Jotd

[Tim Frank]

Re: Jotd

You Know It's Your Last Day at Work When..

1> You hand a bank teller an envelope, and when she asks, "What's this?" you realize you just dropped the company's deposit in a mailbox.
2> A woman comes into the store, you turn to the other salesman and say, "I waited on the last fat ugly old lady. This one's your turn." Your boss is standing behind you. It's his wife.
3>While your boss is at lunch, you sneak in and look at some confidential information on his computer. You spill coffee on the keyboard. It shorts out.
4>You return from a week's vacation to find that you had scheduled *this* week as vacation, not last week.
5>You take a "sick" day. The next morning the boss asks you, "So, how was the fishing on Rock Creek yesterday?"

 

[NewfieDan]

Re: Jotd

This will keep you busy for a few days. It is another forum I belong to.

EDIT

 

[mommicked]

Re: Jotd

The preachers son was coming of age and soon would be a young man on his way to college. He decided a test was in order to see what kind of man he might be. While the boy was at school one day he went into his room and left the following on his table. A bible, a bottle of Whiskey, a silver dollar, and a Playboy magazine, and hid behind the door until he came home. He assumed if the boy picked up the bible he was going to be a preacher like his father. If he picked up the Whiskey, he would be a no good drunkard. If he picked up the dollar a businessman, OK w him and if he picked up the magazine he was gonna be a womanizin skirt chaser............the boy walked in and saw the stuff on the table. He picked up the dollar and put it in his pocket, he opened the Whiskey and took a big, long swig. he picked up the Playboy and opened it to the centerfold admireing the picture a momment, and then the bible, that he tucked under his arm w the magazine, and w the bottle in his hand, he walked out the door......................Dangit! thought the preacher...........................










he's gonna be a congressman.

 

[southkogs]

Re: Jotd

...he's gonna be a congressman.

Bravo.

 

[Tim Frank]

Re: Jotd

Reasons To Like Beer by 7 Year Olds

A handful of 7 year old children were asked, 'what they thought of beer.' Some interesting responses, but the last one is especially touching.

Tim- 'I think beer must be good. My dad says the more beer he drinks the prettier my mom gets.'
Melanie - 'Beer makes my dad sleepy and we get to watch what we want On television when he is asleep, so beer is nice.
Grady - 'My Mom and Dad both like beer. My Mom gets funny when she drinks it and takes her top off at parties, but Dad doesn't think this is very funny.'
Toby - 'My Mom and Dad talk funny when they drink beer and The more they drink the more they give kisses to each other, which is a good thing.'
Sarah - 'My Dad gets funny on beer. He is funny. He also wets his pants sometimes, so he shouldn't have too much.
Lilly - 'My Dad loves beer. The more he drinks, the better he dances. One time he danced right into the pool.'
Ethan - 'I don't like beer very much. Every time Dad drinks it, he burns the sausages on the barbecue and they taste disgusting.'
Shirley - 'I give Dad's beer to the dog and he goes to sleep.'

 

[FlaCowboy]

Re: Jotd

Subject...Honesty

My Favorite Animal

Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken."

She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed.

My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal.
I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much.
I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office.
I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favoritelive animal was.
I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.

She sent me back to the principal's office. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.

I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.

Today, my teacher asked me to tell her what famous person I admired most.
I told her, "Colonel Sanders." Guess where I am now...

 

[JB]

Re: Jotd

Good stuff, guys. Please remember, though, that iboats is a family friendly forum. Nothing you wouldn't tell my grandma.

 

[generator12]

Re: Jotd

EIGHT WORDS AND PHRASES WOMEN USE

(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour . Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in "fine".
(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
(5) Loud Sigh: This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)
(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just s ay you're welcome.. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome'. that will bring on a 'whatever').
(8) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.

 

[southkogs]

Re: Jotd

Good one generator ... the Admiral and I cracked up

 

[Tim Frank]

Jotd ~ Bow hunting

Jotd ~ Bow hunting

In our area, Sunday hunting was legalized last year for archery only.
I did all my prep-work . . .
I scouted the area all summer. . .
I searched out the best location for my tree-stand . . ...
I set it all up a month ahead of time . . .
I trailed the herd . . .
I picked out a trophy buck .. ..
Two days before opening day I rechecked every aspect of the hunt . .. .
Everything was in place . . ..
Sunday morning, I woke up at 2 am . .. .
I put on my camo, loaded my pack, set out for my stand . . .
This was destined to be an epic hunt .. . ..
As I approached my deer stand .. .



