Had a widowed buddy over w/ his 3 young kids, I'm thinkin time to get a real job?

[ezbtr]

He's 39, wife died 2 years ago, twin 4 yr olds, and one 7 yr old girl - was a fun bbq day, pool, etc. But boy did he drink bout everything alcoholic in house - goin for the buzz, he gets Social security for the kids(and him? I think?) but barely gettin by, still haas his house but seems to me he content doin odd jobs and collecting, he's talented and I know he always is a good dad, has some family and friends help w/ kids, a sometime girlfriend, but I heard the kids say they needed new clothes, and I'm sure he could do better if her got a real job, dont get me wrong, his wife was a lovely young lady(breast cancer got her 2nd time around after twins born) and he's "waiting" for this company business to "take off" which he's been workin on for years - well ok great if it does, but how bout now, what his kids need? I about took them clothes shopping.
Is ok to grieve obviously, but hey, my dad died when I was 6, and i know mom worked her butt off to get a job and support us.
Just curious bout what all think.
I also texted him saying i would take em shopping, no reply.

 

[Lyle29464]

Re: Had a widowed buddy over w/ his 3 young kids, I'm thinkin time to get a real job?

It is easy to see what "He should do" But I have no idea what path I would have taken if it happened to me.

 

[ezbtr]

Re: Had a widowed buddy over w/ his 3 young kids, I'm thinkin time to get a real job?

It is easy to see what "He should do" But I have no idea what path I would have taken if it happened to me.

I agree - is tuff, but hey kids come first to the best of a parents ability - and he's a really good bud - hard for me to
GIVE HIM ADVICE

 

[Summer Fun]

Re: Had a widowed buddy over w/ his 3 young kids, I'm thinkin time to get a real job?

I lost my wife 3 1/2yrs ago and let me tell ya.

Its not a happy place to be in life without the LOVE of your life in your life.

I'm still madly in love with her and always will be !!!.
With any luck ?? I'll be with her in the very near future.

ezbtr, My heart goes out to that family. I wish them well.


I better get off here something is starting to come out of my eyes.

SF

 

[JB]

Re: Had a widowed buddy over w/ his 3 young kids, I'm thinkin time to get a real job?

There are several million people out there who could be advised to get a real job. There are several million jobs not available.

You didn't mention what your friend's "company" is all about.

Many of my friends have invented their own jobs after trying for up to several years to get a job working for someone else. Most of them are getting by, and a few are hiring other folks to help them and making a very good living.

I highly recommend inventing your own job, particularly if you have skills that can stand alone as a marketable package. You will always get along with the boss and never be exploited.

 

[southkogs]

Re: Had a widowed buddy over w/ his 3 young kids, I'm thinkin time to get a real job?

I agree - is tuff, but hey kids come first to the best of a parents ability - and he's a really good bud - hard for me to GIVE HIM ADVICE

You're actually one of the best people to give him advice. You care about him. You might make him mad, but he'll eventually realize you mean for his best.

Two years is not quite enough time really mourn a wife. If I lost my wife, I can't imagine how I'd go through it - and I really feel for this guy. Same for you Summer Fun, I can't fathom that kind of loss. And I dread the idea of it ever happening to me. So be patient & gentle with this guy. He may need a swift kick here and there, and he may need some help too - but he also needs to know that it's okay to struggle with losing his wife.

 

[ezbtr]

Re: Had a widowed buddy over w/ his 3 young kids, I'm thinkin time to get a real job?

It is easy to see what "He should do" But I have no idea what path I would have taken if it happened to me.

me either but kids always come to mind first - not tryin to ding my buddy.....

 

[ezbtr]

Re: Had a widowed buddy over w/ his 3 young kids, I'm thinkin time to get a real job?

I lost my wife 3 1/2yrs ago and let me tell ya.

Its not a happy place to be in life without the LOVE of your life in your life.

I'm still madly in love with her and always will be !!!.
With any luck ?? I'll be with her in the very near future.

ezbtr, My heart goes out to that family. I wish them well.


I better get off here something is starting to come out of my eyes.

SF

but shouldnt we live our lives to the fullest and be happy? I sooooo know how much my bud was in love w/ his wife and still is - at least he is dating a bit - and I know grief doesnt have a set shelf life..

 

[ezbtr]

Re: Had a widowed buddy over w/ his 3 young kids, I'm thinkin time to get a real job?

You're actually one of the best people to give him advice. You care about him. You might make him mad, but he'll eventually realize you mean for his best.

Two years is not quite enough time really mourn a wife. If I lost my wife, I can't imagine how I'd go through it - and I really feel for this guy. Same for you Summer Fun, I can't fathom that kind of loss. And I dread the idea of it ever happening to me. So be patient & gentle with this guy. He may need a swift kick here and there, and he may need some help too - but he also needs to know that it's okay to struggle with losing his wife.

wonderfully said! Hey it took him a year to bring his kids over to hang w/ us... I know I may seem like a real hard ***, but I know what I think , I think is right - kids first, all else second -place

 

[Fireman431]

Re: Had a widowed buddy over w/ his 3 young kids, I'm thinkin time to get a real job?

Another thaing that you can do is offer whatever you can afford (and you did by offering to take them shopping). The trick is not to make it seem like charity. That's an ego blow to a lot of people. I have given small "loans" to true friends, knowing full well that I wasn't going to ever see the money again. But, the couple of hundred dollars (or whatever) won't change your life, but may make a significant impact of the lives of his kids. It's a fine area to walk into, so it has to be done gingerly.

 

[ezbtr]

Re: Had a widowed buddy over w/ his 3 young kids, I'm thinkin time to get a real job?

