When do children stand up on their own?????????????????

[eastont]

I have 2 daughters and my wife has 2 daughters. They are in the same age group, 2 at 24 and 2 at 27/28. In the last year we've been asked for a $50,000 loan, to co-sign on a bank loan to buy a house, plus the never ending borrowing...............ARGH!!!
We just gave my wife's youngest one of our cars, with new snow tires and the insurance paid........$6,000.

Now my youngest is asking if I will pay for here dental bills. She has something going on for the last 6-8 months, but done nothing about it. Now it's so bad her face is swollen and her pillow is soaking wet in the morning.
I know how tough things are today, but when do they smarten up and listen to all the advice we throw at them....
Credit cards are so easy to get and they make it so easy to keep upping the limit as long as the minimum is paid each month.
I sent an e-mail to all of the kids from my bank that showed if just the minimum was paid each month it would take 17 years to pay off $7,000.

Sorry for the rant, but how do we get it through their heads about being responsible and staying within your needs and saving some money for what might happen in the future...

 

[tommays]

Re: When do children stand up on their own?????????????????

Just say no not that i have not said yes way to much

It does depend my son is 26 and still at home BUT just finished law school passed the bar and landed a good job as and ADA so its kind of hard to be upset with the end result

My daughter at 23 is also still home BUT is 3 months from finishing and MSW with a great GPA and again how could a parent ask for more

 

[Huron Angler]

Re: When do children stand up on their own?????????????????

They will learn when they have kids of their own. Or when you refuse to help out.

 

[Outsider]

Re: When do children stand up on their own?????????????????

but when do they smarten up and listen to all the advice we throw at them....

If you ever figure that out, let me know, We'll make million$ ... .

 

[JRJ]

Re: When do children stand up on their own?????????????????

Hard to say no to the dental work, but I would talk to the Dentist before paying anything. The rest is easy from where I sit and has been since they were about 21

 

[waterinthefuel]

Re: When do children stand up on their own?????????????????

but when do they smarten up and listen to all the advice we throw at them....

If you ever figure that out, let me know, We'll make million$ ... .

I've listened to all the advice my parents have given me, and heeded most of it, only to find myself having to move back in with them at the age of 31 because my old job decided to stop paying me.

Things are different now than in the older generation. I have as much qualifications as either of my parents, even more, and have held down the highest paying job, which only paid me when they felt like it, at what my father was making 25 years ago.

Jobs are fewer and further between, you need a higher level of education to even come close to your generations income level, and then there is still no guarantee. I spent 5000 of my own money to obtain an A&P aircraft mechanics license. I can't find a decent job, because of the drilling moratorium that was imposed 3 weeks prior to me finishing school and taking the testing necessary to obtain the license. How was I supposed to know that moratorium would hit? I couldn't possibly foresee that. What does it mean? Less drilling, less people flying offshore, less helicopter activity which ultimately means less mechanics needed. All heli companies around here have had a hiring freeze or are firing hundreds of mechanics as we speak. This is unheard of in this area, as prior to me entering school, every student that finished had at least 2 job offers from employers GOING TO OUR SCHOOL and recruiting. Not only do we not get any of those companies anymore, they aren't hiring anymore and students are leaving school and going back to menial jobs, 5000 dollars poorer because nobody is hiring. It's not our fault.

Not making excuses, just telling you the truth. I own a 14 year old truck, 5 year old scooter, and nothing else. I don't owe anyone any money but I also can't seem to find a decent job. My neighbor told me, "Your generation is the first one to not have it better than your parents." And she is right. Out of college, my dad got an awesome gov't job that he has worked at for almost 40 years now. Out of college I got a minimum wage job entering medical data into a computer. No benefits (he had full benefits) and he was making more 40 years ago than I did starting out out of college. Since I had no clue what I was doing, I ended up being laid off and got another minimum wage job pumping gas at an airport. All of this with a higher level of education than the man that owned the company. And at the time, I was thankful to be employed at all. But minimum wage doesn't allow for much leeway. Food is more expensive, cars are astronomically more expensive as is gas, etc.

Now, I don't know the OP's kids situation and they might be financially careless, but some of us who have hoarded money like a squirrel hoards nuts for 15 years doesn't have enough money to live on if he loses his job within a month or so. I was paying 550 a month rent for a tiny little house 10 miles in the boonies. Rent is astronomical now since Katrina. I used to rent a 1br apartment for 350 a month up until May of 2002. By 2005, after Katrina, that same apartment rent doubled.