. . . I changed my mind, and decided to go to church instead.

 

[foodfisher]

Re: Jotd ~ Bow hunting

Re: Jotd ~ Bow hunting

"Best laid plans of mice and men"

 

[southkogs]

Re: Jotd ~ Bow hunting

Re: Jotd ~ Bow hunting

. . . I changed my mind, and decided to go to church instead.

Oh look, the Ontario Baptist outreach minister! Looks like the program is working.

 

[Tim Frank]

Re: Jotd

Good stuff, guys. Please remember, though, that iboats is a family friendly forum. Nothing you wouldn't tell my grandma.

This one's for Grandmas everywhere....

My Grandmother a very feisty 91, and living alone in a small town in Oregon had a total hip replacement and was house bound. Our family, not being nearby, was concerned for her welfare and called Meals on Wheels.

We let the service know how Grandmother didn’t like the idea of being dependant on anyone for anything.

The next day a volunteer phoned Grandmother and cheerfully explained that Meals on Wheels is a service which relies on volunteers to help the elderly and the ill. Would she be interested in it?

There was a brief silence and a reflective pause.
"Well, sure," my grandmother said. "If you can't find anyone else to get food to the old people, I guess I can."

 

[Tim Frank]

Jotd

Jotd

A visitor to Texas once asked, "Does it ever rain out here?"

A rancher quickly answered, "Yes, it does."

"When?" asked the visitor.

"Do you remember that part in the Bible where it rained for 40 days and 40 nights?"

The visitor replied, "Yes, I'm familiar with Noah's flood."

"Well," the rancher puffed up, "we got about half an inch that time."

 

[Jeep Man]

Re: Jotd

Re: Jotd

An elderly couple, Judy and Phil, were attending church in their small town. About half way through the service Judy took a pen and piece of paper, wrote a note, and handed it to Phil.
The note said, "I just let out a silent fart, what should I do?"
Phil scribbled a reply on the back of the note and handed it back. " Put new batteries in your hearing aid."

 

[V153]

Re: Jotd

Re: Jotd

Q) How do you make a sweet lil 80 yr old lady utter the "F" word?

A) Have another sweet lil 80 yr old lady yell, "Bingo!" ...

 

[sasto]

Re: Jotd

Re: Jotd

I would like to share an experience with you about drinking and
driving.
As you well know, some of us have been lucky not to have had brushes
with the authorities on our way home from our various social
sessions over the years.

A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some
friends and had a few too many beers and then topped it off with a
margarita. Not a good idea.


Knowing full well that I was slightly over the limit, I did
something that I've never done before: I took a taxi home.

Sure enough, I passed a police road block but because it was a
taxi, they waved me past.

I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise.
I have never driven a taxi before and no idea where I got it.

 

[Tim Frank]

Re: Jotd

Steady, William

A woman in a supermarket was following a grandfather and his badly behaved three-year-old grandson.

It was obvious to her that he had his hands full with the child ? he was screaming for candy, cookies, pop and everything else he shouldn't have.

Meanwhile, granddad is working his way around the store, saying in a controlled voice, "Steady, William: we won't be long. Easy, boy."

At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart, and granddad says again in a controlled voice, "William, William, William: Relax, buddy! Don't get upset! We'll be home in five minutes; stay cool, William."

Very impressed, the woman goes outside where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car. She said to the elderly gentleman, "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time, you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his grandpa."

"Thanks," said the grandfather, "but I'm William. That little b*****d's name is Kevin."

 

[HANGEYE]

Re: Jotd

A salesman is going door to door when he arrives at the home of a little old lady. He is invited in and during his presentation the old lady asked if he would like a snack. Noticing a bowl of peanuts on the coffe table he says thanks and begins to eat the peanuts. At the end of his sales pitch, he thanks the old lady for her time and apollogizes for eating all her peanuts. The old lady says, oh thats OK, my teeth are kind of bad so I just suck the chocolate off of them.

 

[nwcove]

Re: Jotd

if a man speaks in the forest....and theres no woman around to hear him....is he still wrong???