Another thaing that you can do is offer whatever you can afford (and you did by offering to take them shopping). The trick is not to make it seem like charity. That's an ego blow to a lot of people. I have given small "loans" to true friends, knowing full well that I wasn't going to ever see the money again. But, the couple of hundred dollars (or whatever) won't change your life, but may make a significant impact of the lives of his kids. It's a fine area to walk into, so it has to be done gingerly.

That was my idea too, maybe ask him if his kids want some of my sons old toys(army men, action figures, etc.)

 

[LippCJ7]

Re: Had a widowed buddy over w/ his 3 young kids, I'm thinkin time to get a real job?

I think I agree with your buddy right now, once the 4 yr olds start school then I would look for him to move on, right now I think it is better for him to draw off the government(my money and yours)and be a parent. I am one of the biggest critics against entitlements but I can tell you that I firmly think that in your buddies situation I prefer he be a good parent to those kids and I don't mind supporting him one bit. Once the kids start school full time then I bet he will get after it.

Please pass on my thoughts and prayers, hopefully he doesn't let alcohol play into his life to much but lets be honest if he jumps into a bottle once in awhile, while the children are cared for, knowing his loss I can't blame him at all

 

[NYBo]

Re: Had a widowed buddy over w/ his 3 young kids, I'm thinkin time to get a real job?

It was a car accident and not cancer, but I've been there, done that. One thing I learned is that there is no "road map" or one-size-fits-all timeline for the grieving process. It's truly different for everyone.

I think Bubba and Fireman gave some excellent advice.

Wayne, please stick around for a while. Who else can I pick on here the way I pick on you?

 

[produceguy]

Re: Had a widowed buddy over w/ his 3 young kids, I'm thinkin time to get a real job?

He knows what he needs to do.
If he's barley gettin by and gets a job, who's going to watch his kids. He would probably make just enough to pay for day care so what's the point in workin at this time.

Bubba, Fireman and Lipp, I think you nailed it.

 

[ezbtr]

Re: Had a widowed buddy over w/ his 3 young kids, I'm thinkin time to get a real job?

Oh I surely can understand him wanting to get a buzz to chill - I'd never ding him for that, was just a bit disconcerting that he would have to drive his kids back - is why they were here til 10 pm. I think he does know what to do - but again like so many of you guys said, no set timetable for grief, he still talks about "it"/her all the time, repeatedly, breaks my heart. I think I cant tell him what to do, just offer support - would love to take those kids clothes shopping though, I wouldnt even blink an eye bout spending a couple hundred bucks.

 

[j_martin]

Re: Had a widowed buddy over w/ his 3 young kids, I'm thinkin time to get a real job?

Coupla thoughts.

1. It eventually gets better.
2. It helps to remember the blessing, rather than the loss. In other words, be thankful for the time with the loved one, not bitter about the loss.
3. There isn't any trouble, grief, depression, etc. that booze won't make worse.

 

[DJ]

Re: Had a widowed buddy over w/ his 3 young kids, I'm thinkin time to get a real job?

That's a truly Sad situation.

You can be a freind/mentor. To guide. Give only perpetuates the situation, in most respects. Nobody respects a giver but many respect a guide.

Be there to guide. He will thank you for it, in the long run.

 

[veritas honus]

Re: Had a widowed buddy over w/ his 3 young kids, I'm thinkin time to get a real job?

Heinz,

Sounds like you've been exactly what your friend needs from you... A strong shoulder to lean on. You're a true friend. It seems you'll do anything in your power to help, including asking others for advice; and being very observant without being too critical. You've been getting some terrific advice here, and your own thoughts have been right on point. You said he hasn't responded to your text. Give your friend some time. A helping hand isn't always an easy thing to accept. I don't know if this would be appropriate, but maybe a nice greeting card mailed to the kids... with a gift card to Old Navy, or similar clothing store. Again, I don't know if it would be appropriate given the fact that I know so little of the relationship you have.

Please keep posting and let us know how this develops. You know we're here for you.

 

[ezbtr]

Re: Had a widowed buddy over w/ his 3 young kids, I'm thinkin time to get a real job?

Heinz,

Sounds like you've been exactly what your friend needs from you... A strong shoulder to lean on. You're a true friend. It seems you'll do anything in your power to help, including asking others for advice; and being very observant without being too critical. You've been getting some terrific advice here, and your own thoughts have been right on point. You said he hasn't responded to your text. Give your friend some time. A helping hand isn't always an easy thing to accept. I don't know if this would be appropriate, but maybe a nice greeting card mailed to the kids... with a gift card to Old Navy, or similar clothing store. Again, I don't know if it would be appropriate given the fact that I know so little of the relationship you have.

Please keep posting and let us know how this develops. You know we're here for you.

Yeah you guys have all had some great pointers, and I don't try to push him too much, ok maybe bug him to bring kids over to swim and bbq all day - but we really had a blast, he and I used to work together about 5 yrs ago, for probably the same amount of years, we used to talk alll the time, he told me when his wife got pregnant with their first baby( Trinity, now 7 and beautiful) and he was SOOOO nervous for the whole 9 months, I'd have to explain the "whole" process to him all the time, LOL, we'd get lunch, go for beers, etc. - just a great guy, and his wife an absolute doll,, what a couple. Then she got diagnosed before the twin boys(????) were conceived I think, beat it, had the boys, then "it" came back, she could'nt shake it, and at the age of 34....good grief!!
So yeah, I'll continue to "budge" him a bit, he's got my number, but I really would love to take those kids shopping - life is good for me, they need it, and it would put a huge smile on my face :>)

 

[veritas honus]

Re: Had a widowed buddy over w/ his 3 young kids, I'm thinkin time to get a real job?

I really would love to take those kids shopping - life is good for me, they need it, and it would put a huge smile on my face :>)

You're a good man, Heinz... And a good friend. Tell your friend what you just told us. ^^^