Again, I'm not making excuses, just remember, not everyone in financial distress is there for anything of their real making. Sometimes, it's just not in the cards for you.

 

[Summer Fun]

Re: When do children stand up on their own?????????????????

I give my 2 poptart Daughters 34 & 32 a check once a year.

The max that I can give them without paying taxes on it.

I rather see them spend it when I'm alive .


PS, And they DON'T pee it away on stupid stuff.

 

[carbineone]

Re: When do children stand up on their own?????????????????

WOW I know this is of no help but if you are in a position to even be asked for a 50,000.00 loan I would consider myself lucky.

My kids might ask for 5.00 and still get turned down...LOL

 

[kenmyfam]

Re: When do children stand up on their own?????????????????

If they are heading to financial ruin then step in if you can. If not then let them learn about the big wide world. I have stepped in for 2 of our 5 children but only when they agreed to live on what I allowed them after we cut up the credit cards and I made arrangements with their creditors. I then had their pay put into a 2 signature account so they could only use it with me signing as well.
Both currently on track again. I only hope it stays that way !!!

 

[Go Aweigh2452]

Re: When do children stand up on their own?????????????????

You need to look at yourself... you are empowering them to depend on you for what I would consider non-essential items... Did they really have to buy a house, did they really need that loan? My son was dependent on us until he hit 19, then I told him to get a job... He pissed away 24,000 of college one year when he decided not to go to classes but work out at Golds gym next to the campus. Told him his college days were done and he could pay for it himself. We then bought our boat we were waiting another 5 years to purchase because we were funding his education. He came home and I told him he will get a job if he planned to live in our home. I also said our next photo of him will be with his hand raised. He did not understand. After 4 months of working at minimum wage at Hollywood video, he asked if I would swear him into the Navy. I did gladly and that was the next photo I had of him... with hand raised. He has spent the last 14 years in the Navy, done 15 month tour at Gitmo watching those that want 72 virgins and is currently in Bahrain. He is married, with a son and is now a responsible citizen. The bank of dad will never close fully but it is not wide open anymore. He understands the value of a buck. The only expense I have had with them since being married was to co-sign a new car loan and paid $100/month for 3 years to help them out. He called me and said he had enough money to handle the payments and so I quite at the 8 month point... That day will always stick in my mind as a big day when I knew he was grown up to be a responsible man.

I hope your daughters become less dependent on you both. I think back to asking for money from my dad and all I got was a bill for the first car I bought from him. I had to dig ditches in FL all summer to earn the money to pay for that car. I don't regret it one bit and expect my son to come to me for emergencies... not good deals...

I'm really sorry you have empowered your children to depend on you for nice stuff. They need a reality check. That's just my point of view and not trying to disrespect you. Just that even though I have the means to afford to do stuff for my son, I won't unless it is for putting food on the table and necessary shelter.

 

[tswiczko]

Re: When do children stand up on their own?????????????????

I think my kids started standing at about 7 or 8 months old

After that I just pointed them in the right direction and let them do their best. Sometimes they done well and were given credit for doing well and other times they didn't do well and were given the appropriate credit for that as well.
They liked the credit they got for doing well better than the credit they got for doing poorly.

My oldest is 24 he moved out at 17 and hasn't borrowed a penny, has twin boys 1 year old, my next is 19 and started college this past fall. and I have a 15 year old daughter(we'll blame momma for that one) I can see her trying to break the bank and a 5 year old that I am working on getting him think for himself instead of waiting to be told to do things like pick up his toys, brush his teeth, take a bath etc.

Sounds like a hard row to hoe no matter what you do there friend, but it keeps them close to home doesn't it. Maybe you could work something out with the one who needs the dental work like house keeping or laundry for a couple months so you and your wife don't have to work so hard.

I remember needing support from my family when I was starting out and always worked it off if I couldn't afford to pay it back right away, and usually wound up paying it back later and letting the labor go as gratitude for having such wonderful parents who would help me out in a time of need.

good luck

 

[outdoorsman10]

Re: When do children stand up on their own?????????????????

