, were hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted
wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, with tears in his eyes, he threw himself toward the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted: the wondrous taste of the sweet biscuit was already mentally in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life. He felt renewed strength pulsate through his body.

The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to one lone biscuit at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife......

"F#*! off! " she said, "they're for the funeral."

 

[Tim Frank]

Re: Jotd

I've had this one for a while and had always thought it was most likely just an Urban Legend. Snopes (FWIW) actually has now verified it as "True".

FBI agents conducted a "search and seizure" at the Southwood Psychiatric
Hospital in San Diego, which was under investigation for medical insurance
fraud. After hours of poring over many rooms of financial records, some
sixty FBI agents worked up quite an appetite. The case agent in charge of
the investigation called a local pizza parlor with delivery service to order
a quick dinner for his colleagues.
The following telephone conversation took place:

Agent: Hello. I would like to order nineteen large pizzas and sixty-seven
cans of soda.
Pizza man: And where would you like them delivered?
Agent: To the Southwood Psychiatric Hospital.
Pizza man: To the psychiatric hospital?
Agent: That's right. I'm an FBI agent.
Pizza man: You're an FBI agent?
Agent: That's correct. Just about everybody here is.
Pizza man: And you're at the psychiatric hospital?
Agent: That's correct. And make sure you don't go through the front doors.
We have them locked. You'll have to go around to the back to the service
entrance to deliver the pizzas.
Pizza man: And you say you're all FBI agents?
Agent: That's right. How soon can you have them here?
Pizza man: And you're over at Southwood?
Agent: That's right. How soon can you have them here?
Pizza man: And everyone at Southwood is an FBI agent?
Agent: That's right. We've been here all day and we're starving.
Pizza man: How are you going to pay for this?
Agent: I have my check book right here.
Pizza man: And you are all FBI agents?
Agent: That's right, everyone here is an FBI agent. Can you remember to
bring the pizzas and sodas to the service entrance in the rear? We have the
front doors locked.

Pizza man: I don't think so.
......Click.

 

[Bob_VT]

Re: Jotd

The Preacher and the Cowboy



A Baptist preacher was seated next to a cowboy on a flight to Texas . After the plane took off, the cowboy asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him. The flight attendant then asked the preacher if he would like a drink.


Appalled, the preacher replied, “I’d rather be tied up and taken advantage of by women of ill-repute, than let liquor touch my lips.”


The cowboy then handed his drink back to the flight attendant and said, “Me too, I didn’t know we had a choice.”

 

[FlaCowboy]

Re: Jotd

A large jet plane crashed on a farm in the middle of rural Kentucky.
Panic stricken, the local sheriff mobilized and descended on the
farm in force.

By the time they got there, the aircraft was totally destroyed with
only a burned hull left smoldering in a tree line that bordered the
farm.

The sheriff and his men entered the smoking mess but could find no
remains of anyone. They spotted the farmer plowing a field not too
far away as if nothing had happened.

They hurried over to the man's tractor.

"Hank," the sheriff yelled, panting and out of breath. "Did you
see this terrible accident happen?"

"Yep. Sure did," the farmer mumbled unconcerned, cutting off the
tractor's engine.

"Do you realize that is Air Force One, the airplane of the
President of the United States ?"

"Yep."

"Were there any survivors?"

"Nope. They's all kilt straight out," the farmer answered. "I done
buried them all myself. Took me most of the morning."

"President Obama is dead?" the sheriff asked.

"Well," the farmer grumbled, restarting his tractor.

"He kept a-saying he wasn't... But you know how bad that
sumbitch lies...

 

[Jeep Man]

Re: Jotd

Our buddy Sasto was in an interview line to get a job on a ship. When his turn came the Captain asked, " Have you ever worked on a ship? "Of course", says Sasto. "I've captained ships, I've rebuilt ships, I've modified ships, I've done it all." "Ok", replies the Captain. "What's the back of the ship called?" Sasto answers "The stern". "Ok, what's the left side called?" "Port", he replied. This was followed by a litany of questions about his experience and virtually every part of the ship. Finally the captain agreed to give him a try.
The next guy in line was given a job without one question being asked. Sasto went to the Captain and asked what was up. Why was he grilled and the next guy got a pass. The Captain said, "That next guy had an honest face."
Next day Sasto and the other guy were swabbing the deck when a huge wave washed the other guy off the deck. Sasto watched him bobbing in the waves, going under the boat, coming up at the stern, caught in the prop wash, and finally drifting out of sight.
Sasto picked up his mop, searched the boat for the Captain, and upon finding him said, " You remember that guy you hired with the honest face?" " Yes", he said. "Well,............He just buggered off with one of your mops."

 

[mommicked]

Re: Jotd

SCAM ALERT FOR OLDER MEN!!! I would like to warn everyone about a scam that has cost me $$$ I don't have. I was leaving wallyworld the other day when 2 very attractive, scantily dressed younger women approached me and started cleaning my dirty windsheild w rags and a bottle of windex. It was hard not to notice their nubile, young bodies were falling all out of their clothes as they washed my windows. I loaded my stuff into my truck and tried to tip them but they said a ride to MickeyDs would be better for them. Once on the road they began to undress and crawl all over me almost causing me to crash . I found out after dropping them off that my wallet was missing ............this happened to me on Sept. 1, 3rd, 4th, 6th, 7th, and twice on the 9th at different locations, Home depot, Foodlion etc. and quite possibly will happen again this weekend. I want to get the word out about this clever scam before anyone else is robbed like this.....................I have found cheap wallets for sale for 99 cents at the Dollar Store and have already bought all the stock from 3 local stores. Please use caution and protect yourself from this scam!!!

 

[Tim Frank]

Re: Jotd

Sometimes simple is a nice feature....
And for those under the age of 50 , an Etch-a-Sketch was AutoCad 0.001.

Frequently Asked Questions for Etch-A-Sketch Technical Support.


Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has all of these funny little lines all over the screen.
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: What's the shortcut for Undo?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I create a New Document window?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I set the background and foreground to the same color?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: What is the proper procedure for rebooting my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I save my Etch-A-Sketch document?
A: Don't pick it up and shake it.