You need to look at yourself... you are empowering them to depend on you for what I would consider non-essential items... Did they really have to buy a house, did they really need that loan? My son was dependent on us until he hit 19, then I told him to get a job... He pissed away 24,000 of college one year when he decided not to go to classes but work out at Golds gym next to the campus. Told him his college days were done and he could pay for it himself. We then bought our boat we were waiting another 5 years to purchase because we were funding his education. He came home and I told him he will get a job if he planned to live in our home. I also said our next photo of him will be with his hand raised. He did not understand. After 4 months of working at minimum wage at Hollywood video, he asked if I would swear him into the Navy. I did gladly and that was the next photo I had of him... with hand raised. He has spent the last 14 years in the Navy, done 15 month tour at Gitmo watching those that want 72 virgins and is currently in Bahrain. He is married, with a son and is now a responsible citizen. The bank of dad will never close fully but it is not wide open anymore. He understands the value of a buck. The only expense I have had with them since being married was to co-sign a new car loan and paid $100/month for 3 years to help them out. He called me and said he had enough money to handle the payments and so I quite at the 8 month point... That day will always stick in my mind as a big day when I knew he was grown up to be a responsible man.

I hope your daughters become less dependent on you both. I think back to asking for money from my dad and all I got was a bill for the first car I bought from him. I had to dig ditches in FL all summer to earn the money to pay for that car. I don't regret it one bit and expect my son to come to me for emergencies... not good deals...

I'm really sorry you have empowered your children to depend on you for nice stuff. They need a reality check. That's just my point of view and not trying to disrespect you. Just that even though I have the means to afford to do stuff for my son, I won't unless it is for putting food on the table and necessary shelter.

I couldn't agree more. Better to learn the hard way than always expecting a hand-out. Too many kids AND adults feel the world owes them a living...It's called a welfare mentality. Only way to cure it is to cut the purse strings. When forced to provide for themselves, they soon get a better understanding of how money works, or they drown in they're own stupidity.

 

[paultjohnson]

Re: When do children stand up on their own?????????????????

My 30 yr old son and his girlfriend try my patients also. Constantly btchn' about not having any $. But out with my son the other day and stopped for gas at a Super America, He went in to pay for gas and came out with a carton of Newports, $50 +, A 4 pack of energy drinks $6+ and 2 gal of milk $6.50.... Wanted to slap him upside his left ear.

 

[LadyFish]

Re: When do children stand up on their own?????????????????

They won't stop being dependent on you until you stop helping them out. Period.

It's time they learned one of life's hard lessons, don't spend more than you can afford.

Just sayin.

 

[texasabil]

Re: When do children stand up on their own?????????????????

Well my sisters kids are all depend on them. one is 22 with 2 kids and my sister comes over and is so mad cause they help them out every day. I told her to stop well she put a end to it and they are seeing the light now!!! her husband got a state job just hope he can hold it down!!! me and the wife has one 15 yo son she couldn't have anymore kids sure wanted a little girl but everything happens for a reason. I have taught him money don't come easy. we have a small farm outside of town in the summer he helps the other farmers out. they pick him up and bring him home I told him save half of everything he makes .and I didn't know if he would but he is becoming quiet a young man I'm very proud of him!!! He has about 2500.00 in savings and I am a diabetic now and have leg problems he sure helps me out a lot sorry for the rant lol just hope he stays on this path!!!

 

[Summer Fun]

Re: When do children stand up on their own?????????????????

There seem to be alot of tough love going on here.

For us older folks that made our money was when the getting was GREAT.

I don't see my girls ever making what I did.

My bring home pay was any wheres from ..$1.200 to $2.800. a week.

I don't see the young kids making that today EVER !!.

How much money can you take with ya when you die ??

The answer is ..... 0.


I LOVE my Poptarts and I'm not going to let them have hard times.

 

[texasabil]

Re: When do children stand up on their own?????????????????

I would help my son.I just want him to know what its all about so when i do go he wont go though it like crazy!!!!! and have nothing to show for it!!! and as far as your daughter having dental problems I would help her.I had bad teeth and spent 11000.00 cause I kept putting it off and it landed me in the hospital for 21 days with a small brain abscess. and almost killed me.so if I where going to help them that's what I would do its totally up to you and as for your daughter I hope shes ok cause I know what it feels like to have mouth pain and summer fun your right cant take it with you!!!!!

 

[aspeck]

Re: When do children stand up on their own?????????????????

When no one enables them any more ...

 

[DaNinja]

Re: When do children stand up on their own?????????????????

The entitlement mentality aboslutey drives me nuts. To wean them off, you may try a matching system instead of just coughing up the cash.

 

[thurps]

Re: When do children stand up on their own?????????????????

As soon as you let them.